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Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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A Dream

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that felt so real.

I was sitting on a lazy boy chair reading a book. Q comes up to me from behind the chair, and we talk for a while. he’d mention things to me, and I’d reply while switching my gaze back to my book every now and then. It was just a casual conversation, about random topics I don’t remember anymore. It felt like a normal conversation between two friends.

“Hey I need to go now…” he says.

I look up to him, I smile and say “okay.”, as if I wasn’t disappointed with what he said to me (when usually I would be).

He straightened his back, and said “I’ll see you then.” All of a sudden, he turns my lazy boy chair around, places his hands on both sides of my cheeks, and lands a quick kiss on my lips. Then he leaves.

It takes me 5 seconds to realize what he did, and I try and reach to him and stammer, “wait!”

He turns around, and walks back to me. He bends down and places his hands on both sides of the lazy boy arm chair.

I stare at him, still confused. I felt my heart beating fast… so it was ready to jump out of my mouth. As much as I wanted to contain it, I couldn’t help but smile from extreme happiness. It takes me a while to collect my thoughts. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but all I could manage to say was, “…why?”.

He walks beside me, and sits on his heels, so he is the same level as me. He takes my hands in his, looks at me, and says, “I… I just felt like it.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, and he laughs too. Then he places his hands on my cheeks again and pulls me in for another kiss…

Next thing I know, my alarm rings and I’m lying down on my bed.

For a moment I actually thought it happened. I felt so light and so happy when I woke up, I was smiling to myself. But it took a while for reality to sink in, and tell me It was all a dream, honey.

Some dreams can feel so real, you actually believe they have happened. It has been a long time since I’ve had a dream that felt like that. For a second I actually believed Q kissed me, and said all those things to me, even I was surprised. For a while, I felt really happy and light. but when you realize it’s just a dream, especially if it felt this good, you can’t help but be disappointed. But in the end, you just have to learn learn to live with it… live with the “What ifs”.

Later that day, I went wall climbing with Q, and I acted as if that dream didn’t bother me at all.

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A few months ago, we started talking again.

He messaged me first.

I was hesitant, but I decided to reply to him a few days later. Not because I wanted to be friends again, but I wanted to see how he would react if he got he wanted – finally mending ties with me and at the same time loving his girlfriend. It was a normal conversation, except I was using very little emoticons, because I was mad. But he was patient with me, and that really pissed me off to be honest.

I subtly brought up his girlfriend. He didn’t saying anything about it other than it not being a happy news. The a few days later I brought it up again, and I found out… they broke up.

I wasn’t happy obviously, but I didn’t feel bad for him. I just told him to cheer up, even if it doesn’t work when people say that. He told me he was a mess, but I didn’t know what to say other than… actually I don’t remember what I said, but I definitely did not sound comforting. Despite that, he was still patient with me, and we continued talking to each other.

I didn’t consider him as my friend, I felt like he didn’t deserve to be my friend after everything he’s done to me. But I wanted to start talking to him again, because I didn’t want things to be awkward with us. We study in the same school together, and our school campus is really small, I can’t just avoid him for the rest of my college life. At that time I thought we could be just acquaintances, someone I just… knew. But nothing more than that.

One day I was alone, I didn’t have anyone to eat lunch with. He was the only person I knew who was free, so I texted him. He was surprised, but he said he was okay with lunch. So we met up. We talked. And he noticed I was different. More laid-back and sarcastic… a little bitchy, because I was cursing more often. We talked about everything that’s happened in the last eight months. Apparently he was in Japan, and he bought me something. He showed it to me, but I told him I didn’t want it. He insisted but I said no (or I would have seriously stood up and left). We talked about his ex-girlfriend. He admitted he made a mistake and he was sorry. He said moving on from me wasn’t easy as well (if that was the case, why the hell did he break it off?!), and he thought ending things would make him happier. I just sat there listening to him, because I had nothing (kind) to say. We talked some more until I had to go to class, and he took me there.

To me, that lunch felt like any normal lunch we had together in the past. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t totally angry. To be honest, I thought slowly, we’d be okay with each other again, but only as friends, and nothing more. I thought things were going to be… okay.

But no.

