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Posts Tagged ‘love’

Why can’t he just leave me alone?

5 weeks ago, I found a way to make him back off. When I realized it was too hard to be casual with him again, I told him to back off, and (after he wrote a long chat message attempting to explain himself), I haven’t heard from him since.

Feels great not seeing his face or hearing his voice. It’s as if we’ve never met. For the past few weeks I’ve been living my life normally – going to summer school, studying, doing extra-curricular work, eating and sleeping. Surprisingly, I’m feeling good about my life. I feel much better when he’s not around. No anxiety attacks, no pain, and no hesitation. When I’m away from him, I feel like my mind can think clearly.

Of course I still have moments of depression whenever I listen to a familiar song or remember a bittersweet memory. There was one time I remembered seeing him in school over the summer term, and I just felt a rush of anger. But life isn’t worth dwelling over the past.

What matters is, I don’t see or talk to him. And as long as he doesn’t bother me then I’m happy.

But then 2 days ago, I went on my tumblr, and I noticed that I received an anonymous message that said:

yo i see your posts on facebook and i really think you shouldn’t give up on love. Just because one guy hurt you doesn’t mean others will too. Who knows, maybe he thinks about you sometimes. Maybe something will happen between you two again, maybe nothing will. But if you give up on it entirely nothing’s going to happen at all, with anybody. You gotta stay strong. You’ll find the right one. A beautiful girl like you won’t have any trouble at all, it just takes a little time.

Of course I thought it was a thoughtful thing to say, so I just thanked the person. But I was suspicious, because:

  1. The sender is my Facebook friend.
  2. The sender knows my Tumblr
  3. Only less than 10 of my Facebook friends know I have a Tumblr account.
  4. No one sends me anonymous messages on Tumblr.

And for a moment, I really did assume that he sent me the Tumblr anon. But I didn’t really bother about it until a friend of mine told me it was him.

Of course when I found out I was furious, because I clearly told (and want) him to back off.

And this wasn’t just the first time. Ever since he ended things, he’d try to check up on me. He took almost every opportunity he could to ask how I was, and how much he wanted to talk to me again. And it’s messages like these that give me nothing but confusion and mixed signals. And it angers me. I don’t know why, but it angers me.

Until now I still wonder why he still wants to keep me as a friend. I asked that the last time we met, and he wouldn’t give me any answer aside from, “I don’t know, I just do.”

I’m brought back to that time, on the day he ended things. When his last word to me was, “Maybe.” Maybe I’ll be his girlfriend in the future, maybe we’ll end up together again. Maybe… but we’ll never know.

That word is such a hopeful word, but I learned not to rely on that anymore. I’ve given up on “maybes” and “what ifs”, because after the shit he’s put me through, I am very sure there will be no more “maybes”.

My friends hate him, my mother hates him even more. If it was already 95% impossible for us to be together when we were still together, he has made it 150% impossible for us to ever get back together.

From what I understood from everything he has said to me, it’s like I’m being treated like a back-up plan. Like he’s saving me for the future. Like if all else fails, he’ll run back to me, because he knows I will always be there.

But if he did have a plan to come back to me in the future, then he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He should have been patient, just like he promised me he would. It wouldn’t be right if he left, just to come back to me at a better time.

Well the damage is done, the past is in the past. And right now, I think it’s best that he just stays away, and treats me as if we’ve never met.

I will never, ever want him back… And it still pains me to accept that.

 

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When I was 10 years old, I had a huge crush on Hayden Christensen (aka Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars Episodes II and III). He was my very first celebrity crush, and it was also the first time I felt like my heart was going to burst from happiness.

Pretty stupid, I know, but hey I was a little girl (… in love with a guy almost three times my age back then). I didn’t really know what I was thinking.

But the point is this is the first time I felt, what I thought before were the signs of love (well “celebrity crush” love at least). Whenever I saw him on TV, my heart would beat so fast that I’d start screaming. Just the thought of possibly meeting him made me grin from cheek to cheek. Back then when I liked Hayden Christensen, I thought one day, I’d meet him, spend a day with him and hope he’d see something in me that he liked.

