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Posts Tagged ‘pain’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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I still remember it all so clearly.

September 21, 2013. Saturday.

I went to school for a movie event with him.

After the event we decided to walk around the campus, while waiting for my fetcher.

It was dark and quiet; there were barely any people around. We kept walking around school until we found a bench to sit on.

We were never in an official relationship, but we were definitely more than friends. Our “relationship” was a secret. No one knew about it, and if anyone (especially my parents) found out, I would get in huge trouble (for reasons I do not wish to explain).

We sat for a while in silence; we didn’t talk much. Then I decided that we should just listen to each others songs, like we always do. I went first. I played “If My Heart Was a House” by Owl City, because I thought it was a sweet song. But he didn’t, he thought it was sad. Then he played “She” by Ed Sheeran, because he said it reminded him of me, and I smiled.

I moved closer to him, we were already brushing shoulders. There was something about him that made me feel so happy and safe.

Then he told me, “You know, I had a thought during Theo class. That one day, we can hold hands while walking down the Red Brick Road (a place in our school campus).”

Of course, it was impossible, because we couldn’t be seen together as a couple, and he knew that.

But then he added, “But for now..”, then he took my hand and held it, “we can do this.”

And I literally felt myself melt. I leaned on his shoulder, my heart was ready to burst out of my chest and I couldn’t stop smiling from cheek to cheek. It felt like a dream, because I have never felt so much happier, and I never wanted the moment to end. And for a while, we just sat there on that bench, holding hands. But then I had to let go, because more people started passing by the hall. So we stood up and walked around school to look for another place to sit.

As we were walking, it started to rain really hard. He didn’t have an umbrella, but I did. So we shared it, although it was pretty small for the both of us. We ran to the nearest building, and sat down on the benches outside of it. We couldn’t go anywhere else, because the rain started pouring down even harder.

Then I asked him to hold my hand again, and he did. I rested my head on his shoulder again, and he rested his head on my head. It was honestly an uncomfortable position, but I didn’t care, because I didn’t want to let go of his hand. And for the rest of the time, we just sat on that bench, holding hands, and talking about our worries and what the future holds for us.

The rain stopped after a while, and I had to go home. He walked me to where I was going to be picked up. We stopped somewhere where my fetcher couldn’t see us, and we said our goodbyes. I thought he was going to walk away as soon as I said goodbye, but he didn’t. And neither did I. For a moment we were just standing, and looking at each other. Then he walked to me and gave me one long hug. Then he said to me,

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here, okay?”

And with that, I smiled and left.

I will never ever forget that moment. The first time a guy, I liked and cared for, held my hand and said words of happiness and reassurance. It was one of the most (awkward but) happiest moments of my life.

Until today those words still stuck to me.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here, okay?

But now, to me, those words are just nothing more than lies.

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Why can’t he just leave me alone?

5 weeks ago, I found a way to make him back off. When I realized it was too hard to be casual with him again, I told him to back off, and (after he wrote a long chat message attempting to explain himself), I haven’t heard from him since.

Feels great not seeing his face or hearing his voice. It’s as if we’ve never met. For the past few weeks I’ve been living my life normally – going to summer school, studying, doing extra-curricular work, eating and sleeping. Surprisingly, I’m feeling good about my life. I feel much better when he’s not around. No anxiety attacks, no pain, and no hesitation. When I’m away from him, I feel like my mind can think clearly.

Of course I still have moments of depression whenever I listen to a familiar song or remember a bittersweet memory. There was one time I remembered seeing him in school over the summer term, and I just felt a rush of anger. But life isn’t worth dwelling over the past.

What matters is, I don’t see or talk to him. And as long as he doesn’t bother me then I’m happy.

But then 2 days ago, I went on my tumblr, and I noticed that I received an anonymous message that said:

yo i see your posts on facebook and i really think you shouldn’t give up on love. Just because one guy hurt you doesn’t mean others will too. Who knows, maybe he thinks about you sometimes. Maybe something will happen between you two again, maybe nothing will. But if you give up on it entirely nothing’s going to happen at all, with anybody. You gotta stay strong. You’ll find the right one. A beautiful girl like you won’t have any trouble at all, it just takes a little time.