The next day, we had recollection about love and marriage, his was in the morning and mine was in the afternoon. While I was eating breakfast that morning, he miscalled me. I wondered what was going on, so I called him back. I asked what was wrong and it sounded as if, he didn’t want to say it on the phone. I asked if he wanted to meet before my recollection, and he agreed.

We met up and I asked him to say what was going on. He looked nervous and lost for words at first, but I told him to just hurry up and speak. He told me about everything that’s happened in the last few weeks. He told me he saw signs… signs pointing to me and he was confused. During the recollection they had a couples talk, and he realized something. He realised after everything that’s happened, I was the person being patient with him, and he was really grateful for that. He told me how much I’ve changed and he liked that too… then he just said it…

He liked me again.

And I could feel myself just shut down. I knew this was going to happen. I had a huge feeling this was going to happen. I wasn’t feeling happy… quite the opposite actually…

I was feeling dread, and confusion, I just totally blacked out in my head.

It took me a while to snap back to what was happening. Then, as if the emotional side of me just took over, I asked him to hold my hand. In my mind, I knew I was doing an extremely stupid thing, I wanted to slap my self (kill myself actually), but I guenss that side of me just wanted to see if there was still anything when I held his hand… if I still felt something.

He was hesitant at first, because he thought I was going to break his arm, but he held it.

And I felt nothing.

And that was it. I didn’t like him anymore.

Every single happy feeling was finally drained out by all the shit and pain I went through after he ended things.

So while holding his hand, I told him we can’t be together anymore. After everything he put me through, why the hell would I want him back? He didn’t deserve a second chance and he knew that. But he just wanted me to know he liked me again and that he wanted to win me back. I kept discouraging him, but he kept insisting. He gave me a series of hugs before I went to my recollection. I didn’t refuse (as if the emotional side of me decided to take over and give in). He looked like I was in top of the world, and I felt like… well… shit.

Once I entered my recollection room, my mind immediately snapped back in control, and I felt horrible. I wanted to kill myself, because I handled it so stupidly. I shouldn’t have held his hand, I should have pushed him away when he gave me 3 hugs. Right then and there I was ashamed of myself, and I wanted to just drop dead and die. Throughout the entire recollection I was restless. I had no one to talk to, and I needed to tell someone quick. After the recollection I called my friends I told them what happened. One of them gave me a huge sermon as to control myself next time, because I think I just gave him even more motivation to win me back. I knew that honestly, I just wasn’t thinking properly and acted out of impulse. For two weeks, I hated myself. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall.

Took me a long time to cool down, but once I did I managed to start thinking clearly again. If I really wanted him to stop liking me, I needed to be consistent and show that I really didn’t want him back. So I decided to stop talking to him.

He messaged me again after a few days, and I told him straight-out, that we should stop talking for now, because I was busy (which was mostly true, because I had to study for exams). He was sad, but he understood. Two days later, he messages me again, and I started getting really annoyed now at his persistence. I explained to him at that point about how I was feeling really uncomfortable with him sending me sweet pictures (things he would send me when we were still together), and I told him I wanted to give up on me and just move on. I understood that it was going to be hard for him, but if he plans to move on from me eventually, we first need to stop talking to each other. So we did.

Or so I thought.

He still didn’t stop. He sent me a text two days later, and rather than just snapping at him, I ignored the message. I started getting really scared at this point, because I have no idea what he wants to do anymore. I didn’t feel safe when I was with him anymore. I honestly felt like my personal space was being threatened. My friends we scared for me as well, just as much as I was scared for myself. We didn’t talk again for almost a week.

But then one Friday, he messaged me asking to meet up and settle things once and for all (when I thought I gave him all the closure he needed). At that point I just reached my limit and snapped, especially because he texted me right before an important oral exam… which I was already dead nervous. I replied back and told him to meet me and this time and this place. If he didn’t show up in ten minutes, I would leave.

He agreed to it, and we met up after a few hours. Two of my friends were looking out for me ten feet away, because they didn’t want to leave me alone with him (and because I was genuinely scared at this point). I didn’t even stay calm in front of him anymore, I was pretty much screaming at him (and my friends could tell from afar because they could see my large hand movements). I told him that if we both want him to move on from me, we should stop talking to each other. He kept explaining to me again how sorry he was and how many mistakes he had made. But honestly, I was starting to get really tired of all the things he was saying. I told him again, to give up on me and stop talking to me for 6-8 months. He said that was too long, but I said it was either that or I would never talk to him again.

