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Posts Tagged ‘confusion’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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Something happened a few days ago, and it’s still hard to believe that it actually happened. But whether it might have happened or not, I felt over the moon. happy and excited, but scared and unsure at the same time.

I met up with my crush, Q, so I could give him some DVD’s to watch. We met up near the faculty area where I was going to submit an assignment. One of my college club mates walked me there, and I couldn’t stop telling him about how nervous I was with the though of being alone with Q, but he told me to just chill and enjoy it.

My friend and I parted ways and when I saw Q standing outside the faculty room, he looked pretty classy and charming in a checkered polo shirt and jeans. I suddenly got self-conscious, because I decided to wear my new skort that day. He saw me, and we said “hi”. I told him to give me a minute, so I could submit my assignment in the faculty room, and he told me to take my time.

After I submitted my assignment, I went back out to see him, and I said that I left the DVD’s in my club room, so we walked there. While we were walking, every now and then we’d talk and when we were close enough, we’d accidentally brush shoulders. When we arrived at the club room, the friend, who walked with me, noticed I came in ,and he gave me a smirk. I introduced Q to the club and then I got the DVD’s and we left.

We decided to sit on a stone bench nearby. We sat down, and I gave him the DVD’s. We talked for a while, but nothing deep. Every now and then I would move closer to him to the point where we’d be brushing shoulders again, and he didn’t seem to mind. After a few minutes of talking, he thanked me for the DVD’s, and told me he had to leave. But just before he left he stood up, kissed my head and just left in a rush.

It took me three seconds to realize what he just did, and my heart began racing like crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it throughout the entire day. He texted me a few minutes later apologizing for leaving in a hurry, and thanking me again for the DVD’s.

At first I though it was just Q’s way of say “hello”, “thank you” or “goodbye” to his close girl friends, but when I told my best friend (who is Q’s close friend as well) about it, she also freaked out. She wanted to know more details, so she asked her other friend (who was also close to Q) to ask Q about it. The next day, she told me, that Q wasn’t making anything clear so my best friend said it’s best to just brush it off.

You how the more you think about something, the less believable it gets?

The more I think about that kiss on the head, the more unreal it felt. Until now, I still question myself whether I was hallucinating or not. Did Q really kiss my head or did something else (that made a kissing sound when it fell) hit my head that came from the trees above? I know one thing though… it definitely wasn’t his hand patting my head.

Sometimes when I think about it, I can’t help but smile. And other times, it scares me to the bone.

The thought of possibly having a relationship after coming from a failed almost-relationship scares me sometimes, because God knows what could happen.

I realize now that I like Q. It’s definitely more than a crush. For now, I’m just going to brush this thing aside, but if he does do anything again in the future, I’m definitely going to start interrogating him.

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A few months ago, we started talking again.

He messaged me first.

I was hesitant, but I decided to reply to him a few days later. Not because I wanted to be friends again, but I wanted to see how he would react if he got he wanted – finally mending ties with me and at the same time loving his girlfriend. It was a normal conversation, except I was using very little emoticons, because I was mad. But he was patient with me, and that really pissed me off to be honest.

I subtly brought up his girlfriend. He didn’t saying anything about it other than it not being a happy news. The a few days later I brought it up again, and I found out… they broke up.

I wasn’t happy obviously, but I didn’t feel bad for him. I just told him to cheer up, even if it doesn’t work when people say that. He told me he was a mess, but I didn’t know what to say other than… actually I don’t remember what I said, but I definitely did not sound comforting. Despite that, he was still patient with me, and we continued talking to each other.

I didn’t consider him as my friend, I felt like he didn’t deserve to be my friend after everything he’s done to me. But I wanted to start talking to him again, because I didn’t want things to be awkward with us. We study in the same school together, and our school campus is really small, I can’t just avoid him for the rest of my college life. At that time I thought we could be just acquaintances, someone I just… knew. But nothing more than that.

