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Posts Tagged ‘life’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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While looking through my old drawings, I came across something that made me remember an experience that happened a long time ago.

My cousin and I were really close, we’re practically inseparable. But one day when I was 12, she stopped talking to me, and I had no idea why. It hurt me, because it felt like I lost a best friend. In my sadness, I sat in my mother’s desktop, opened Microsoft word, and started typing everything that I felt about the whole issue. I remembered crying really hard while typing it. I printed the document, left it on the work table, and I walked away.

A few days later in school, my cousin approached me and gave me a brown envelope creatively decorated and addressed to me. Though her action confused me, I was happy, because it was the first time she’d spoken to me in the last few weeks. When I went home, I opened the letter and inside was a couple of index cards with short anecdotes and a long letter. I skipped the index cards and went straight to the paper.

In a nutshell, she expressed how upset she was over me, because I had the tendency to say insulting things to her without realizing it, and I unintentionally hurt her. But she learned to remain patient with me, and apologized. I started crying after reading this letter, because I was relieved that she still wanted to remain friends with me. Of course, I wondered why she decided to make this letter all of a sudden The next time we met, she began talking to me again, and it turned out that my mother came across my document on the table, called my cousin and read the letter to her.

My cousin and I are still really close friends until this day, but reading her letter made me realize that I needed to be careful of what I was saying.

This wasn’t the only instance, when I hadn’t realized what I was saying. A lot of my friends had pointed out my tendency to sound insensitive, because of the things I say. It’s probably because of this, hardly any of my friends approach me for life advice. I believe that I’m a very straightforward person, and it really hurt and confused me to know that my friends thought of me as insensitive.

This experience really affected the way I interact with people nowadays. I’ll be honest, after knowing that, My self-confidence dropped close to zero. I became much quieter, and I wouldn’t talk unless someone genuinely wanted my opinion on something. But some good came out of it as well. Now that I’m aware of my tendency to sound insensitive, I make it a point to be more careful with the things I say to others.

Finding that letter that came from my cousin, got me reflecting on how the smallest experiences can change the way we behave in the future, and I do believe that this experience really changed me as a person. I can’t say that it changed me for the worst, I also believe that it has also taught me to become a better person.

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Remember the guy who left me for another girl?

Just so I don’t get tired of referring to him as “the guy who left me for another girl”, I’ll call him Y.

The second to the last thing I heard from a friend of mine was that Y had a new girlfriend, which doesn’t affect me at all (except for the fact that while he has a girlfriend, I’m still praying to the gods of love that my crush likes me back). I guess you can say I’m happy for him? Well I’m not happy for him, but I’m not sad either. I just don’t care, honestly.

A few days ago, I was catching up with one of Y’s friends, and he told me that Y made another “creepy” post about me on Facebook. Before I read the post all I could think was, “Dude, you have a girlfriend, why make a post about… someone who is not your girlfriend?!”. Then when his friend showed me the post, it didn’t sound creepy at all.

He used to call me the sun, while he was the moon (which when I think about it now, it sounds ridiculously cheesy and stupid). The moment I saw that sun and moon metaphor in the post, I was 90% sure he was talking about me, and like I said, it wasn’t as creepy as I thought it would be. From what I understood from the post, he was just talking about how he suddenly missed me, and hopes that I am happy, and pretty much he’s just saying that he is finally moving on.

(Whether that post was about me or not) When I read the post, I didn’t really feel anything. My anxiety didn’t act up, but I didn’t feel all light and bubbly inside either. All I did was stare at my laptop screen, and tell myself, “…okay.” And I guess this reaction pretty much tells me that I’ve completely moved on from what had happened more than a year ago.