Of course I thought it was a thoughtful thing to say, so I just thanked the person. But I was suspicious, because:

  1. The sender is my Facebook friend.
  2. The sender knows my Tumblr
  3. Only less than 10 of my Facebook friends know I have a Tumblr account.
  4. No one sends me anonymous messages on Tumblr.

And for a moment, I really did assume that he sent me the Tumblr anon. But I didn’t really bother about it until a friend of mine told me it was him.

Of course when I found out I was furious, because I clearly told (and want) him to back off.

And this wasn’t just the first time. Ever since he ended things, he’d try to check up on me. He took almost every opportunity he could to ask how I was, and how much he wanted to talk to me again. And it’s messages like these that give me nothing but confusion and mixed signals. And it angers me. I don’t know why, but it angers me.

Until now I still wonder why he still wants to keep me as a friend. I asked that the last time we met, and he wouldn’t give me any answer aside from, “I don’t know, I just do.”

I’m brought back to that time, on the day he ended things. When his last word to me was, “Maybe.” Maybe I’ll be his girlfriend in the future, maybe we’ll end up together again. Maybe… but we’ll never know.

That word is such a hopeful word, but I learned not to rely on that anymore. I’ve given up on “maybes” and “what ifs”, because after the shit he’s put me through, I am very sure there will be no more “maybes”.

My friends hate him, my mother hates him even more. If it was already 95% impossible for us to be together when we were still together, he has made it 150% impossible for us to ever get back together.

From what I understood from everything he has said to me, it’s like I’m being treated like a back-up plan. Like he’s saving me for the future. Like if all else fails, he’ll run back to me, because he knows I will always be there.

But if he did have a plan to come back to me in the future, then he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He should have been patient, just like he promised me he would. It wouldn’t be right if he left, just to come back to me at a better time.

Well the damage is done, the past is in the past. And right now, I think it’s best that he just stays away, and treats me as if we’ve never met.

I will never, ever want him back… And it still pains me to accept that.

 

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I remembered there were a number of times where he attempted to make me jealous.

Back when we were still together, he told me about how much closer he had become with some girl. He told me how he met this cute girl in one of his classes, and how much he wanted to get to know her. I just nodded and answered with a short two-word sentence, “I see.”

Noticing my lack of a reaction, he asked me,

“Jealous?”

And I just gave him a straight face and replied, “No, why would I be?”

He’d ask me the exact same thing every time he’d talk about this girl. There was one time he told me how she was more of his type than I was. He asked me again if I was jealous, and I gave him the same answer.

“Why would I be?”

And after that, he’d just laugh and say, “It’s okay, I still like you anyway.”

But seriously, why would I be jealous?

At that time, I felt like I didn’t have the right to be jealous, because we were never in an official relationship. Although we did like each other, I felt like I didn’t have the right to call him “mine”.

But that was only one reason why I was never jealous whenever he talked about this girl (or the other girls he had met for that matter).

Despite not being in an official relationship, he still promised me that he would remain “loyal”, and stay with me no matter what. There were so many times where he had told me that he would “never leave me”, and he would “have patience” and “wait for me”. He made so many promises

And I believed him.

But what’s ironic was that the girl he always told me about was the girl he left me for months later.

I’m pretty sure one of the reasons why he ended things with me was because he couldn’t make me jealous, no matter how much he tried. I guess that reflected my lack of emotion, expression and sensitivity, and I blame no one else but myself.

However, I hope he does realize that the second reason why I was never jealous was because…

I trusted him.

Because honestly, why would I be jealous when he promised that he would never leave my side?

Why would I be?

 

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I miss him.

Call me stupid. Call me an idiot. Call me whatever you want…

But after the emotional buildups and the dozens of breakdowns, I’ve realized that it’s better to accept what I’m really feeling, rather than denying them and forcing myself to feel otherwise.

Yes, I miss him.

It’s been 4 months since he decided to end things between us, and emotionally invest himself on another girl. To most people I know, four months would be enough time to move on; however, I’m still in the process of healing.