And again, I’d like to apologize for my childhood fantasies, but these feelings were legit.

When I was a child I was so obsessed with love, so obsessed with happily ever afters.

During that summer, I remembered going to a mall in San Francisco, and my cousin and I came across a Hallmark store. My cousin was also obsessed with the thought of love back then (she had a huge crush on Jon Bon Jovi), and as soon as we saw the store, we rushed straight to the greeting cards section.

I remember the both of us looking through almost every Valentine’s Day and Wedding greeting card. We’d open them up and read the cheesy poems. Then we’d start smiling, giggling and wishing that one day either Hayden Christensen or Jon Bon Jovi would say those sweet things to us.

While walking around the rest of the Hallmark store, my cousin and I noticed a spinning rack with quotes engraved and decorated around it on what looked like ceramic. We were both so drawn to them, that my cousin decided that we should get one each. My cousin got one that was painted purple on the sides, and she told me that the quote written on hers reminded her of Jon Bon Jovi.

So I decided to look for something that reminded me of Hayden Christensen. I found it hard looking for a quote, because none of them really made sense to me. but then just when I was about to give up hope, one of the quotes caught my eye. It was painted in red and white stripes on the edges, large multi-colored beads decorated the hanger, and the quote was written in black on a white surface. 

The quote, I thought, was short, simple, and it made a whole lot of sense…

And they lived happily ever after”

My cousin told me it was a good choice, and we both hoped that one day I would get my happily ever after with Hayden Christensen.

I only realized later on (when I was much older) that this quote would mean a much bigger thing to me.

I stopped liking Hayden Christensen years ago. But whenever I look at this quote, I still can’t help but hope that one day I will find my happily ever after. Of course not with Hayden Christensen… but with someone.

Someone who will love me the way I will love them.

And we will definitely live happily ever after.

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I remembered there were a number of times where he attempted to make me jealous.

Back when we were still together, he told me about how much closer he had become with some girl. He told me how he met this cute girl in one of his classes, and how much he wanted to get to know her. I just nodded and answered with a short two-word sentence, “I see.”

Noticing my lack of a reaction, he asked me,

“Jealous?”

And I just gave him a straight face and replied, “No, why would I be?”

He’d ask me the exact same thing every time he’d talk about this girl. There was one time he told me how she was more of his type than I was. He asked me again if I was jealous, and I gave him the same answer.

“Why would I be?”

And after that, he’d just laugh and say, “It’s okay, I still like you anyway.”

But seriously, why would I be jealous?

At that time, I felt like I didn’t have the right to be jealous, because we were never in an official relationship. Although we did like each other, I felt like I didn’t have the right to call him “mine”.

But that was only one reason why I was never jealous whenever he talked about this girl (or the other girls he had met for that matter).

Despite not being in an official relationship, he still promised me that he would remain “loyal”, and stay with me no matter what. There were so many times where he had told me that he would “never leave me”, and he would “have patience” and “wait for me”. He made so many promises

And I believed him.

But what’s ironic was that the girl he always told me about was the girl he left me for months later.

I’m pretty sure one of the reasons why he ended things with me was because he couldn’t make me jealous, no matter how much he tried. I guess that reflected my lack of emotion, expression and sensitivity, and I blame no one else but myself.

However, I hope he does realize that the second reason why I was never jealous was because…

I trusted him.

Because honestly, why would I be jealous when he promised that he would never leave my side?

Why would I be?

 

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Four months ago, a few days after he ended things between us, I called up a very close childhood friend of mine, and told her what had happened, because I needed advice.

During that time, she had also gone through a break up, because of a somewhat similar situation as mine, so she could sympathize with what I was going through.

After telling her everything and asking me a few questions, there was one thing I remembered her telling me. She told me that there are two types of guys in a relationship: the nice ones and the assholes, and when it comes to a break up, the assholes are the better men.

According to her, when the asshole ends things (which she pointed out was the type of the guy she broke up with), he never talks to you ever again. He will never call,  and he will never check up on you. That way, you are given more room to move on and heal.