When I look back at what he did to me, it was definitely painful, and I’m still having a hard time forgiving him for it. Maybe I did love him, because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have taken me more than 8 months to bring back my self-confidence and finally move on. No guy has ever shattered me in this way. I cared for him… I cared for him so much, I wanted to help him, but he didn’t let me. I’ll admit, I think about how much he hurt me, almost every week. But just because I dwell on it, doesn’t mean I’m not over it. Now, I no longer give a damn. I’ve lost all capacity to even care about what he does with his life. All I can do is wish him good luck.

Just this morning I was talking to another friend of Y about this, and after I told him about Y’s Facebook post, he asked me, “Can you talk to him? Are you ready to talk to him?”. When he asked me that, I couldn’t give a definite yes or no. The last time I attempted to talk to him, he fell for me again, and I don’t want that to happen again. I still have my apprehensions about talking to him. I did consider talking to him again (since it’s been more than half a year since the last time we’ve talked), but after reading his recent post, I told his friend that it’s best that I don’t talk to him, especially since he has a girlfriend now. I don’t plan on unblocking him on my Facebook or phone, I think it’s best if I keep things the way it is.

I don’t know if he still reads my WordPress (and I pray to God that he doesn’t or I’ll be genuinely scared for my life). In his Facebook post, he hopes that I am happy, and am I happy? Well, I can’t say I’m extremely happy. I have my moments of anxiety and depression, because of school and other things (and they have been more frequent since the day he left me for another girl), but I can say that I am definitely better than I was more than a year ago.

I’m single, chasing after my crush who probably doesn’t like me the way I like him, and it’s okay… I’m okay, and that’s all that matters right now.

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Something happened a few days ago, and it’s still hard to believe that it actually happened. But whether it might have happened or not, I felt over the moon. happy and excited, but scared and unsure at the same time.

I met up with my crush, Q, so I could give him some DVD’s to watch. We met up near the faculty area where I was going to submit an assignment. One of my college club mates walked me there, and I couldn’t stop telling him about how nervous I was with the though of being alone with Q, but he told me to just chill and enjoy it.

My friend and I parted ways and when I saw Q standing outside the faculty room, he looked pretty classy and charming in a checkered polo shirt and jeans. I suddenly got self-conscious, because I decided to wear my new skort that day. He saw me, and we said “hi”. I told him to give me a minute, so I could submit my assignment in the faculty room, and he told me to take my time.

After I submitted my assignment, I went back out to see him, and I said that I left the DVD’s in my club room, so we walked there. While we were walking, every now and then we’d talk and when we were close enough, we’d accidentally brush shoulders. When we arrived at the club room, the friend, who walked with me, noticed I came in ,and he gave me a smirk. I introduced Q to the club and then I got the DVD’s and we left.

We decided to sit on a stone bench nearby. We sat down, and I gave him the DVD’s. We talked for a while, but nothing deep. Every now and then I would move closer to him to the point where we’d be brushing shoulders again, and he didn’t seem to mind. After a few minutes of talking, he thanked me for the DVD’s, and told me he had to leave. But just before he left he stood up, kissed my head and just left in a rush.

It took me three seconds to realize what he just did, and my heart began racing like crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it throughout the entire day. He texted me a few minutes later apologizing for leaving in a hurry, and thanking me again for the DVD’s.

At first I though it was just Q’s way of say “hello”, “thank you” or “goodbye” to his close girl friends, but when I told my best friend (who is Q’s close friend as well) about it, she also freaked out. She wanted to know more details, so she asked her other friend (who was also close to Q) to ask Q about it. The next day, she told me, that Q wasn’t making anything clear so my best friend said it’s best to just brush it off.

You how the more you think about something, the less believable it gets?

The more I think about that kiss on the head, the more unreal it felt. Until now, I still question myself whether I was hallucinating or not. Did Q really kiss my head or did something else (that made a kissing sound when it fell) hit my head that came from the trees above? I know one thing though… it definitely wasn’t his hand patting my head.

Sometimes when I think about it, I can’t help but smile. And other times, it scares me to the bone.

The thought of possibly having a relationship after coming from a failed almost-relationship scares me sometimes, because God knows what could happen.

