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Posts Tagged ‘happy’

Something happened a few days ago, and it’s still hard to believe that it actually happened. But whether it might have happened or not, I felt over the moon. happy and excited, but scared and unsure at the same time.

I met up with my crush, Q, so I could give him some DVD’s to watch. We met up near the faculty area where I was going to submit an assignment. One of my college club mates walked me there, and I couldn’t stop telling him about how nervous I was with the though of being alone with Q, but he told me to just chill and enjoy it.

My friend and I parted ways and when I saw Q standing outside the faculty room, he looked pretty classy and charming in a checkered polo shirt and jeans. I suddenly got self-conscious, because I decided to wear my new skort that day. He saw me, and we said “hi”. I told him to give me a minute, so I could submit my assignment in the faculty room, and he told me to take my time.

After I submitted my assignment, I went back out to see him, and I said that I left the DVD’s in my club room, so we walked there. While we were walking, every now and then we’d talk and when we were close enough, we’d accidentally brush shoulders. When we arrived at the club room, the friend, who walked with me, noticed I came in ,and he gave me a smirk. I introduced Q to the club and then I got the DVD’s and we left.

We decided to sit on a stone bench nearby. We sat down, and I gave him the DVD’s. We talked for a while, but nothing deep. Every now and then I would move closer to him to the point where we’d be brushing shoulders again, and he didn’t seem to mind. After a few minutes of talking, he thanked me for the DVD’s, and told me he had to leave. But just before he left he stood up, kissed my head and just left in a rush.

It took me three seconds to realize what he just did, and my heart began racing like crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it throughout the entire day. He texted me a few minutes later apologizing for leaving in a hurry, and thanking me again for the DVD’s.

At first I though it was just Q’s way of say “hello”, “thank you” or “goodbye” to his close girl friends, but when I told my best friend (who is Q’s close friend as well) about it, she also freaked out. She wanted to know more details, so she asked her other friend (who was also close to Q) to ask Q about it. The next day, she told me, that Q wasn’t making anything clear so my best friend said it’s best to just brush it off.

You how the more you think about something, the less believable it gets?

The more I think about that kiss on the head, the more unreal it felt. Until now, I still question myself whether I was hallucinating or not. Did Q really kiss my head or did something else (that made a kissing sound when it fell) hit my head that came from the trees above? I know one thing though… it definitely wasn’t his hand patting my head.

Sometimes when I think about it, I can’t help but smile. And other times, it scares me to the bone.

The thought of possibly having a relationship after coming from a failed almost-relationship scares me sometimes, because God knows what could happen.

I realize now that I like Q. It’s definitely more than a crush. For now, I’m just going to brush this thing aside, but if he does do anything again in the future, I’m definitely going to start interrogating him.

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Over the Christmas break, my best friend messaged me on the Line app, and told me that Q was giving me a sketchbook.

At that time, I was extremely confused, because Q was out of the country, and I didn’t consider myself close enough with Q for him to give me anything from abroad. But that was exactly what he was doing…

He was buying me a souvenir from abroad… and a sketchbook, might I add.

I noticed that Q was very interested in my notebook drawings. Back when we were classmates in one of our classes, I would bring out my drawing notebook every now and then, and doodle. Q would notice them, commenting on how nice it was and all. I would just smile and thank him.

I was surprised, and even my best friend was surprised. Of course I was happy, because I secretly liked him. And of course who wouldn’t be over the moon, after finding out your crush buys you something he thinks you will like?

I felt bad, because it never crossed my mind to buy him anything from abroad. I was going to Japan that Christmas, so I decided to buy him something from there. At first I was hesitating whether I should buy him something or not. Only my closest friends knew I had a crush on him, so getting him something from abroad might make even more people assume that he was important to me. In the end, I got him chopsticks just like I did for my other friends, just so it wasn’t obvious that I found him just a little more special then the rest. But it wasn’t like I just picked any random pair of chopsticks from the store. It had a feminine design, with masculine colors, because there was a running joke in our group that Q was starting to become “one of the girls”.

When class started again, I couldn’t find the right time to give him the chopsticks, because he was always with his friends, and I didn’t want to give it in front his friends, because they might get suspicious of me.

The right time came when we went to my best friend’s house two days ago to study for an exam. We were preparing our notes, when he took something out of his bag and handed it to me. Although I knew he was going to give me a sketchbook, I didn’t expect the sketchbook to look so nice! It was hardbound, and the cover was made of fake dark blue leather. It wasn’t just a regular blank notebook. On the front page it said “One Sketch A Day: A Visual Journal”. It was a drawing notebook that would help me track down my drawing progress in a span of 365 days. On the outside I was thanking him and being my usual sarcastic self, but on the inside, I was bursting with joy.

This also gave me the chance to give him my souvenir. I gave him the chopsticks, and one of the first things he said was, “Cool, I have another pair of chopsticks I can eat my Cheetos with.” I could tell he was happy too.

I still haven’t touched the sketchbook Q gave me. I mean it’s so nice I don’t even want to use it. But I plan to eventually, because it was a souvenir from him. The the fact that he thought of me while he was abroad makes me so happy and touched. I only see Q as a friend and nothing more (and I’m pretty sure he only sees me that way too), but he just makes extremely happy.

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I’ve liked a few guys over the last couple of years, but no guy has ever affected me so much as the last one had.