The nice one, on the other hand, does the complete opposite. After ending things with you, he will still call, text, and check up on you to see if you’re still okay. This is also due to the guilt he  probably feels from being the one to end the relationship. Sure he does care, but this makes the moving on process much harder and longer, because he keeps contacting you, when you know you should be trying to forget him.

Until now, as painful as it is to admit it, my friend is right. I can classify the guy who ended things with me (and my friend agrees as well) as the nice guy.

A few hours after he ended things with me, he sent me a text message apologizing and telling me to cheer up. Three days later, he asked me how I was feeling, and he admits he feels very guilty for what he has done. And the excuses and reasons he kept telling me were just making me feel even more confused and worse.

It’s hard… really hard for me to move on properly, because he attempts to talk to me whenever I am so close to feeling better. Even after I told him 3 months ago that I needed space, even after I unfollowed him on all my social networking sites,, he still attempts to message me online or text me.

The most recent one was just last week. I’m on summer vacation right now, and I thought a 3-week trip abroad would help me get my mind off of him…

I was wrong.

I woke up early in the morning, I checked my phone and I noticed he sent me a text message. He told me that after eight months, he finally received the Pokemon t-shirt he wanted to give me for my birthday. He told me that if I still wanted it, I just needed to reply. He also asked how I was feeling and that he really wants to start talking to me again.

Even though I shouldn’t have, I said I’d get the shirt from him the next time we’ll meet, but then I told him that talking to him right now wouldn’t be a good idea, because obviously I’m still not in the right mind to say anything else to him. He understood though and told me to enjoy my trip (which he had no idea I was on until I said so.).

Until now it’s still hard trying to move on and let go. I still miss him, and I still think about him a lot. Every time he messages me, I still break down from anxiety after hours of trying to stay strong.

There are times I wish he could just stop talking to me completely, because that last thing I want to think about right now is him and his new girl.

I feel like I’ve made quite a lot of progress though. I’ve been breaking down less often, and I’m focusing most of my energy on myself.

I still don’t think I’m okay. I’ll never know when exactly I’ll really be okay (and I told him that too),  but I know I will be.

I am moving on, I’m learning to accept, and I am healing… but very very slowly.

And I feel like I could have healed a little faster, if we didn’t have to see each other in school, and if he stopped checking up on me when I obviously didn’t need it.

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I rarely had dreams about him back when we still liked each other. Whenever I did, it wasn’t even about anything romantic. He was just either one of the evil henchmen (I told him about this and he couldn’t stop apologizing) or the random side character. I could only vividly recall one moment in one dream I had with just the two of us together, and it was beautiful… but this is not what I’m going to be talking about in this post.

Ever since he ended things between us, the number of dreams I’ve had about him have tripled, and it is just terrible. Whenever I had dreams about him before, I’d always smile, but now when I wake up after every dream, I just stare up at my ceiling or at my wall, depressed and in pain.

All my dreams about him tend to feel so very real, that when I wake up, small pangs of pain just start hitting my chest. The feelings, emotions, the surroundings… everything (no matter how surreal it looked) felt so real.

The most recent dream I had about him was last night (which is also why I decided to make this post), and this was different from all the rest, because it felt the most real. For the longest time since he ended things, I have never felt such a feeling of happiness (although it was also pretty bittersweet). I felt like it was actually happening, and I was almost close to tears when I woke up to realize it wasn’t reality.

This dream took place when I was in school. A series of odd but interesting events happened, but I’ll just fast forward to the part with him in it.

It was a cloudy day, and I was walking on the sidewalk, going back to the dorm I have rented within the campus. While I was walking, I see him with his new girl, holding hands. They were just standing their looking up at something at a nearby tree. Having saw them, I immediately moved my gaze to the opposite direction and walked briskly by them. Once I passed by them, I started running to my dorm, and I felt nothing but anger, jealousy, frustration and the urge to cry.

In the next scene I remember after that, I went out of my dorm, and he was standing right outside waiting for me. I honestly, have no idea what I was thinking, but the next thing I know I go towards him, and we start talking while we are walking back to the school campus.

