Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘moving on’

I miss him.

Call me stupid. Call me an idiot. Call me whatever you want…

But after the emotional buildups and the dozens of breakdowns, I’ve realized that it’s better to accept what I’m really feeling, rather than denying them and forcing myself to feel otherwise.

Yes, I miss him.

It’s been 4 months since he decided to end things between us, and emotionally invest himself on another girl. To most people I know, four months would be enough time to move on; however, I’m still in the process of healing.

It’s not easy, I’ll admit. There are days when I’m feeling good, and things will go my way. But there are other moments when I’m in the mood for deep reflection, and eventually I begin to swirl into a pool of depression. Not to mention that I see him almost everyday (most of the time with his new girl) in school; I don’t have a choice since we have class in the same building (on the same floor, at the same time). This makes the process of moving on much harder for me, and with the summer break coming, I’m hoping I will improve after three full months of avoiding his presence.

The last fews months haven’t been complete torture though. I find comfort in the company of my very close friends and family. Right now, they make me the happiest, because they show that they care and worry for my well-being. I can’t thank them enough for everything they’ve done for me over the last few months, and sometimes I think to myself, “Why can’t I just be grateful for the people around me, and move on?!”

I love my friends and family, don’t get me wrong. But there are just those moments when you need the company of only certain people, or else you’ll feel lonely. Despite, having so many people who care for me all around me, I still feel that sense of loneliness. And right now, I don’t want the company of acquaintances, or the company of my parents…

I want his company. I want to be with him. I need him.

And just hearing myself say that makes me want to slap myself, because I’m not supposed to want him, I’m supposed to be moving on from him.

But it’s true. Until now, I still look for him when I’m alone in school. Whenever I feel lonely, and I don’t know what to do, the first person that would pop into my mind when I need company is him, because I knew he would always come when I needed him. Takes me five seconds to then realize and tell myself, “Oh no wait, he’s busy cuddling with his new girl.”, and that makes me feel even lonelier than I already do.

Recently I’ve started listening to Ed Sheeran’s songs, because he would always play them when we were together. At times they do depress me, but other times they give me a sense of nostalgia and slight happiness.

There are so many things I want to tell him, but I know I just can’t. A few days ago I said the same thing to a friend of mine, and he replied, “Why don’t you just talk to him then?”

True, I can always start talking to him whenever I want to. I can just send a text, and the next thing you know, we’re back to being good buddies again.

But that’s not the case. As much as I do want to talk to him, it still hurts me when I see his face. And this is just seeing his face… what more if I start talking to him? There have been numerous occasions where I’d break down right after he sends me chat messages, and it just shows how unstable I still am at this point.

Whether I ignore him or talk to him, I feel pain either way.

I miss him, and I’m not going to deny it anymore. I feel much lighter after admitting it to myself, but at the same time, I can still feel small pangs of pain hitting my chest.

At this point, all I can say is… I need him. I want to talk to him, but I can’t. Things will never be the same again, and yet I don’t know if I even want him back.

There are a number of things I am pretty sure of though: I know he doesn’t feel the same way.

He doesn’t miss me, I’m not the girl he looks for in school, and he will never, ever want me back. He will never find it in his heart to truly listen to what I feel, and comfort me afterwards. I will never get to hold his hand or give him warm hugs. I just have to accept that things have changed, and I seriously need to move on.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

You called yourself the Moon, 
And you called me your Sun.
I was touched. I was happy.
But now you have someone else,
To bring light to your day.
And I’m now nothing but a small and insignificant red star in the distance.

———————————————-

Over the weeks, I’ve been telling myself that I wanted things to go back to the way it used to, and I was hopeful things would in a matter of weeks… I thought life was going to be okay again. I thought everything was going to be okay again.

But I was wrong.

I’ve suddenly realized that things will never go back to the way it used to.

We can never be as friendly as we were in the beginning of the year. We can never hang out as casually as we want to. We can never talk as honestly as we used to. Things will never be the same again.

I’ve noticed… He’s changed. He’s become a different person, much more different than he was months ago. He’s become more… insensitive. Less caring. More distant and unapproachable (but “heartless” would be too harsh of a word). And as friendly as I’m sure he wants to be, I just can’t help but feel that aura around him right now. It frustrates me even more. What’s worse is that I feel like I’ve just lost a close friend. I want to stay friends, but I’m 90% assured that it’s not going to be the same as it used to be.

I’m sure I’ve changed too. I guess you can say, I’ve become heartless… more heartless than I was before I met him. I’ve learned never to trust anyone. Never to give in to feeling. Never expect from promises ever again. I feel much stronger and more independent, but more closed off to the social world. I’ve become more introverted, more reflective, indifferent, and insensitive. I’ve learned to hope, but for other things other than the thought of love. I become a bitch to the world.

Things have changed. We have changed.

And the thought of it hurts. The realization hurts. It hurts even more than the actual rejection.

In the end, I’ve just given up. I don’t want to look back anymore, and hope that things will be back to normal.

We learn from the past, and we either become better or worse because of it. There is no such thing as “being the same person as I used to be”, because as much as we’d like to think of it that way, in one way or another, we have changed.

Looking back at the past and reliving it for a moment gives nothing but temporary relief, nostalgia, and happiness. In the end, we have to realize that we have become completely different people, because of the decisions we have made.

And we have no choice but to carry that change as we move forward (regardless of what the future brings).

Because, honestly, that’s the only direction we can go.

It’s the only direction I can go.

I’m sorry.

Read Full Post »