I never thought it would happen. I didn’t expect it to happen. But I was happy it did happen.

Without digging deep into the details, I liked a guy. He liked me first, and it took me months before I said I liked him too.

We started off as strangers in the same class, then we became groupmates. Eventually, we started sending long text messages to each other, and I guess you could call it our thing. Months passed, we got closer and closer to each other, and I started calling him one of my good college friends. More months passed, and the next thing we knew, it was already summer. We spent almost everyday with each other, and he turned into one of my closest college friends.

He was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, he was different. He was a gentleman, and he cared for me even when I never asked for it. He’d open my doors, grabbed the bill from me during our weekly lunches, and stayed with me when I was alone. He was also funny and interesting to talk to. We had our similarities and differences, but whenever I was talking to him, I never got bored…

For some reason, I never got bored.

As I said, he said he liked me first. Initially, I didn’t know what to say. Took me weeks before I could give him a reply, because I wasn’t sure if things were going to work out. I was 95% sure things wouldn’t work out (and for reasons I do not wish to disclose). Despite that, I thought, “But he is such a nice guy, and he makes me happy.”, and I decided to take the risk, because I thought he was going to be worth the risk. I said I liked him too, and that was the truth.

Despite my doubts, it was the truth.

He made my life much happier for the next few months. We never became classmates again, but we’d meet during our similar breaks. He’d say cheesy things to me (and I hated cheesy, but despite that I couldn’t help but smile), and we’d go somewhere less crowded, and listen to music that he said “reminded him of me”. We’d have lunch every Friday, and afterwards, look for a place to stay and talk to kill time.

I clearly remembered that one time when it was raining hard, and I was at a building quite far from the main campus. He texted me, and said he’d fetch me, because he didn’t want me to get wet. I told him I had an umbrella, but he insisted anyway. And while I was reading our conversation, I couldn’t help but feel warm inside and smile.

We were never in a relationship, but I thought we were getting there.

I knew I was in danger, because like I said, I was warned that this wasn’t going to work out. But I didn’t care, because I thought he was worth it. And he made me happy. What could be wrong about that?

But then the long break came, and we grew more and more distant. And a few days ago, we met up again, we talked, and he said he wanted to end things for now (because of reasons I don’t want to explain).

We decided to end it… he decided to end it. And that was that.

Of course I was sad, I didn’t want it all to end yet. It was my first ever heartbreak. I cried non-stop for two days. I had needed my friends, so I went to look for them. And I told them everything. Four of them said they wanted to kill him (one specifically said she wanted to castrate him, and the other one wanted to maul him. And sometimes I can’t help but laugh and love my friends even more when they say this.).

I not mad, because really… I was expecting this to happen sooner or later.

It hurt, it really, really hurt, but I knew dwelling over the pain wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t change his mind. So I forced myself to carry on.

Currently, I’m trying to get my life back on track. I’ve tried to keep myself occupied with other things. I stopped socializing with people for awhile, and became more immersed in schoolwork, drawing and watching TV shows. For a while I was very occupied with a design job for one of my school organizations. I think I even subconsciously signed up for volunteer work… My friends also tried to distract me by inviting me to lunch, or telling me jokes and funny stories (I really appreciate them doing that, and I love them very very much <3).

It’s been almost a week since then, and I’m feeling much better. But the pain still remains.

I haven’t talked to him since he last checked up on me. We agreed not to talk to each other for a while, but every time I see him, every time we pass by each other in school, my anxiety acts up and my chest starts to hurt. I wanted to break down, I really did.

At this point it’s not the heartbreak that hurts anymore, but it’s the fact that we’ve suddenly become so distant from each other. We no longer wave, we no longer say “hi”. It’s as if we never met; as if we’re total strangers. And it hurts, because I feel like I’ve just lost friend.

I want to stay friends with him, I really do. I want to talk to him already. I want to start a conversation. Send a text message and apologize for what a snob I’ve probably come off to him.

I always tell myself…
Right now, there are two sides of me:
1. The realistic side that’s telling me, “Look away, and move on.”
2. The idealistic, and hopeful Disney side that says, “Just one more look before I go.”
… And they are constantly in war.

Right now, I can’t trust myself to talk to him. It’s hard for me to determine right now whether I want to talk to him, because I miss him, or because I want to end this silent awkwardness between us and just get to the “let’s be friends” part.

Half of me still wishes things went back what they were, and the other half just wants to be his close friend. And I don’t know which of the two will be in control when I start talking to him again.

So right now, I’ll just have to bear with it (as much as it will pain and frustrate me).

I still remember his last words before we split….

Maybe.

Maybe, he explained, things will work out in the future. Maybe we will end up together. Maybe, but not now.

Maybe… but I’m not gonna get my hopes up on that single word anymore.

I still don’t know what to feel about all that’s happened, but I definitely know that I no longer like him the way I used to.

Right now, all I care about is rebuilding the friendship we used to have. If I have to start with simple introductions all over again, I would.

This guy, he’s different from all the rest for some reason. He’s not the perfect guy, but I thought he was close to perfect. He is a nice guy, and he cared for me… He says he still cares for me. He made me happy, and I will never stop saying how happy he had made me. And even though it’s still painful, I will never regret ever meeting him. He’s changed me (and I hope I’ve changed him in some way too).

I’ve lost too many good friends because of almost-similar situations like these, and I don’t want this to end up like the rest.

I hate losing friendships… not like this.

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