We were both smiling and laughing, and out of impulse, I suddenly grabbed ionn to his arm. I was so close to reaching out for his hand, when I realized at the last minute that we were no longer together. He also noticed that I was about to reach out for it, and he said, “Remember i can’t hold your hand anymore…”. I replied, “Yes I know.” and I slowly distanced myself from him.

We continued walking some more, and then out of the blue, he reached out and held my hand. I was surprised (my legs started feeling like water and I almost melted), and I just looked up at him, speechless. He vaguely said something, and then I suddenly mustered up all my courage to reply, “I miss you.”

I could see from his face that he was shocked after what I just said, and he started stuttering and laughing nervously. He replied something like, “You know, after all this I just realized…” (those were the exact words I remembered), and I think it was something good because after that, I remember moving closer to him and wrapping my arm around his, he didn’t resist, and we just continued talking and walking to who-knows-where.

And all throughout, I knew – no… I felt like I was smiling from cheek to cheek.

Well it had to end eventually. As we were walking, we were still holding hands, when suddenly he pulls away and says that he saw my dad (when it was actually my grandpa). Then he walks away, and he was so fast, that when I looked back, he was gone. After that though, he still kept send me text messages, and I was just so happy.

Then I woke up.

To you, readers, you might have just wondered what the heck just happened. Even I don’t fully comprehend how everything comes together.

But I guess my point is, it’s not about what happened, it’s that the feelings I felt in that dream were so real; It was so close to the feelings I used to feel when I was still with him.

And that’s what hurts.

Forgive me for sounding creepy, but when I held his hand, I felt the warmth and safety I used to feel with him before. When we talked, I could hear myself laughing and feel myself smiling. For most of that moment, I felt genuinely… happy, because everything felt like what it used to be. It felt like my life was put back into place.

This dream just shows how much I long for the days we used to have, and I would love to relive those happy memories I spent with him again…

But I know that it’s never going to happen.

I’ve said this so many time already: I miss him. I miss the way he made me feel, and I miss the times we’ve shared together. I wish it didn’t all have to end so soon. But what happened, happened.

They say the dreams we have reveal what we want, and what we wish for the most. Right now, I want things to go back to the way they were, I want to feel that happiness again.

Every dream that I have about him now are my worst nightmares, because every time I wake up, I wake up sad, realizing that none of it ever happened. And every morning, I just have to accept that, and go on living my life without him in it.

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I don’t want to be the type of girl who holds on to feelings for people who no longer care, but right now it seems like my emotions will always get the better of me.

This afternoon, I was at the study hall doing on a project with some of my college friends. I was working on my laptop when suddenly, as I looked up, I saw him and his new girl lining up for the printing services.

It was a terrible position to be in, because I was right in front of them, and the only thing separating me from them was a clear glass wall. 

I told my friends that he was right there; they tried to calm me down and told me to look away, which I did. I did everything possible to distract myself. I forced myself to stare at my laptop screen, or I tried contributing ideas to our group project. When I would turn to talk to my friends, I’d place my hand over my forehead and pretend to massage my temples, just so I can avoid seeing them.

Despite all my efforts, I couldn’t calm down. When I noticed how close they were to each other, something (like a huge wave of emotion) started rushing up my throat. My stomach was swarming with butterflies, I was starting to hyperventilate, the tips of my fingers were freezing cold and my entire body (especially my hands) started shaking uncontrollably. I’m pretty sure I was having another anxiety attack.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I stood up and told my friends I needed to step out and take a walk; one of my friends decided to keep me company. I rushed out the door, went down, and sat on the bottom steps of the study hall.

My friend tried her best to distract me by changing the topic, and I tried getting into the conversation. However, I was still shaken from everything that had just happened. My eyes started feeling tired, and I began feeling slightly light-headed. Eventually, I bowed my head, hugged my knees and started taking deep, heavy breaths to calm myself down. My friend sat silently beside me, patting my back every now and then.

After what felt like 10 minutes, I decided to head back up. The shaking didn’t stop, but it wasn’t as bad as it was. He and the girl were still there when my friend and I went back, but I just looked away as I walked pass them and back to my table.

