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Posts Tagged ‘feels’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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Option

A few nights ago, he texted me, and asked if I was awake.

The stupid girl I was, I replied and asked why?

He said he was bored.

I asked, “Why not talk to your girlfriend (and yes the girl he left me for is now his girlfriend)?”

And he told me that she was probably asleep by now. Moreover, none of his best friends liked to text, so he decided to talk to me, because he wanted someone easy to talk to.

I was infuriated and said, “I am easy to talk to?!”

And he replied, “Well you used to be.”

Then I told him to either finish his anime or go to sleep.

So he slept.

And in that moment, I didn’t even feel like the second option…

I felt like the last option.

And if he only wanted to talk to me just because he was bored, then I’d rather not talk to him at all.

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I rarely had dreams about him back when we still liked each other. Whenever I did, it wasn’t even about anything romantic. He was just either one of the evil henchmen (I told him about this and he couldn’t stop apologizing) or the random side character. I could only vividly recall one moment in one dream I had with just the two of us together, and it was beautiful… but this is not what I’m going to be talking about in this post.

Ever since he ended things between us, the number of dreams I’ve had about him have tripled, and it is just terrible. Whenever I had dreams about him before, I’d always smile, but now when I wake up after every dream, I just stare up at my ceiling or at my wall, depressed and in pain.

All my dreams about him tend to feel so very real, that when I wake up, small pangs of pain just start hitting my chest. The feelings, emotions, the surroundings… everything (no matter how surreal it looked) felt so real.

The most recent dream I had about him was last night (which is also why I decided to make this post), and this was different from all the rest, because it felt the most real. For the longest time since he ended things, I have never felt such a feeling of happiness (although it was also pretty bittersweet). I felt like it was actually happening, and I was almost close to tears when I woke up to realize it wasn’t reality.

This dream took place when I was in school. A series of odd but interesting events happened, but I’ll just fast forward to the part with him in it.

It was a cloudy day, and I was walking on the sidewalk, going back to the dorm I have rented within the campus. While I was walking, I see him with his new girl, holding hands. They were just standing their looking up at something at a nearby tree. Having saw them, I immediately moved my gaze to the opposite direction and walked briskly by them. Once I passed by them, I started running to my dorm, and I felt nothing but anger, jealousy, frustration and the urge to cry.

In the next scene I remember after that, I went out of my dorm, and he was standing right outside waiting for me. I honestly, have no idea what I was thinking, but the next thing I know I go towards him, and we start talking while we are walking back to the school campus.

We were both smiling and laughing, and out of impulse, I suddenly grabbed ionn to his arm. I was so close to reaching out for his hand, when I realized at the last minute that we were no longer together. He also noticed that I was about to reach out for it, and he said, “Remember i can’t hold your hand anymore…”. I replied, “Yes I know.” and I slowly distanced myself from him.

We continued walking some more, and then out of the blue, he reached out and held my hand. I was surprised (my legs started feeling like water and I almost melted), and I just looked up at him, speechless. He vaguely said something, and then I suddenly mustered up all my courage to reply, “I miss you.”

I could see from his face that he was shocked after what I just said, and he started stuttering and laughing nervously. He replied something like, “You know, after all this I just realized…” (those were the exact words I remembered), and I think it was something good because after that, I remember moving closer to him and wrapping my arm around his, he didn’t resist, and we just continued talking and walking to who-knows-where.

And all throughout, I knew – no… I felt like I was smiling from cheek to cheek.

Well it had to end eventually. As we were walking, we were still holding hands, when suddenly he pulls away and says that he saw my dad (when it was actually my grandpa). Then he walks away, and he was so fast, that when I looked back, he was gone. After that though, he still kept send me text messages, and I was just so happy.

Then I woke up.

To you, readers, you might have just wondered what the heck just happened. Even I don’t fully comprehend how everything comes together.

But I guess my point is, it’s not about what happened, it’s that the feelings I felt in that dream were so real; It was so close to the feelings I used to feel when I was still with him.

And that’s what hurts.

Forgive me for sounding creepy, but when I held his hand, I felt the warmth and safety I used to feel with him before. When we talked, I could hear myself laughing and feel myself smiling. For most of that moment, I felt genuinely… happy, because everything felt like what it used to be. It felt like my life was put back into place.

This dream just shows how much I long for the days we used to have, and I would love to relive those happy memories I spent with him again…

But I know that it’s never going to happen.

I’ve said this so many time already: I miss him. I miss the way he made me feel, and I miss the times we’ve shared together. I wish it didn’t all have to end so soon. But what happened, happened.

They say the dreams we have reveal what we want, and what we wish for the most. Right now, I want things to go back to the way they were, I want to feel that happiness again.

Every dream that I have about him now are my worst nightmares, because every time I wake up, I wake up sad, realizing that none of it ever happened. And every morning, I just have to accept that, and go on living my life without him in it.