One day I was alone, I didn’t have anyone to eat lunch with. He was the only person I knew who was free, so I texted him. He was surprised, but he said he was okay with lunch. So we met up. We talked. And he noticed I was different. More laid-back and sarcastic… a little bitchy, because I was cursing more often. We talked about everything that’s happened in the last eight months. Apparently he was in Japan, and he bought me something. He showed it to me, but I told him I didn’t want it. He insisted but I said no (or I would have seriously stood up and left). We talked about his ex-girlfriend. He admitted he made a mistake and he was sorry. He said moving on from me wasn’t easy as well (if that was the case, why the hell did he break it off?!), and he thought ending things would make him happier. I just sat there listening to him, because I had nothing (kind) to say. We talked some more until I had to go to class, and he took me there.

To me, that lunch felt like any normal lunch we had together in the past. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t totally angry. To be honest, I thought slowly, we’d be okay with each other again, but only as friends, and nothing more. I thought things were going to be… okay.

But no.

The next day, we had recollection about love and marriage, his was in the morning and mine was in the afternoon. While I was eating breakfast that morning, he miscalled me. I wondered what was going on, so I called him back. I asked what was wrong and it sounded as if, he didn’t want to say it on the phone. I asked if he wanted to meet before my recollection, and he agreed.

We met up and I asked him to say what was going on. He looked nervous and lost for words at first, but I told him to just hurry up and speak. He told me about everything that’s happened in the last few weeks. He told me he saw signs… signs pointing to me and he was confused. During the recollection they had a couples talk, and he realized something. He realised after everything that’s happened, I was the person being patient with him, and he was really grateful for that. He told me how much I’ve changed and he liked that too… then he just said it…

He liked me again.

And I could feel myself just shut down. I knew this was going to happen. I had a huge feeling this was going to happen. I wasn’t feeling happy… quite the opposite actually…

I was feeling dread, and confusion, I just totally blacked out in my head.

It took me a while to snap back to what was happening. Then, as if the emotional side of me just took over, I asked him to hold my hand. In my mind, I knew I was doing an extremely stupid thing, I wanted to slap my self (kill myself actually), but I guenss that side of me just wanted to see if there was still anything when I held his hand… if I still felt something.

He was hesitant at first, because he thought I was going to break his arm, but he held it.

And I felt nothing.

And that was it. I didn’t like him anymore.

Every single happy feeling was finally drained out by all the shit and pain I went through after he ended things.

So while holding his hand, I told him we can’t be together anymore. After everything he put me through, why the hell would I want him back? He didn’t deserve a second chance and he knew that. But he just wanted me to know he liked me again and that he wanted to win me back. I kept discouraging him, but he kept insisting. He gave me a series of hugs before I went to my recollection. I didn’t refuse (as if the emotional side of me decided to take over and give in). He looked like I was in top of the world, and I felt like… well… shit.

Once I entered my recollection room, my mind immediately snapped back in control, and I felt horrible. I wanted to kill myself, because I handled it so stupidly. I shouldn’t have held his hand, I should have pushed him away when he gave me 3 hugs. Right then and there I was ashamed of myself, and I wanted to just drop dead and die. Throughout the entire recollection I was restless. I had no one to talk to, and I needed to tell someone quick. After the recollection I called my friends I told them what happened. One of them gave me a huge sermon as to control myself next time, because I think I just gave him even more motivation to win me back. I knew that honestly, I just wasn’t thinking properly and acted out of impulse. For two weeks, I hated myself. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall.

Took me a long time to cool down, but once I did I managed to start thinking clearly again. If I really wanted him to stop liking me, I needed to be consistent and show that I really didn’t want him back. So I decided to stop talking to him.

He messaged me again after a few days, and I told him straight-out, that we should stop talking for now, because I was busy (which was mostly true, because I had to study for exams). He was sad, but he understood. Two days later, he messages me again, and I started getting really annoyed now at his persistence. I explained to him at that point about how I was feeling really uncomfortable with him sending me sweet pictures (things he would send me when we were still together), and I told him I wanted to give up on me and just move on. I understood that it was going to be hard for him, but if he plans to move on from me eventually, we first need to stop talking to each other. So we did.

Or so I thought.