It’s not easy, I’ll admit. There are days when I’m feeling good, and things will go my way. But there are other moments when I’m in the mood for deep reflection, and eventually I begin to swirl into a pool of depression. Not to mention that I see him almost everyday (most of the time with his new girl) in school; I don’t have a choice since we have class in the same building (on the same floor, at the same time). This makes the process of moving on much harder for me, and with the summer break coming, I’m hoping I will improve after three full months of avoiding his presence.

The last fews months haven’t been complete torture though. I find comfort in the company of my very close friends and family. Right now, they make me the happiest, because they show that they care and worry for my well-being. I can’t thank them enough for everything they’ve done for me over the last few months, and sometimes I think to myself, “Why can’t I just be grateful for the people around me, and move on?!”

I love my friends and family, don’t get me wrong. But there are just those moments when you need the company of only certain people, or else you’ll feel lonely. Despite, having so many people who care for me all around me, I still feel that sense of loneliness. And right now, I don’t want the company of acquaintances, or the company of my parents…

I want his company. I want to be with him. I need him.

And just hearing myself say that makes me want to slap myself, because I’m not supposed to want him, I’m supposed to be moving on from him.

But it’s true. Until now, I still look for him when I’m alone in school. Whenever I feel lonely, and I don’t know what to do, the first person that would pop into my mind when I need company is him, because I knew he would always come when I needed him. Takes me five seconds to then realize and tell myself, “Oh no wait, he’s busy cuddling with his new girl.”, and that makes me feel even lonelier than I already do.

Recently I’ve started listening to Ed Sheeran’s songs, because he would always play them when we were together. At times they do depress me, but other times they give me a sense of nostalgia and slight happiness.

There are so many things I want to tell him, but I know I just can’t. A few days ago I said the same thing to a friend of mine, and he replied, “Why don’t you just talk to him then?”

True, I can always start talking to him whenever I want to. I can just send a text, and the next thing you know, we’re back to being good buddies again.

But that’s not the case. As much as I do want to talk to him, it still hurts me when I see his face. And this is just seeing his face… what more if I start talking to him? There have been numerous occasions where I’d break down right after he sends me chat messages, and it just shows how unstable I still am at this point.

Whether I ignore him or talk to him, I feel pain either way.

I miss him, and I’m not going to deny it anymore. I feel much lighter after admitting it to myself, but at the same time, I can still feel small pangs of pain hitting my chest.

At this point, all I can say is… I need him. I want to talk to him, but I can’t. Things will never be the same again, and yet I don’t know if I even want him back.

There are a number of things I am pretty sure of though: I know he doesn’t feel the same way.

He doesn’t miss me, I’m not the girl he looks for in school, and he will never, ever want me back. He will never find it in his heart to truly listen to what I feel, and comfort me afterwards. I will never get to hold his hand or give him warm hugs. I just have to accept that things have changed, and I seriously need to move on.

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I’ve liked a few guys over the last couple of years, but no guy has ever affected me so much as the last one had.

I never thought it would happen. I didn’t expect it to happen. But I was happy it did happen.

Without digging deep into the details, I liked a guy. He liked me first, and it took me months before I said I liked him too.

We started off as strangers in the same class, then we became groupmates. Eventually, we started sending long text messages to each other, and I guess you could call it our thing. Months passed, we got closer and closer to each other, and I started calling him one of my good college friends. More months passed, and the next thing we knew, it was already summer. We spent almost everyday with each other, and he turned into one of my closest college friends.

He was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, he was different. He was a gentleman, and he cared for me even when I never asked for it. He’d open my doors, grabbed the bill from me during our weekly lunches, and stayed with me when I was alone. He was also funny and interesting to talk to. We had our similarities and differences, but whenever I was talking to him, I never got bored…

For some reason, I never got bored.

As I said, he said he liked me first. Initially, I didn’t know what to say. Took me weeks before I could give him a reply, because I wasn’t sure if things were going to work out. I was 95% sure things wouldn’t work out (and for reasons I do not wish to disclose). Despite that, I thought, “But he is such a nice guy, and he makes me happy.”, and I decided to take the risk, because I thought he was going to be worth the risk. I said I liked him too, and that was the truth.

Despite my doubts, it was the truth.