But before I could say more, my friends decided to pull me away. Before I could leave, he stopped me again, and said he wanted to show me something. I followed him out of politeness, and then he asked me if I received a flower from anyone this week (Note: that week was the week people were giving flowers to their crushes and lovers). I immediately knew what he was going to do, and I said no immediately. He kept insisting I keep it anyway, but I continued to turn him down, because I knew that if I did take the flower, I would be giving him hope, and that’s that last thing I want to give him right now. I wanted him to move on, and for that to happen, I have to stop accepting things from him.

He still wouldn’t stop insisting, and at that point I was so mad, I snapped. I felt like my voice was getting louder and I juste topped thinking. I felt like I created a scene in that area, my friends were looking at me (hell the was a guy staring at us from a bench 2 feet away. My friends called me again, and I told him I was leaving.

Of course I felt really bad for turning him down, but I knew it was for the best for both of us. The last thing I needed right then and there was to like him again, and I plan never to like him that way again. He had made it 1000% impossible for us to be together again, and we both have to accept that.

The next day, my friends blocked him for me on Facebook.

A few days later, I met up with my college friends, and I found out, he posted an extremely long post ON FACEBOOK about everything that had happened, from the day he confessed to me again to the day I rejected the flower (which apparently was really expensive). It also said how much of a mess he was. While all my friends said they felt bad for him… I didn’t. I don’t want to sound mean, but as much as I do want to say I feel bad for him, I have lost all capability to feel bad for him. I felt heartless and it didn’t feel good at all. I was pissed, because I felt like my privacy had been disrespected. He didn’t mention any names, sure, but any person who knew the both of us knew he was talking about me. And I felt really disrespected by that post, as if I became the bad guy (which I probably was). After seeing that post, I blocked him on my phone’s contact list.

It’s been almost 2 months now since we haven’t talked. We pass by each other in school, but I just end up looking away. Honestly, I’m fine if he never talks to me again. I feel lonelier, sure, but I definitely do not miss him. I think I’ve moved on pretty much. I have a new crush to admire, and I’m doing okay in school and in life in general. After everything that’s happened between us over the past year, I no longer feel safe with him anymore.

I feel like a terrible person right now. But if I know this will be for the best for the two of us, then so be it, right?

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Why can’t he just leave me alone?

5 weeks ago, I found a way to make him back off. When I realized it was too hard to be casual with him again, I told him to back off, and (after he wrote a long chat message attempting to explain himself), I haven’t heard from him since.

Feels great not seeing his face or hearing his voice. It’s as if we’ve never met. For the past few weeks I’ve been living my life normally – going to summer school, studying, doing extra-curricular work, eating and sleeping. Surprisingly, I’m feeling good about my life. I feel much better when he’s not around. No anxiety attacks, no pain, and no hesitation. When I’m away from him, I feel like my mind can think clearly.

Of course I still have moments of depression whenever I listen to a familiar song or remember a bittersweet memory. There was one time I remembered seeing him in school over the summer term, and I just felt a rush of anger. But life isn’t worth dwelling over the past.

What matters is, I don’t see or talk to him. And as long as he doesn’t bother me then I’m happy.

But then 2 days ago, I went on my tumblr, and I noticed that I received an anonymous message that said:

yo i see your posts on facebook and i really think you shouldn’t give up on love. Just because one guy hurt you doesn’t mean others will too. Who knows, maybe he thinks about you sometimes. Maybe something will happen between you two again, maybe nothing will. But if you give up on it entirely nothing’s going to happen at all, with anybody. You gotta stay strong. You’ll find the right one. A beautiful girl like you won’t have any trouble at all, it just takes a little time.

Of course I thought it was a thoughtful thing to say, so I just thanked the person. But I was suspicious, because:

  1. The sender is my Facebook friend.
  2. The sender knows my Tumblr
  3. Only less than 10 of my Facebook friends know I have a Tumblr account.
  4. No one sends me anonymous messages on Tumblr.

And for a moment, I really did assume that he sent me the Tumblr anon. But I didn’t really bother about it until a friend of mine told me it was him.

Of course when I found out I was furious, because I clearly told (and want) him to back off.

