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Posts Tagged ‘expectation’

Reading Ao Haru Ride made me think about the person I was when I was fifteen.

When I was 15 I was so obsessed with the thought of love. I clearly remember, I spent that summer watching every single shoujo, romance anime I could find. And I was so caught up with the emotion. I felt a lightness every time I came across a sweet moment in an anime. I even had a name to that feeling – the light-fluffy-cloud-feeling. It was so strong, it made me feel happy.

I grew up in an all girl’s school, so I’ve never really interacted with boys until I was almost seventeen. Watching these romance animes made me think and wish that my life could become an anime, just like those of Ao Haru Ride, or Kimi ni Todoke.

But that’s not the case.

I got to hang around with boys more often when I was in my senior year of high school. I’ve received a few confessions from them, and it was all so new to me, that I would say I liked them too, to the guys I actually had small crushes on. As time went by, I realized love like in the animes is completely impossible. Every single guy I liked and then turned down, went crazy or turned too depressed, to the point I cut them off almost completely.

It was worse going into college. When I thought things were going to be different things only got worse. More guys confessed to me and it was either I turned them down (and they turned much crazier than the guys in high school; I cut them off completely) or I got heartbroken myself. It was definitely hard to stand.

I’ve started reading and watching shoujo manga less and less when I entered college. As I read Ao Haru Ride right now, I don’t feel the light-fuffy-cloud-feeling like I used to back when I was in high school. I only feel pain and bitterness. The thought that shoujo anime/manga expectations never happen in reality is just really crushing.

It’s as if I’ve really been given a huge taste of reality.

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So it’s Valentine’s Day on my end of the world, and honestly… I just want this day to be over with.

I didn’t want to go to school today… because the last thing I wanted to be right now was alone… surrounded by roses and couples… holding hands… probably smooching…

And I guess it’s only normal that I react so bitterly this year… I just had my heart broken four months ago by a guy who studies in the same school. What’s worse is that Valentine’s Day is also his birthday, and the things I was hoping I’d do for him… well, I won’t be able to do for him anymore, because the sight of him angers and hurts me. The pain is still pretty fresh, and seeing him around campus with the girl he left me for is just going to make things even worse on my part. And I don’t want to feel as bad as I already do.

Cutting all my classes was a very, very tempting decision, but everyone told me to stop thinking that way; moreover, I had things to do in school. So I guess I had no choice but to go.

In my opinion, the stay in school was… quite terrible, but bearable. I left school at the end of the day, tired, exhausted, and just depressed.

Honestly, the best part of the day was going home, because at least I am the most comfortable alone when I’m at home.

I thought that as soon as I got home, I would just go straight to my room, lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling for the next 30 minutes, and sob myself to sleep… but no.

When I arrived, I saw that the kitchen table was full of bouquets of flowers, and my mom came to me and said, “look for yours.” I was honestly really shocked, because I initially thought all those bouquets were for my mom from my dad. I approached the counter top, and immediately saw my bouquet neatly and beautifully wrapped in blue and orange. Stuck to it was a card in the shape of a heart that said,

To: Olivia
HAPPY VALENTINES!
Fr: PAPA+MAMA

I just stood in front of it in silence, but I could feel the overwhelming emotion rising up my chest and the tears forcing itself to stream out of my eyes. I was smiling on the inside, because this was the largest bouquet anyone has ever given me in my entire life! And I know it was given by the two people who mean the most to me.

Everyone says that Valentine’s day is not only a day to express your love for your significant others, it is also a day to express your love to your family and friends.

I constantly remind myself, that although I have been unlucky in terms of finding romantic love, I am very, very blessed to be truly loved and cared for by my family and best friends. And that’s all that really matters to me right now.

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