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Posts Tagged ‘trust’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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While looking through my old drawings, I came across something that made me remember an experience that happened a long time ago.

My cousin and I were really close, we’re practically inseparable. But one day when I was 12, she stopped talking to me, and I had no idea why. It hurt me, because it felt like I lost a best friend. In my sadness, I sat in my mother’s desktop, opened Microsoft word, and started typing everything that I felt about the whole issue. I remembered crying really hard while typing it. I printed the document, left it on the work table, and I walked away.

A few days later in school, my cousin approached me and gave me a brown envelope creatively decorated and addressed to me. Though her action confused me, I was happy, because it was the first time she’d spoken to me in the last few weeks. When I went home, I opened the letter and inside was a couple of index cards with short anecdotes and a long letter. I skipped the index cards and went straight to the paper.

In a nutshell, she expressed how upset she was over me, because I had the tendency to say insulting things to her without realizing it, and I unintentionally hurt her. But she learned to remain patient with me, and apologized. I started crying after reading this letter, because I was relieved that she still wanted to remain friends with me. Of course, I wondered why she decided to make this letter all of a sudden The next time we met, she began talking to me again, and it turned out that my mother came across my document on the table, called my cousin and read the letter to her.

My cousin and I are still really close friends until this day, but reading her letter made me realize that I needed to be careful of what I was saying.

This wasn’t the only instance, when I hadn’t realized what I was saying. A lot of my friends had pointed out my tendency to sound insensitive, because of the things I say. It’s probably because of this, hardly any of my friends approach me for life advice. I believe that I’m a very straightforward person, and it really hurt and confused me to know that my friends thought of me as insensitive.

This experience really affected the way I interact with people nowadays. I’ll be honest, after knowing that, My self-confidence dropped close to zero. I became much quieter, and I wouldn’t talk unless someone genuinely wanted my opinion on something. But some good came out of it as well. Now that I’m aware of my tendency to sound insensitive, I make it a point to be more careful with the things I say to others.

Finding that letter that came from my cousin, got me reflecting on how the smallest experiences can change the way we behave in the future, and I do believe that this experience really changed me as a person. I can’t say that it changed me for the worst, I also believe that it has also taught me to become a better person.

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I remembered there were a number of times where he attempted to make me jealous.

Back when we were still together, he told me about how much closer he had become with some girl. He told me how he met this cute girl in one of his classes, and how much he wanted to get to know her. I just nodded and answered with a short two-word sentence, “I see.”

Noticing my lack of a reaction, he asked me,

“Jealous?”

And I just gave him a straight face and replied, “No, why would I be?”

He’d ask me the exact same thing every time he’d talk about this girl. There was one time he told me how she was more of his type than I was. He asked me again if I was jealous, and I gave him the same answer.

“Why would I be?”

And after that, he’d just laugh and say, “It’s okay, I still like you anyway.”

But seriously, why would I be jealous?

At that time, I felt like I didn’t have the right to be jealous, because we were never in an official relationship. Although we did like each other, I felt like I didn’t have the right to call him “mine”.

But that was only one reason why I was never jealous whenever he talked about this girl (or the other girls he had met for that matter).

Despite not being in an official relationship, he still promised me that he would remain “loyal”, and stay with me no matter what. There were so many times where he had told me that he would “never leave me”, and he would “have patience” and “wait for me”. He made so many promises

And I believed him.

But what’s ironic was that the girl he always told me about was the girl he left me for months later.

I’m pretty sure one of the reasons why he ended things with me was because he couldn’t make me jealous, no matter how much he tried. I guess that reflected my lack of emotion, expression and sensitivity, and I blame no one else but myself.

However, I hope he does realize that the second reason why I was never jealous was because…

I trusted him.

Because honestly, why would I be jealous when he promised that he would never leave my side?

Why would I be?

 

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I have a difficult time interacting with people.

As an introvert, I try to be friendly. I really do try. But when something like this happens…

When I see someone I know in distress, and obviously wants to talk…

Me: Are you okay?
Friend: No.
Me: Do you wanna talk about it.
Friend: No. I just want to be alone.
Me: Are you sure?
Friend: Just leave me alone!
Me: *In my head* Well f*ck you then, I’m just trying to be of help.