And this wasn’t just the first time. Ever since he ended things, he’d try to check up on me. He took almost every opportunity he could to ask how I was, and how much he wanted to talk to me again. And it’s messages like these that give me nothing but confusion and mixed signals. And it angers me. I don’t know why, but it angers me.

Until now I still wonder why he still wants to keep me as a friend. I asked that the last time we met, and he wouldn’t give me any answer aside from, “I don’t know, I just do.”

I’m brought back to that time, on the day he ended things. When his last word to me was, “Maybe.” Maybe I’ll be his girlfriend in the future, maybe we’ll end up together again. Maybe… but we’ll never know.

That word is such a hopeful word, but I learned not to rely on that anymore. I’ve given up on “maybes” and “what ifs”, because after the shit he’s put me through, I am very sure there will be no more “maybes”.

My friends hate him, my mother hates him even more. If it was already 95% impossible for us to be together when we were still together, he has made it 150% impossible for us to ever get back together.

From what I understood from everything he has said to me, it’s like I’m being treated like a back-up plan. Like he’s saving me for the future. Like if all else fails, he’ll run back to me, because he knows I will always be there.

But if he did have a plan to come back to me in the future, then he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He should have been patient, just like he promised me he would. It wouldn’t be right if he left, just to come back to me at a better time.

Well the damage is done, the past is in the past. And right now, I think it’s best that he just stays away, and treats me as if we’ve never met.

I will never, ever want him back… And it still pains me to accept that.

 

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Option

A few nights ago, he texted me, and asked if I was awake.

The stupid girl I was, I replied and asked why?

He said he was bored.

I asked, “Why not talk to your girlfriend (and yes the girl he left me for is now his girlfriend)?”

And he told me that she was probably asleep by now. Moreover, none of his best friends liked to text, so he decided to talk to me, because he wanted someone easy to talk to.

I was infuriated and said, “I am easy to talk to?!”

And he replied, “Well you used to be.”

Then I told him to either finish his anime or go to sleep.

So he slept.

And in that moment, I didn’t even feel like the second option…

I felt like the last option.

And if he only wanted to talk to me just because he was bored, then I’d rather not talk to him at all.

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I rarely had dreams about him back when we still liked each other. Whenever I did, it wasn’t even about anything romantic. He was just either one of the evil henchmen (I told him about this and he couldn’t stop apologizing) or the random side character. I could only vividly recall one moment in one dream I had with just the two of us together, and it was beautiful… but this is not what I’m going to be talking about in this post.

Ever since he ended things between us, the number of dreams I’ve had about him have tripled, and it is just terrible. Whenever I had dreams about him before, I’d always smile, but now when I wake up after every dream, I just stare up at my ceiling or at my wall, depressed and in pain.

All my dreams about him tend to feel so very real, that when I wake up, small pangs of pain just start hitting my chest. The feelings, emotions, the surroundings… everything (no matter how surreal it looked) felt so real.

The most recent dream I had about him was last night (which is also why I decided to make this post), and this was different from all the rest, because it felt the most real. For the longest time since he ended things, I have never felt such a feeling of happiness (although it was also pretty bittersweet). I felt like it was actually happening, and I was almost close to tears when I woke up to realize it wasn’t reality.

This dream took place when I was in school. A series of odd but interesting events happened, but I’ll just fast forward to the part with him in it.

It was a cloudy day, and I was walking on the sidewalk, going back to the dorm I have rented within the campus. While I was walking, I see him with his new girl, holding hands. They were just standing their looking up at something at a nearby tree. Having saw them, I immediately moved my gaze to the opposite direction and walked briskly by them. Once I passed by them, I started running to my dorm, and I felt nothing but anger, jealousy, frustration and the urge to cry.

In the next scene I remember after that, I went out of my dorm, and he was standing right outside waiting for me. I honestly, have no idea what I was thinking, but the next thing I know I go towards him, and we start talking while we are walking back to the school campus.

We were both smiling and laughing, and out of impulse, I suddenly grabbed ionn to his arm. I was so close to reaching out for his hand, when I realized at the last minute that we were no longer together. He also noticed that I was about to reach out for it, and he said, “Remember i can’t hold your hand anymore…”. I replied, “Yes I know.” and I slowly distanced myself from him.

We continued walking some more, and then out of the blue, he reached out and held my hand. I was surprised (my legs started feeling like water and I almost melted), and I just looked up at him, speechless. He vaguely said something, and then I suddenly mustered up all my courage to reply, “I miss you.”

