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Posts Tagged ‘need’

I miss him.

Call me stupid. Call me an idiot. Call me whatever you want…

But after the emotional buildups and the dozens of breakdowns, I’ve realized that it’s better to accept what I’m really feeling, rather than denying them and forcing myself to feel otherwise.

Yes, I miss him.

It’s been 4 months since he decided to end things between us, and emotionally invest himself on another girl. To most people I know, four months would be enough time to move on; however, I’m still in the process of healing.

It’s not easy, I’ll admit. There are days when I’m feeling good, and things will go my way. But there are other moments when I’m in the mood for deep reflection, and eventually I begin to swirl into a pool of depression. Not to mention that I see him almost everyday (most of the time with his new girl) in school; I don’t have a choice since we have class in the same building (on the same floor, at the same time). This makes the process of moving on much harder for me, and with the summer break coming, I’m hoping I will improve after three full months of avoiding his presence.

The last fews months haven’t been complete torture though. I find comfort in the company of my very close friends and family. Right now, they make me the happiest, because they show that they care and worry for my well-being. I can’t thank them enough for everything they’ve done for me over the last few months, and sometimes I think to myself, “Why can’t I just be grateful for the people around me, and move on?!”

I love my friends and family, don’t get me wrong. But there are just those moments when you need the company of only certain people, or else you’ll feel lonely. Despite, having so many people who care for me all around me, I still feel that sense of loneliness. And right now, I don’t want the company of acquaintances, or the company of my parents…

I want his company. I want to be with him. I need him.

And just hearing myself say that makes me want to slap myself, because I’m not supposed to want him, I’m supposed to be moving on from him.

But it’s true. Until now, I still look for him when I’m alone in school. Whenever I feel lonely, and I don’t know what to do, the first person that would pop into my mind when I need company is him, because I knew he would always come when I needed him. Takes me five seconds to then realize and tell myself, “Oh no wait, he’s busy cuddling with his new girl.”, and that makes me feel even lonelier than I already do.

Recently I’ve started listening to Ed Sheeran’s songs, because he would always play them when we were together. At times they do depress me, but other times they give me a sense of nostalgia and slight happiness.

There are so many things I want to tell him, but I know I just can’t. A few days ago I said the same thing to a friend of mine, and he replied, “Why don’t you just talk to him then?”

True, I can always start talking to him whenever I want to. I can just send a text, and the next thing you know, we’re back to being good buddies again.

But that’s not the case. As much as I do want to talk to him, it still hurts me when I see his face. And this is just seeing his face… what more if I start talking to him? There have been numerous occasions where I’d break down right after he sends me chat messages, and it just shows how unstable I still am at this point.

Whether I ignore him or talk to him, I feel pain either way.

I miss him, and I’m not going to deny it anymore. I feel much lighter after admitting it to myself, but at the same time, I can still feel small pangs of pain hitting my chest.

At this point, all I can say is… I need him. I want to talk to him, but I can’t. Things will never be the same again, and yet I don’t know if I even want him back.

There are a number of things I am pretty sure of though: I know he doesn’t feel the same way.

He doesn’t miss me, I’m not the girl he looks for in school, and he will never, ever want me back. He will never find it in his heart to truly listen to what I feel, and comfort me afterwards. I will never get to hold his hand or give him warm hugs. I just have to accept that things have changed, and I seriously need to move on.

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  1. I miss you, so damn much.
  2. I miss holding your hand.
  3. I miss your hugs.
  4. I never wanted you to let go.
  5. I want to talk to you again, but it hurts just to see your face.
  6. Yes, I was jealous (happy?).
  7. I cared for you even when I called you a jerk that time.
  8. You f*cking asshole.
  9. I know I don’t show enough emotion, but I liked you very, very much.
  10. I hope you realized what you’ve done.
  11. Subconsciously, you were the reason I look forward to going to school everyday.
  12. It hurts… so much.
  13. I still look for you whenever I’m alone in school.
  14. I feel so much lonelier without you.
  15. You made me so, so happy.
  16. I hope you believe in karma.
  17. I thought you were fine just the way you are, and I didn’t ask for anything more.
  18. I miss leaning on your shoulder.
  19. I never realized how important you were to me until you left.
  20. I don’t care how f*cked up you say your mind is, I still liked you, okay?!
  21. I wanted you to be one of my best friends.
  22. I wish you still cared.
  23. Yes, I am aware you still exist, so please pass anywhere except in front of me.
  24. I hope you realized I wanted you to talk to me, even in your lowest of times.
  25. I don’t care if you’re afraid to hurt me, that won’t stop me from trying to help you.
  26. I opened up to you, even when you thought I didn’t open up enough.
  27. I miss leaning on your shoulder.
  28. I miss our weekly lunches.
  29. Silence was never awkward with you.
  30. I miss watching the stars with you.
  31. I wish we had more moments when we listened to each other’s music.
  32. I bought new chucks (still black).
  33. Yes, I do hate cheesy, but that doesn’t mean I wanted you to stop being cheesy.
  34. I wish we could have slow danced.
  35. I wanted to do something special on your birthday.
  36. You told me I should change, but just to let you know, I’m fine the way I am.
  37. If you liked me enough, you would have been patient and stayed, but no.
  38. I am an emotional bag of shit right now.
  39. You treated me special, and I loved every single moment of it.
  40. No, I don’t (think I) want you back (okay I don’t know if I want you back).
  41. I still remember every single small memory that we’ve had together.
  42. I still have no idea what to do with the fake sapphire.
  43. I know how to spell your name in Japanese.
  44. Until now, I still cared for you, even though I want to stop.
  45. There are so many stories I want to tell you.
  46. There were so many memories a wanted to share with you.
  47. I didn’t want it to end.

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