I’m really trying my best to be a friend. As I said in my previous post,  I am trying to be more of a listener than the talker. I try to be more sensitive to others, and I try to be of help to them, But if people don’t seem to appreciate the help I give, and just shoo me off like I’m some pesky fly…

… Then I am so through with human interaction… so through.

Forgive me. I needed to be the talker this time.

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In my opinion, being trusted by someone is one of the best feelings in the world.

Now, I consider myself one of the most insensitive and indifferent living beings in the entire universe (okay, I might be just exaggerating, but I do consider myself pretty insensitive). I have a tendency to subconsciously ignore what people have to say, and I get a little too objective about life, that it just irritates the hell out of people.

Sometimes, I just don’t care.

And this leads me to another fact about myself: I am not the best person to ask for comforting advice.

To all those people who wish to seek reassuring and calming solutions to your problems – be it about school, your love life, or even about shopping – do not, I repeat, DO NOT approach me. Do not approach me, because all you’re gonna hear from me is the truth.

And we all know that sometimes (actually, most of the time), the truth hurts.

Unless I know solutions or wise words of wisdom that could solve other people’s problems, I try to give them the best and most realistic advice I can give. It honestly makes no sense to tell someone, “Everything will be alright” when you know it won’t be; It’ll just be giving the person false hope.

Although it may look like giving realistic advice is a good approach, it doesn’t seem to make the person feel any better, especially if you’re dealing with extremely emotional and sensitive people. Sometimes all they want is to find a solution to their problems, and if you can’t seem to supply one, then you’re going to end up coming off as insensitive and unfeeling to them. As a result, they will never trust you with their problems ever again.

I’ve experienced several incidences like that. There were times when my friend told me about things that bothered her, and (being the good friend I was) I tried to give a good, yet realistic solution to her problem. An hour later, she’d stop talking to me and ignore me for the rest of the day. A few more similar incidents like that happened, and eventually, she ended up approaching another friend to talk to, and stopped telling me her problems. Later on, I heard from someone that I was came off to her as insensitive to her feelings.

Hearing that just shocked and infuriated me on the inside.

Just to be clear…

One, it is NEVER my intention to be insensitive to other people’s feelings (especially if he’she a very close friend) when they are bothered by something, and

Two, you asked for advice, and I gave it to you. Did you expect me to shower golden sprinkles or cast a magic spell to make everything go your way and make it all better?!

If there’s one thing I can’t guarantee, and that is advice that will solve all the problems. To begin with, advice is not always good. Sure, there is advice that will solve problems in a snap, but we also have to understand that advice can also be quite negative and realistic. And sometimes the advice you are given is not the way you want to go. It’s not supposed to give you solutions to your problems, but rather it’s supposed to help guide you through the decisions and solutions you make.

Nowadays, I’m more aware of the insensitive things I say, and I make an effort to contain my truthfulness and come off as sensitive to other’s feelings as possible. Although it is hard for me to give helpful advice, when I can’t be as honest as I want to be. Sometimes holding back my opinions and keeping silent just ends up making me look socially awkward and helpless…

As I said before, I am an insensitive human being; I can’t help but be objective and honest, because that is just who I am. Sometimes it hurts me when people say that I can be insensitive about others feelings when it is not my intention to be. As a result, people often don’t trust me with their problems, and go off to seek comfort someplace else.

Over the years though, I have noticed more and more of my friends approaching me and asking me for help or comfort. I still try to make an effort to be a little more sensitive and caring, but I also inject objecting truths about life.

I do warn them beforehand or afterwards though that I can be very insensitive, and that I will try to give them the best advice I can. In the end, they’d just brush off my warning and say, “What are you talking about?! I don’t think you’re insensitive.”

Being trusted with problems and stories, trying to give advice in return, and having your advice (whether positive or negative) appreciated by people are probably one of the best feelings in the world

Well in my opinion it is one of the best feelings I have ever felt, because it makes me think that I may not be so insensitive and indifferent after all.

I still do think I am a very insensitive and unfeeling person, but on the inside I do want to help people in anyway I can, be it from carrying books to giving advice. To help and to be trusted by others just makes me feel like my life has meaning, and it fills me with great joy!

ImagePicture (c) Google Images

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