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Posts Tagged ‘memories’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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Every year, our school holds this inter-organization dance competition, and his org was one of the participants. He has been part of his org’s dance troupe since freshman year, and I had never seen him dance, ever.

Last year, one of our classes required us to attend 10 theatre plays, variety shows and the like, one of them was that dance competition. My friends and I decided to watch it, and at the same time cheer on our friends who were participating in the competition. I used this as an excuse to watch him dance, because I’ve never seen him dance. And in that year’s competition, he was one of the main performers.

At that time, he had already confessed to me, and I had already said I liked him too, but we did nothing more than that.

I told him I was going to watch the dance competition and I could tell he was kind of excited.

That night, while I was lining up, I texted him good luck. We started talking to each other for a while. He was hoping his team would get in to the final round, and I decided to motivate him even more. I told him that if his team made it into the final round, I would run to him and give him one big hug, so he had to do his best. He didn’t really show a lot of emotion when I said that, but I knew he liked the idea.

The competition began, and I really enjoyed all the performances before his team’s. I was actually really nervous for him, because I really wanted him to advance to the finals (and at the back of my mind I really wanted to give him that hug).

When it was finally his team’s turn to perform, I sat on the edge of my seat and watched.

I can’t describe in detail how the overall performance was, but all I could say was. The concept was amazing, and he was amazing. I could feel my heart pounding and my face flushing. It was my first time seeing his dance, and I just felt like as if I fell for him even more right then and there. My friends were staring at me and the next thing I knew, I was curled up in a ball on my chair, blushing really hard.

I texted him afterwards and congratulated him. He was being modest when he replied saying it wasn’t his best performance, but I could tell deep down, he was happy I saw him dance.

Unfortunately, his team didn’t make it into the finals that year. I was sad for him of course, but as soon as the competition ended, I went out to the back door and gave him that big hug anyway (two hugs actually). He had to leave for a team dinner, but he decided to sit by a tree for a long while with me. We just started talking, and he promised that one day (if he still liked me) we’d slow dance together, and I liked that idea. We both didn’t wanna leave at that moment.

The slow dance never happened. He ended things before that time came.

Of course things are much different now. I blocked him both on my Facebook and my phone. We never talk, and I always ignore him every time we pass by each other.

Last night was this year’s dance competition, but I decided not to watch, because I left school early, I had no friends to watch with, and obviously he was going to be there.

Later that night I was on my laptop, and the results of the competition came out.

His organisation’s crew made it to the finals.

After finding that out, I felt something… like a painful but happy feeling in my chest. I was happy for him, but I was sad at the same time.

I’m not really sure if he did dance with his crew during last night’s competition. But I couldn’t help but wonder what could have happened if they won last year instead of this year. What if he didn’t end things 8 months ago, and we were still together. If I watched his performance and found out that they made it to the finals then and there. Would I have given him a huge hug too?

The feeling was just really painful to bear, I almost fell into another state of mild depression, and I felt extremely stupid for feeling such a feeling.

It doesn’t mean I miss him though. I don’t miss him… at all. I missed the memory, probably. But I don’t miss the person himself. I still don’t want to talk to him honestly.

I’m assuming it was probably the nostalgia that made me feel this way. Making me snap back to the past and remember all the painful bittersweet memories we had together. For a moment I nearly misunderstood it as missing him… as still liking him. But I don’t like him. I’m back to the present, and I never want to remember these memories ever again.

I’m honestly really sad things had to be this way – ignoring him and all. But with the way things are now , I don’t want him back and I don’t think I ever will.

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I still remember it all so clearly.

September 21, 2013. Saturday.

I went to school for a movie event with him.

After the event we decided to walk around the campus, while waiting for my fetcher.

It was dark and quiet; there were barely any people around. We kept walking around school until we found a bench to sit on.

We were never in an official relationship, but we were definitely more than friends. Our “relationship” was a secret. No one knew about it, and if anyone (especially my parents) found out, I would get in huge trouble (for reasons I do not wish to explain).

We sat for a while in silence; we didn’t talk much. Then I decided that we should just listen to each others songs, like we always do. I went first. I played “If My Heart Was a House” by Owl City, because I thought it was a sweet song. But he didn’t, he thought it was sad. Then he played “She” by Ed Sheeran, because he said it reminded him of me, and I smiled.

I moved closer to him, we were already brushing shoulders. There was something about him that made me feel so happy and safe.

Then he told me, “You know, I had a thought during Theo class. That one day, we can hold hands while walking down the Red Brick Road (a place in our school campus).”

Of course, it was impossible, because we couldn’t be seen together as a couple, and he knew that.

But then he added, “But for now..”, then he took my hand and held it, “we can do this.”

And I literally felt myself melt. I leaned on his shoulder, my heart was ready to burst out of my chest and I couldn’t stop smiling from cheek to cheek. It felt like a dream, because I have never felt so much happier, and I never wanted the moment to end. And for a while, we just sat there on that bench, holding hands. But then I had to let go, because more people started passing by the hall. So we stood up and walked around school to look for another place to sit.

As we were walking, it started to rain really hard. He didn’t have an umbrella, but I did. So we shared it, although it was pretty small for the both of us. We ran to the nearest building, and sat down on the benches outside of it. We couldn’t go anywhere else, because the rain started pouring down even harder.