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  1. I miss you, so damn much.
  2. I miss holding your hand.
  3. I miss your hugs.
  4. I never wanted you to let go.
  5. I want to talk to you again, but it hurts just to see your face.
  6. Yes, I was jealous (happy?).
  7. I cared for you even when I called you a jerk that time.
  8. You f*cking asshole.
  9. I know I don’t show enough emotion, but I liked you very, very much.
  10. I hope you realized what you’ve done.
  11. Subconsciously, you were the reason I look forward to going to school everyday.
  12. It hurts… so much.
  13. I still look for you whenever I’m alone in school.
  14. I feel so much lonelier without you.
  15. You made me so, so happy.
  16. I hope you believe in karma.
  17. I thought you were fine just the way you are, and I didn’t ask for anything more.
  18. I miss leaning on your shoulder.
  19. I never realized how important you were to me until you left.
  20. I don’t care how f*cked up you say your mind is, I still liked you, okay?!
  21. I wanted you to be one of my best friends.
  22. I wish you still cared.
  23. Yes, I am aware you still exist, so please pass anywhere except in front of me.
  24. I hope you realized I wanted you to talk to me, even in your lowest of times.
  25. I don’t care if you’re afraid to hurt me, that won’t stop me from trying to help you.
  26. I opened up to you, even when you thought I didn’t open up enough.
  27. I miss leaning on your shoulder.
  28. I miss our weekly lunches.
  29. Silence was never awkward with you.
  30. I miss watching the stars with you.
  31. I wish we had more moments when we listened to each other’s music.
  32. I bought new chucks (still black).
  33. Yes, I do hate cheesy, but that doesn’t mean I wanted you to stop being cheesy.
  34. I wish we could have slow danced.
  35. I wanted to do something special on your birthday.
  36. You told me I should change, but just to let you know, I’m fine the way I am.
  37. If you liked me enough, you would have been patient and stayed, but no.
  38. I am an emotional bag of shit right now.
  39. You treated me special, and I loved every single moment of it.
  40. No, I don’t (think I) want you back (okay I don’t know if I want you back).
  41. I still remember every single small memory that we’ve had together.
  42. I still have no idea what to do with the fake sapphire.
  43. I know how to spell your name in Japanese.
  44. Until now, I still cared for you, even though I want to stop.
  45. There are so many stories I want to tell you.
  46. There were so many memories a wanted to share with you.
  47. I didn’t want it to end.

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It feels like I’ve forgotten how to live…

I want to be inspired again.
I want to listen to Owl City and be swept away by his lyrics,
And drift off into my own world.
A world only I can go. My nostalgia.

I want to draw as passionately as I used to.
Sit in front of the TV, watch anime,
While I draw on my small wooden table whatever I see.

I want to watch and appreciate Shoujo romance anime again.
I want to feel that Light Fluffy Cloud Feeling whenever I do.
Believe that love can be just like the animes,
And daydream about the sweet high school romance that I will never have.

I want to read my historical romance novels again,
And be immersed in the passion of love that the characters feel,
While appreciating the Victorian London scene.

I want to have tea/coffee time again.
Sit in a coffee shop, with a plate of salad, soup and cake,
Drink a nice cup of coffee/tea,
As I close my eyes, be soothed by the smooth jazz music,
And wishing I could set up my own cafe.

I want to feel Christmas again.
Breathe in the cool Christmas air.
Walk around the malls, and sing along to the Christmas carols.
Have a grand dinner or barbecue with the family.
Attend mass together, and later on open Christmas gifts.

I want to live again.
I want to feel again.
I want to feel like a child again.
I want to believe in wishes again.
I want to be happy again.
I want to be hopeful again…

For the future.

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So this week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

First I’m laughing, then I’m sad, then I’m frustrated, then I’m angry.

The clashing of emotions is just so strong to a point where I’m not alive anymore. But I’m not dead either. I’m just… there. Standing. Like a motionless zombie… except I don’t want brains….

I want answers.

Not only have I been very emotional, I’ve also been very, very confused.

Without blurting out the obvious, there are just so many questions and decisions in my head that I have to think about, and I need to weigh out the pros and cons of every single f*cking thing, because whatever I decide now might determine what happens next.

Throughout the last 7 days, I’ve been thinking and questioning my actions, seeking advice from my friends (because I can’t trust my family at this point), and all I’ve gotten was….

Nothing.

I’ve thought and thought, and I’ve arrived at no solution… no solution at all.

And at this point I’m just really frustrated. I’m frustrated, and it is playing a huge role on my change of emotions. Hence the constant mood swings.

I don’t want to mention the reasons behind all this right now… but I feel like if I held any of these emotions in any longer, I might as well explode.

I’ll admit, there were points where I just completely broke down from all the stress, worry and anxiety. Although crying does temporarily ease my emotions, it doesn’t change the fact that I still have no clear answer to all I’m going through right now.

Just to simplify how I feel, there are 2 sides of me – the realistic side and the idealistic, hopeful and Disney side – and right now they are in constant battle with each other, and it is damaging my chest. Like literally, it’s putting a huge weight on my chest.

I’ll say it now… It’s hard making decisions. Especially the ones I’m making. There are probably 2 solutions I can think of that will solve my problem, but will bring me to the point of depression and eternal regret. I have a third one, but my friends think it’s just too impulsive… heck, even I think so.

All these solutions, and all the possible consequences of it all… it’s just putting me in more confusion and more uncertainty.

I think I’ve thought about it so much already, I just want to stop everything for a moment, lie down and die for like 5 minutes.

Right now I feel like an emotional piece of crap, and I’m not proud of it.

People think that the decisions I have to make now are so simple to do, but honestly, it’s killing me more than they think. They think I’ll move on after all this decision making, but they will never understand the shit load of pain that I’ll feel afterwards.

No one will ever understand what I’m going through now, and I can’t trust anyone with the emotional baggage I’m carrying.

And and might I add before I conclude…

While I am trying to keep peace and order within myself, I am also experiencing unwanted paranoia and anxiety over something I shouldn’t really be dwelling on (but I can’t control it and I can’t help it), and it is killing my stomach and affecting my eating habits. And all I can say about this is…

It hurts. I really, really hurts. Every time I think about it. It just hurts like hell, and I don’t understand.

With everything that’s going on with me right now, I’m surprised I can still focus on schoolwork.

46776Picture from Google Images

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