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Posts Tagged ‘self’

While looking through my old drawings, I came across something that made me remember an experience that happened a long time ago.

My cousin and I were really close, we’re practically inseparable. But one day when I was 12, she stopped talking to me, and I had no idea why. It hurt me, because it felt like I lost a best friend. In my sadness, I sat in my mother’s desktop, opened Microsoft word, and started typing everything that I felt about the whole issue. I remembered crying really hard while typing it. I printed the document, left it on the work table, and I walked away.

A few days later in school, my cousin approached me and gave me a brown envelope creatively decorated and addressed to me. Though her action confused me, I was happy, because it was the first time she’d spoken to me in the last few weeks. When I went home, I opened the letter and inside was a couple of index cards with short anecdotes and a long letter. I skipped the index cards and went straight to the paper.

In a nutshell, she expressed how upset she was over me, because I had the tendency to say insulting things to her without realizing it, and I unintentionally hurt her. But she learned to remain patient with me, and apologized. I started crying after reading this letter, because I was relieved that she still wanted to remain friends with me. Of course, I wondered why she decided to make this letter all of a sudden The next time we met, she began talking to me again, and it turned out that my mother came across my document on the table, called my cousin and read the letter to her.

My cousin and I are still really close friends until this day, but reading her letter made me realize that I needed to be careful of what I was saying.

This wasn’t the only instance, when I hadn’t realized what I was saying. A lot of my friends had pointed out my tendency to sound insensitive, because of the things I say. It’s probably because of this, hardly any of my friends approach me for life advice. I believe that I’m a very straightforward person, and it really hurt and confused me to know that my friends thought of me as insensitive.

This experience really affected the way I interact with people nowadays. I’ll be honest, after knowing that, My self-confidence dropped close to zero. I became much quieter, and I wouldn’t talk unless someone genuinely wanted my opinion on something. But some good came out of it as well. Now that I’m aware of my tendency to sound insensitive, I make it a point to be more careful with the things I say to others.

Finding that letter that came from my cousin, got me reflecting on how the smallest experiences can change the way we behave in the future, and I do believe that this experience really changed me as a person. I can’t say that it changed me for the worst, I also believe that it has also taught me to become a better person.

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So it’s Valentine’s Day on my end of the world, and honestly… I just want this day to be over with.

I didn’t want to go to school today… because the last thing I wanted to be right now was alone… surrounded by roses and couples… holding hands… probably smooching…

And I guess it’s only normal that I react so bitterly this year… I just had my heart broken four months ago by a guy who studies in the same school. What’s worse is that Valentine’s Day is also his birthday, and the things I was hoping I’d do for him… well, I won’t be able to do for him anymore, because the sight of him angers and hurts me. The pain is still pretty fresh, and seeing him around campus with the girl he left me for is just going to make things even worse on my part. And I don’t want to feel as bad as I already do.

Cutting all my classes was a very, very tempting decision, but everyone told me to stop thinking that way; moreover, I had things to do in school. So I guess I had no choice but to go.

In my opinion, the stay in school was… quite terrible, but bearable. I left school at the end of the day, tired, exhausted, and just depressed.

Honestly, the best part of the day was going home, because at least I am the most comfortable alone when I’m at home.

I thought that as soon as I got home, I would just go straight to my room, lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling for the next 30 minutes, and sob myself to sleep… but no.

When I arrived, I saw that the kitchen table was full of bouquets of flowers, and my mom came to me and said, “look for yours.” I was honestly really shocked, because I initially thought all those bouquets were for my mom from my dad. I approached the counter top, and immediately saw my bouquet neatly and beautifully wrapped in blue and orange. Stuck to it was a card in the shape of a heart that said,

To: Olivia
HAPPY VALENTINES!
Fr: PAPA+MAMA

I just stood in front of it in silence, but I could feel the overwhelming emotion rising up my chest and the tears forcing itself to stream out of my eyes. I was smiling on the inside, because this was the largest bouquet anyone has ever given me in my entire life! And I know it was given by the two people who mean the most to me.

Everyone says that Valentine’s day is not only a day to express your love for your significant others, it is also a day to express your love to your family and friends.

I constantly remind myself, that although I have been unlucky in terms of finding romantic love, I am very, very blessed to be truly loved and cared for by my family and best friends. And that’s all that really matters to me right now.

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There’s this sudden rage, anger and jealousy that’s starting to bubble inside of me…

And now, I suddenly have the urge to smack someone with the hardest substance on earth in the face…

Should I be worried? Because I am afraid of all the things I’m thinking about in my head.

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I don’t blame the world for being too realistic. I blame myself for being so stubborn.

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