He still didn’t stop. He sent me a text two days later, and rather than just snapping at him, I ignored the message. I started getting really scared at this point, because I have no idea what he wants to do anymore. I didn’t feel safe when I was with him anymore. I honestly felt like my personal space was being threatened. My friends we scared for me as well, just as much as I was scared for myself. We didn’t talk again for almost a week.

But then one Friday, he messaged me asking to meet up and settle things once and for all (when I thought I gave him all the closure he needed). At that point I just reached my limit and snapped, especially because he texted me right before an important oral exam… which I was already dead nervous. I replied back and told him to meet me and this time and this place. If he didn’t show up in ten minutes, I would leave.

He agreed to it, and we met up after a few hours. Two of my friends were looking out for me ten feet away, because they didn’t want to leave me alone with him (and because I was genuinely scared at this point). I didn’t even stay calm in front of him anymore, I was pretty much screaming at him (and my friends could tell from afar because they could see my large hand movements). I told him that if we both want him to move on from me, we should stop talking to each other. He kept explaining to me again how sorry he was and how many mistakes he had made. But honestly, I was starting to get really tired of all the things he was saying. I told him again, to give up on me and stop talking to me for 6-8 months. He said that was too long, but I said it was either that or I would never talk to him again.

But before I could say more, my friends decided to pull me away. Before I could leave, he stopped me again, and said he wanted to show me something. I followed him out of politeness, and then he asked me if I received a flower from anyone this week (Note: that week was the week people were giving flowers to their crushes and lovers). I immediately knew what he was going to do, and I said no immediately. He kept insisting I keep it anyway, but I continued to turn him down, because I knew that if I did take the flower, I would be giving him hope, and that’s that last thing I want to give him right now. I wanted him to move on, and for that to happen, I have to stop accepting things from him.

He still wouldn’t stop insisting, and at that point I was so mad, I snapped. I felt like my voice was getting louder and I juste topped thinking. I felt like I created a scene in that area, my friends were looking at me (hell the was a guy staring at us from a bench 2 feet away. My friends called me again, and I told him I was leaving.

Of course I felt really bad for turning him down, but I knew it was for the best for both of us. The last thing I needed right then and there was to like him again, and I plan never to like him that way again. He had made it 1000% impossible for us to be together again, and we both have to accept that.

The next day, my friends blocked him for me on Facebook.

A few days later, I met up with my college friends, and I found out, he posted an extremely long post ON FACEBOOK about everything that had happened, from the day he confessed to me again to the day I rejected the flower (which apparently was really expensive). It also said how much of a mess he was. While all my friends said they felt bad for him… I didn’t. I don’t want to sound mean, but as much as I do want to say I feel bad for him, I have lost all capability to feel bad for him. I felt heartless and it didn’t feel good at all. I was pissed, because I felt like my privacy had been disrespected. He didn’t mention any names, sure, but any person who knew the both of us knew he was talking about me. And I felt really disrespected by that post, as if I became the bad guy (which I probably was). After seeing that post, I blocked him on my phone’s contact list.

It’s been almost 2 months now since we haven’t talked. We pass by each other in school, but I just end up looking away. Honestly, I’m fine if he never talks to me again. I feel lonelier, sure, but I definitely do not miss him. I think I’ve moved on pretty much. I have a new crush to admire, and I’m doing okay in school and in life in general. After everything that’s happened between us over the past year, I no longer feel safe with him anymore.

I feel like a terrible person right now. But if I know this will be for the best for the two of us, then so be it, right?

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Every person has a breaking point.

And it feels like I’ve reached mine a long time ago (it just temporarily drains out through the countless breakdowns I’ve had over the past 5 months).

I may be overreacting about all this… but I’ve just had enough.

I’ve had enough with this emotional shit. I’ve had enough of the heartbreak and pain I had to deal with over the last few months. I’ve had enough of remembering and forcing to forget. I’ve had enough with explanations, excuses and promises-turned-to-lies.