I realize now that I like Q. It’s definitely more than a crush. For now, I’m just going to brush this thing aside, but if he does do anything again in the future, I’m definitely going to start interrogating him.

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Reading Ao Haru Ride made me think about the person I was when I was fifteen.

When I was 15 I was so obsessed with the thought of love. I clearly remember, I spent that summer watching every single shoujo, romance anime I could find. And I was so caught up with the emotion. I felt a lightness every time I came across a sweet moment in an anime. I even had a name to that feeling – the light-fluffy-cloud-feeling. It was so strong, it made me feel happy.

I grew up in an all girl’s school, so I’ve never really interacted with boys until I was almost seventeen. Watching these romance animes made me think and wish that my life could become an anime, just like those of Ao Haru Ride, or Kimi ni Todoke.

But that’s not the case.

I got to hang around with boys more often when I was in my senior year of high school. I’ve received a few confessions from them, and it was all so new to me, that I would say I liked them too, to the guys I actually had small crushes on. As time went by, I realized love like in the animes is completely impossible. Every single guy I liked and then turned down, went crazy or turned too depressed, to the point I cut them off almost completely.

It was worse going into college. When I thought things were going to be different things only got worse. More guys confessed to me and it was either I turned them down (and they turned much crazier than the guys in high school; I cut them off completely) or I got heartbroken myself. It was definitely hard to stand.

I’ve started reading and watching shoujo manga less and less when I entered college. As I read Ao Haru Ride right now, I don’t feel the light-fuffy-cloud-feeling like I used to back when I was in high school. I only feel pain and bitterness. The thought that shoujo anime/manga expectations never happen in reality is just really crushing.

It’s as if I’ve really been given a huge taste of reality.

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I still remember it all so clearly.

September 21, 2013. Saturday.

I went to school for a movie event with him.

After the event we decided to walk around the campus, while waiting for my fetcher.

It was dark and quiet; there were barely any people around. We kept walking around school until we found a bench to sit on.

We were never in an official relationship, but we were definitely more than friends. Our “relationship” was a secret. No one knew about it, and if anyone (especially my parents) found out, I would get in huge trouble (for reasons I do not wish to explain).

We sat for a while in silence; we didn’t talk much. Then I decided that we should just listen to each others songs, like we always do. I went first. I played “If My Heart Was a House” by Owl City, because I thought it was a sweet song. But he didn’t, he thought it was sad. Then he played “She” by Ed Sheeran, because he said it reminded him of me, and I smiled.

I moved closer to him, we were already brushing shoulders. There was something about him that made me feel so happy and safe.

Then he told me, “You know, I had a thought during Theo class. That one day, we can hold hands while walking down the Red Brick Road (a place in our school campus).”

Of course, it was impossible, because we couldn’t be seen together as a couple, and he knew that.

But then he added, “But for now..”, then he took my hand and held it, “we can do this.”

And I literally felt myself melt. I leaned on his shoulder, my heart was ready to burst out of my chest and I couldn’t stop smiling from cheek to cheek. It felt like a dream, because I have never felt so much happier, and I never wanted the moment to end. And for a while, we just sat there on that bench, holding hands. But then I had to let go, because more people started passing by the hall. So we stood up and walked around school to look for another place to sit.

As we were walking, it started to rain really hard. He didn’t have an umbrella, but I did. So we shared it, although it was pretty small for the both of us. We ran to the nearest building, and sat down on the benches outside of it. We couldn’t go anywhere else, because the rain started pouring down even harder.

Then I asked him to hold my hand again, and he did. I rested my head on his shoulder again, and he rested his head on my head. It was honestly an uncomfortable position, but I didn’t care, because I didn’t want to let go of his hand. And for the rest of the time, we just sat on that bench, holding hands, and talking about our worries and what the future holds for us.

