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I still remember it all so clearly.

September 21, 2013. Saturday.

I went to school for a movie event with him.

After the event we decided to walk around the campus, while waiting for my fetcher.

It was dark and quiet; there were barely any people around. We kept walking around school until we found a bench to sit on.

We were never in an official relationship, but we were definitely more than friends. Our “relationship” was a secret. No one knew about it, and if anyone (especially my parents) found out, I would get in huge trouble (for reasons I do not wish to explain).

We sat for a while in silence; we didn’t talk much. Then I decided that we should just listen to each others songs, like we always do. I went first. I played “If My Heart Was a House” by Owl City, because I thought it was a sweet song. But he didn’t, he thought it was sad. Then he played “She” by Ed Sheeran, because he said it reminded him of me, and I smiled.

I moved closer to him, we were already brushing shoulders. There was something about him that made me feel so happy and safe.

Then he told me, “You know, I had a thought during Theo class. That one day, we can hold hands while walking down the Red Brick Road (a place in our school campus).”

Of course, it was impossible, because we couldn’t be seen together as a couple, and he knew that.

But then he added, “But for now..”, then he took my hand and held it, “we can do this.”

And I literally felt myself melt. I leaned on his shoulder, my heart was ready to burst out of my chest and I couldn’t stop smiling from cheek to cheek. It felt like a dream, because I have never felt so much happier, and I never wanted the moment to end. And for a while, we just sat there on that bench, holding hands. But then I had to let go, because more people started passing by the hall. So we stood up and walked around school to look for another place to sit.

As we were walking, it started to rain really hard. He didn’t have an umbrella, but I did. So we shared it, although it was pretty small for the both of us. We ran to the nearest building, and sat down on the benches outside of it. We couldn’t go anywhere else, because the rain started pouring down even harder.

Then I asked him to hold my hand again, and he did. I rested my head on his shoulder again, and he rested his head on my head. It was honestly an uncomfortable position, but I didn’t care, because I didn’t want to let go of his hand. And for the rest of the time, we just sat on that bench, holding hands, and talking about our worries and what the future holds for us.

The rain stopped after a while, and I had to go home. He walked me to where I was going to be picked up. We stopped somewhere where my fetcher couldn’t see us, and we said our goodbyes. I thought he was going to walk away as soon as I said goodbye, but he didn’t. And neither did I. For a moment we were just standing, and looking at each other. Then he walked to me and gave me one long hug. Then he said to me,

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here, okay?”

And with that, I smiled and left.

I will never ever forget that moment. The first time a guy, I liked and cared for, held my hand and said words of happiness and reassurance. It was one of the most (awkward but) happiest moments of my life.

Until today those words still stuck to me.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here, okay?

But now, to me, those words are just nothing more than lies.

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