I’ve had enough with anxiety attacks. Please tell me how to stop them, because they just hurt so much. I don’t want anymore hyperventilating and uncontrollable shaking. I’m sick of forcing smiles and faking happiness; being angry, frustrated and bitter.

I’m through with dealing with confessions, and men asking if they still have a chance… I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, SO PLEASE STOP BOTHERING ME WHEN I TURN YOU DOWN. I’m through with caring, through with hoping, through with trying to be nice. I’m sick of loving… sick of love…

So sick of fucking love.

I just want to break down again. Breakdown and release all this built-up stress. But for some reason I can’t.

I am afraid of what everything has turned me into. I’m afraid… confused.

Excuse me while I run away to the corners of my hermit cave,

Because I’m sick of feeling, sick of thinking, sick of trying…

And I’ve just had enough.

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Every time I pass by you, every time I accidentally catch a glimpse of you, my mind begins to race, and I start thinking to myself,

Do I really no longer mean anything to you? Am I no longer that special?
Was everything worth it?

Half of me says, Everything he’s said were lies. I was a fool, a stupid idiot.

The other half of me says, But I don’t want to think that way. He made me happy, he made my past few months worth living. 

Sometimes I just can’t help but doubt and hesitate… and it drives me shit crazy. Honestly, I just want to stop thinking about it. Move on, stay friends, and just… be normal.

I’m okay, but sometimes I just don’t know how okay I am.

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So this week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

First I’m laughing, then I’m sad, then I’m frustrated, then I’m angry.

The clashing of emotions is just so strong to a point where I’m not alive anymore. But I’m not dead either. I’m just… there. Standing. Like a motionless zombie… except I don’t want brains….

I want answers.

Not only have I been very emotional, I’ve also been very, very confused.

Without blurting out the obvious, there are just so many questions and decisions in my head that I have to think about, and I need to weigh out the pros and cons of every single f*cking thing, because whatever I decide now might determine what happens next.

Throughout the last 7 days, I’ve been thinking and questioning my actions, seeking advice from my friends (because I can’t trust my family at this point), and all I’ve gotten was….

Nothing.

I’ve thought and thought, and I’ve arrived at no solution… no solution at all.

And at this point I’m just really frustrated. I’m frustrated, and it is playing a huge role on my change of emotions. Hence the constant mood swings.

I don’t want to mention the reasons behind all this right now… but I feel like if I held any of these emotions in any longer, I might as well explode.

I’ll admit, there were points where I just completely broke down from all the stress, worry and anxiety. Although crying does temporarily ease my emotions, it doesn’t change the fact that I still have no clear answer to all I’m going through right now.

Just to simplify how I feel, there are 2 sides of me – the realistic side and the idealistic, hopeful and Disney side – and right now they are in constant battle with each other, and it is damaging my chest. Like literally, it’s putting a huge weight on my chest.

I’ll say it now… It’s hard making decisions. Especially the ones I’m making. There are probably 2 solutions I can think of that will solve my problem, but will bring me to the point of depression and eternal regret. I have a third one, but my friends think it’s just too impulsive… heck, even I think so.

All these solutions, and all the possible consequences of it all… it’s just putting me in more confusion and more uncertainty.

I think I’ve thought about it so much already, I just want to stop everything for a moment, lie down and die for like 5 minutes.

Right now I feel like an emotional piece of crap, and I’m not proud of it.

People think that the decisions I have to make now are so simple to do, but honestly, it’s killing me more than they think. They think I’ll move on after all this decision making, but they will never understand the shit load of pain that I’ll feel afterwards.

No one will ever understand what I’m going through now, and I can’t trust anyone with the emotional baggage I’m carrying.

And and might I add before I conclude…

While I am trying to keep peace and order within myself, I am also experiencing unwanted paranoia and anxiety over something I shouldn’t really be dwelling on (but I can’t control it and I can’t help it), and it is killing my stomach and affecting my eating habits. And all I can say about this is…

It hurts. I really, really hurts. Every time I think about it. It just hurts like hell, and I don’t understand.

With everything that’s going on with me right now, I’m surprised I can still focus on schoolwork.

46776Picture from Google Images

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