After twenty more minutes at the printing station, they left.

I need to let go. I really don’t want to hold on to these emotions, and I admit I still have a strong grip on them. People think I should have moved on from this by now, but this anxiety attack just shows that I am definitely not ready to approach him or be in the same room/area as him (as much as I want things to be back to normal again). I honestly don’t know when the “right time” will be, but it’s definitely not going to be any time in the near future.

I’m very glad that today was the last day of regular classes for the semester, because that means I won’t have to see him for the next three months of summer break. I’ll need this time to heal properly, without worrying every single day whether I will bump into him or not.

Sure, I miss him a lot…

But right now, the farther we stay apart from each other, the better I’ll probably be.

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I miss him.

Call me stupid. Call me an idiot. Call me whatever you want…

But after the emotional buildups and the dozens of breakdowns, I’ve realized that it’s better to accept what I’m really feeling, rather than denying them and forcing myself to feel otherwise.

Yes, I miss him.

It’s been 4 months since he decided to end things between us, and emotionally invest himself on another girl. To most people I know, four months would be enough time to move on; however, I’m still in the process of healing.

It’s not easy, I’ll admit. There are days when I’m feeling good, and things will go my way. But there are other moments when I’m in the mood for deep reflection, and eventually I begin to swirl into a pool of depression. Not to mention that I see him almost everyday (most of the time with his new girl) in school; I don’t have a choice since we have class in the same building (on the same floor, at the same time). This makes the process of moving on much harder for me, and with the summer break coming, I’m hoping I will improve after three full months of avoiding his presence.

The last fews months haven’t been complete torture though. I find comfort in the company of my very close friends and family. Right now, they make me the happiest, because they show that they care and worry for my well-being. I can’t thank them enough for everything they’ve done for me over the last few months, and sometimes I think to myself, “Why can’t I just be grateful for the people around me, and move on?!”

I love my friends and family, don’t get me wrong. But there are just those moments when you need the company of only certain people, or else you’ll feel lonely. Despite, having so many people who care for me all around me, I still feel that sense of loneliness. And right now, I don’t want the company of acquaintances, or the company of my parents…

I want his company. I want to be with him. I need him.

And just hearing myself say that makes me want to slap myself, because I’m not supposed to want him, I’m supposed to be moving on from him.

But it’s true. Until now, I still look for him when I’m alone in school. Whenever I feel lonely, and I don’t know what to do, the first person that would pop into my mind when I need company is him, because I knew he would always come when I needed him. Takes me five seconds to then realize and tell myself, “Oh no wait, he’s busy cuddling with his new girl.”, and that makes me feel even lonelier than I already do.

Recently I’ve started listening to Ed Sheeran’s songs, because he would always play them when we were together. At times they do depress me, but other times they give me a sense of nostalgia and slight happiness.

There are so many things I want to tell him, but I know I just can’t. A few days ago I said the same thing to a friend of mine, and he replied, “Why don’t you just talk to him then?”

True, I can always start talking to him whenever I want to. I can just send a text, and the next thing you know, we’re back to being good buddies again.

But that’s not the case. As much as I do want to talk to him, it still hurts me when I see his face. And this is just seeing his face… what more if I start talking to him? There have been numerous occasions where I’d break down right after he sends me chat messages, and it just shows how unstable I still am at this point.

Whether I ignore him or talk to him, I feel pain either way.

I miss him, and I’m not going to deny it anymore. I feel much lighter after admitting it to myself, but at the same time, I can still feel small pangs of pain hitting my chest.

At this point, all I can say is… I need him. I want to talk to him, but I can’t. Things will never be the same again, and yet I don’t know if I even want him back.

There are a number of things I am pretty sure of though: I know he doesn’t feel the same way.

He doesn’t miss me, I’m not the girl he looks for in school, and he will never, ever want me back. He will never find it in his heart to truly listen to what I feel, and comfort me afterwards. I will never get to hold his hand or give him warm hugs. I just have to accept that things have changed, and I seriously need to move on.

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