The rain stopped after a while, and I had to go home. He walked me to where I was going to be picked up. We stopped somewhere where my fetcher couldn’t see us, and we said our goodbyes. I thought he was going to walk away as soon as I said goodbye, but he didn’t. And neither did I. For a moment we were just standing, and looking at each other. Then he walked to me and gave me one long hug. Then he said to me,

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here, okay?”

And with that, I smiled and left.

I will never ever forget that moment. The first time a guy, I liked and cared for, held my hand and said words of happiness and reassurance. It was one of the most (awkward but) happiest moments of my life.

Until today those words still stuck to me.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here, okay?

But now, to me, those words are just nothing more than lies.

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Why can’t he just leave me alone?

5 weeks ago, I found a way to make him back off. When I realized it was too hard to be casual with him again, I told him to back off, and (after he wrote a long chat message attempting to explain himself), I haven’t heard from him since.

Feels great not seeing his face or hearing his voice. It’s as if we’ve never met. For the past few weeks I’ve been living my life normally – going to summer school, studying, doing extra-curricular work, eating and sleeping. Surprisingly, I’m feeling good about my life. I feel much better when he’s not around. No anxiety attacks, no pain, and no hesitation. When I’m away from him, I feel like my mind can think clearly.

Of course I still have moments of depression whenever I listen to a familiar song or remember a bittersweet memory. There was one time I remembered seeing him in school over the summer term, and I just felt a rush of anger. But life isn’t worth dwelling over the past.

What matters is, I don’t see or talk to him. And as long as he doesn’t bother me then I’m happy.

But then 2 days ago, I went on my tumblr, and I noticed that I received an anonymous message that said:

yo i see your posts on facebook and i really think you shouldn’t give up on love. Just because one guy hurt you doesn’t mean others will too. Who knows, maybe he thinks about you sometimes. Maybe something will happen between you two again, maybe nothing will. But if you give up on it entirely nothing’s going to happen at all, with anybody. You gotta stay strong. You’ll find the right one. A beautiful girl like you won’t have any trouble at all, it just takes a little time.

Of course I thought it was a thoughtful thing to say, so I just thanked the person. But I was suspicious, because:

  1. The sender is my Facebook friend.
  2. The sender knows my Tumblr
  3. Only less than 10 of my Facebook friends know I have a Tumblr account.
  4. No one sends me anonymous messages on Tumblr.

And for a moment, I really did assume that he sent me the Tumblr anon. But I didn’t really bother about it until a friend of mine told me it was him.

Of course when I found out I was furious, because I clearly told (and want) him to back off.

And this wasn’t just the first time. Ever since he ended things, he’d try to check up on me. He took almost every opportunity he could to ask how I was, and how much he wanted to talk to me again. And it’s messages like these that give me nothing but confusion and mixed signals. And it angers me. I don’t know why, but it angers me.

Until now I still wonder why he still wants to keep me as a friend. I asked that the last time we met, and he wouldn’t give me any answer aside from, “I don’t know, I just do.”

I’m brought back to that time, on the day he ended things. When his last word to me was, “Maybe.” Maybe I’ll be his girlfriend in the future, maybe we’ll end up together again. Maybe… but we’ll never know.

That word is such a hopeful word, but I learned not to rely on that anymore. I’ve given up on “maybes” and “what ifs”, because after the shit he’s put me through, I am very sure there will be no more “maybes”.

My friends hate him, my mother hates him even more. If it was already 95% impossible for us to be together when we were still together, he has made it 150% impossible for us to ever get back together.

From what I understood from everything he has said to me, it’s like I’m being treated like a back-up plan. Like he’s saving me for the future. Like if all else fails, he’ll run back to me, because he knows I will always be there.

But if he did have a plan to come back to me in the future, then he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He should have been patient, just like he promised me he would. It wouldn’t be right if he left, just to come back to me at a better time.

Well the damage is done, the past is in the past. And right now, I think it’s best that he just stays away, and treats me as if we’ve never met.

I will never, ever want him back… And it still pains me to accept that.

 

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