He made my life much happier for the next few months. We never became classmates again, but we’d meet during our similar breaks. He’d say cheesy things to me (and I hated cheesy, but despite that I couldn’t help but smile), and we’d go somewhere less crowded, and listen to music that he said “reminded him of me”. We’d have lunch every Friday, and afterwards, look for a place to stay and talk to kill time.

I clearly remembered that one time when it was raining hard, and I was at a building quite far from the main campus. He texted me, and said he’d fetch me, because he didn’t want me to get wet. I told him I had an umbrella, but he insisted anyway. And while I was reading our conversation, I couldn’t help but feel warm inside and smile.

We were never in a relationship, but I thought we were getting there.

I knew I was in danger, because like I said, I was warned that this wasn’t going to work out. But I didn’t care, because I thought he was worth it. And he made me happy. What could be wrong about that?

But then the long break came, and we grew more and more distant. And a few days ago, we met up again, we talked, and he said he wanted to end things for now (because of reasons I don’t want to explain).

We decided to end it… he decided to end it. And that was that.

Of course I was sad, I didn’t want it all to end yet. It was my first ever heartbreak. I cried non-stop for two days. I had needed my friends, so I went to look for them. And I told them everything. Four of them said they wanted to kill him (one specifically said she wanted to castrate him, and the other one wanted to maul him. And sometimes I can’t help but laugh and love my friends even more when they say this.).

I not mad, because really… I was expecting this to happen sooner or later.

It hurt, it really, really hurt, but I knew dwelling over the pain wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t change his mind. So I forced myself to carry on.

Currently, I’m trying to get my life back on track. I’ve tried to keep myself occupied with other things. I stopped socializing with people for awhile, and became more immersed in schoolwork, drawing and watching TV shows. For a while I was very occupied with a design job for one of my school organizations. I think I even subconsciously signed up for volunteer work… My friends also tried to distract me by inviting me to lunch, or telling me jokes and funny stories (I really appreciate them doing that, and I love them very very much <3).

It’s been almost a week since then, and I’m feeling much better. But the pain still remains.

I haven’t talked to him since he last checked up on me. We agreed not to talk to each other for a while, but every time I see him, every time we pass by each other in school, my anxiety acts up and my chest starts to hurt. I wanted to break down, I really did.

At this point it’s not the heartbreak that hurts anymore, but it’s the fact that we’ve suddenly become so distant from each other. We no longer wave, we no longer say “hi”. It’s as if we never met; as if we’re total strangers. And it hurts, because I feel like I’ve just lost friend.

I want to stay friends with him, I really do. I want to talk to him already. I want to start a conversation. Send a text message and apologize for what a snob I’ve probably come off to him.

I always tell myself…
Right now, there are two sides of me:
1. The realistic side that’s telling me, “Look away, and move on.”
2. The idealistic, and hopeful Disney side that says, “Just one more look before I go.”
… And they are constantly in war.

Right now, I can’t trust myself to talk to him. It’s hard for me to determine right now whether I want to talk to him, because I miss him, or because I want to end this silent awkwardness between us and just get to the “let’s be friends” part.

Half of me still wishes things went back what they were, and the other half just wants to be his close friend. And I don’t know which of the two will be in control when I start talking to him again.

So right now, I’ll just have to bear with it (as much as it will pain and frustrate me).

I still remember his last words before we split….

Maybe.

Maybe, he explained, things will work out in the future. Maybe we will end up together. Maybe, but not now.

Maybe… but I’m not gonna get my hopes up on that single word anymore.

I still don’t know what to feel about all that’s happened, but I definitely know that I no longer like him the way I used to.

Right now, all I care about is rebuilding the friendship we used to have. If I have to start with simple introductions all over again, I would.

This guy, he’s different from all the rest for some reason. He’s not the perfect guy, but I thought he was close to perfect. He is a nice guy, and he cared for me… He says he still cares for me. He made me happy, and I will never stop saying how happy he had made me. And even though it’s still painful, I will never regret ever meeting him. He’s changed me (and I hope I’ve changed him in some way too).

I’ve lost too many good friends because of almost-similar situations like these, and I don’t want this to end up like the rest.

I hate losing friendships… not like this.

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