Then I asked him to hold my hand again, and he did. I rested my head on his shoulder again, and he rested his head on my head. It was honestly an uncomfortable position, but I didn’t care, because I didn’t want to let go of his hand. And for the rest of the time, we just sat on that bench, holding hands, and talking about our worries and what the future holds for us.

The rain stopped after a while, and I had to go home. He walked me to where I was going to be picked up. We stopped somewhere where my fetcher couldn’t see us, and we said our goodbyes. I thought he was going to walk away as soon as I said goodbye, but he didn’t. And neither did I. For a moment we were just standing, and looking at each other. Then he walked to me and gave me one long hug. Then he said to me,

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here, okay?”

And with that, I smiled and left.

I will never ever forget that moment. The first time a guy, I liked and cared for, held my hand and said words of happiness and reassurance. It was one of the most (awkward but) happiest moments of my life.

Until today those words still stuck to me.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here, okay?

But now, to me, those words are just nothing more than lies.

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I rarely had dreams about him back when we still liked each other. Whenever I did, it wasn’t even about anything romantic. He was just either one of the evil henchmen (I told him about this and he couldn’t stop apologizing) or the random side character. I could only vividly recall one moment in one dream I had with just the two of us together, and it was beautiful… but this is not what I’m going to be talking about in this post.

Ever since he ended things between us, the number of dreams I’ve had about him have tripled, and it is just terrible. Whenever I had dreams about him before, I’d always smile, but now when I wake up after every dream, I just stare up at my ceiling or at my wall, depressed and in pain.

All my dreams about him tend to feel so very real, that when I wake up, small pangs of pain just start hitting my chest. The feelings, emotions, the surroundings… everything (no matter how surreal it looked) felt so real.

The most recent dream I had about him was last night (which is also why I decided to make this post), and this was different from all the rest, because it felt the most real. For the longest time since he ended things, I have never felt such a feeling of happiness (although it was also pretty bittersweet). I felt like it was actually happening, and I was almost close to tears when I woke up to realize it wasn’t reality.

This dream took place when I was in school. A series of odd but interesting events happened, but I’ll just fast forward to the part with him in it.

It was a cloudy day, and I was walking on the sidewalk, going back to the dorm I have rented within the campus. While I was walking, I see him with his new girl, holding hands. They were just standing their looking up at something at a nearby tree. Having saw them, I immediately moved my gaze to the opposite direction and walked briskly by them. Once I passed by them, I started running to my dorm, and I felt nothing but anger, jealousy, frustration and the urge to cry.

In the next scene I remember after that, I went out of my dorm, and he was standing right outside waiting for me. I honestly, have no idea what I was thinking, but the next thing I know I go towards him, and we start talking while we are walking back to the school campus.

We were both smiling and laughing, and out of impulse, I suddenly grabbed ionn to his arm. I was so close to reaching out for his hand, when I realized at the last minute that we were no longer together. He also noticed that I was about to reach out for it, and he said, “Remember i can’t hold your hand anymore…”. I replied, “Yes I know.” and I slowly distanced myself from him.

We continued walking some more, and then out of the blue, he reached out and held my hand. I was surprised (my legs started feeling like water and I almost melted), and I just looked up at him, speechless. He vaguely said something, and then I suddenly mustered up all my courage to reply, “I miss you.”

I could see from his face that he was shocked after what I just said, and he started stuttering and laughing nervously. He replied something like, “You know, after all this I just realized…” (those were the exact words I remembered), and I think it was something good because after that, I remember moving closer to him and wrapping my arm around his, he didn’t resist, and we just continued talking and walking to who-knows-where.

And all throughout, I knew – no… I felt like I was smiling from cheek to cheek.

Well it had to end eventually. As we were walking, we were still holding hands, when suddenly he pulls away and says that he saw my dad (when it was actually my grandpa). Then he walks away, and he was so fast, that when I looked back, he was gone. After that though, he still kept send me text messages, and I was just so happy.

Then I woke up.

To you, readers, you might have just wondered what the heck just happened. Even I don’t fully comprehend how everything comes together.

But I guess my point is, it’s not about what happened, it’s that the feelings I felt in that dream were so real; It was so close to the feelings I used to feel when I was still with him.

And that’s what hurts.

Forgive me for sounding creepy, but when I held his hand, I felt the warmth and safety I used to feel with him before. When we talked, I could hear myself laughing and feel myself smiling. For most of that moment, I felt genuinely… happy, because everything felt like what it used to be. It felt like my life was put back into place.

This dream just shows how much I long for the days we used to have, and I would love to relive those happy memories I spent with him again…

But I know that it’s never going to happen.

I’ve said this so many time already: I miss him. I miss the way he made me feel, and I miss the times we’ve shared together. I wish it didn’t all have to end so soon. But what happened, happened.

They say the dreams we have reveal what we want, and what we wish for the most. Right now, I want things to go back to the way they were, I want to feel that happiness again.

Every dream that I have about him now are my worst nightmares, because every time I wake up, I wake up sad, realizing that none of it ever happened. And every morning, I just have to accept that, and go on living my life without him in it.

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