I could see from his face that he was shocked after what I just said, and he started stuttering and laughing nervously. He replied something like, “You know, after all this I just realized…” (those were the exact words I remembered), and I think it was something good because after that, I remember moving closer to him and wrapping my arm around his, he didn’t resist, and we just continued talking and walking to who-knows-where.

And all throughout, I knew – no… I felt like I was smiling from cheek to cheek.

Well it had to end eventually. As we were walking, we were still holding hands, when suddenly he pulls away and says that he saw my dad (when it was actually my grandpa). Then he walks away, and he was so fast, that when I looked back, he was gone. After that though, he still kept send me text messages, and I was just so happy.

Then I woke up.

To you, readers, you might have just wondered what the heck just happened. Even I don’t fully comprehend how everything comes together.

But I guess my point is, it’s not about what happened, it’s that the feelings I felt in that dream were so real; It was so close to the feelings I used to feel when I was still with him.

And that’s what hurts.

Forgive me for sounding creepy, but when I held his hand, I felt the warmth and safety I used to feel with him before. When we talked, I could hear myself laughing and feel myself smiling. For most of that moment, I felt genuinely… happy, because everything felt like what it used to be. It felt like my life was put back into place.

This dream just shows how much I long for the days we used to have, and I would love to relive those happy memories I spent with him again…

But I know that it’s never going to happen.

I’ve said this so many time already: I miss him. I miss the way he made me feel, and I miss the times we’ve shared together. I wish it didn’t all have to end so soon. But what happened, happened.

They say the dreams we have reveal what we want, and what we wish for the most. Right now, I want things to go back to the way they were, I want to feel that happiness again.

Every dream that I have about him now are my worst nightmares, because every time I wake up, I wake up sad, realizing that none of it ever happened. And every morning, I just have to accept that, and go on living my life without him in it.

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  1. I miss you, so damn much.
  2. I miss holding your hand.
  3. I miss your hugs.
  4. I never wanted you to let go.
  5. I want to talk to you again, but it hurts just to see your face.
  6. Yes, I was jealous (happy?).
  7. I cared for you even when I called you a jerk that time.
  8. You f*cking asshole.
  9. I know I don’t show enough emotion, but I liked you very, very much.
  10. I hope you realized what you’ve done.
  11. Subconsciously, you were the reason I look forward to going to school everyday.
  12. It hurts… so much.
  13. I still look for you whenever I’m alone in school.
  14. I feel so much lonelier without you.
  15. You made me so, so happy.
  16. I hope you believe in karma.
  17. I thought you were fine just the way you are, and I didn’t ask for anything more.
  18. I miss leaning on your shoulder.
  19. I never realized how important you were to me until you left.
  20. I don’t care how f*cked up you say your mind is, I still liked you, okay?!
  21. I wanted you to be one of my best friends.
  22. I wish you still cared.
  23. Yes, I am aware you still exist, so please pass anywhere except in front of me.
  24. I hope you realized I wanted you to talk to me, even in your lowest of times.
  25. I don’t care if you’re afraid to hurt me, that won’t stop me from trying to help you.
  26. I opened up to you, even when you thought I didn’t open up enough.
  27. I miss leaning on your shoulder.
  28. I miss our weekly lunches.
  29. Silence was never awkward with you.
  30. I miss watching the stars with you.
  31. I wish we had more moments when we listened to each other’s music.
  32. I bought new chucks (still black).
  33. Yes, I do hate cheesy, but that doesn’t mean I wanted you to stop being cheesy.
  34. I wish we could have slow danced.
  35. I wanted to do something special on your birthday.
  36. You told me I should change, but just to let you know, I’m fine the way I am.
  37. If you liked me enough, you would have been patient and stayed, but no.
  38. I am an emotional bag of shit right now.
  39. You treated me special, and I loved every single moment of it.
  40. No, I don’t (think I) want you back (okay I don’t know if I want you back).
  41. I still remember every single small memory that we’ve had together.
  42. I still have no idea what to do with the fake sapphire.
  43. I know how to spell your name in Japanese.
  44. Until now, I still cared for you, even though I want to stop.
  45. There are so many stories I want to tell you.
  46. There were so many memories a wanted to share with you.
  47. I didn’t want it to end.

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