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Posts Tagged ‘care’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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I miss him.

Call me stupid. Call me an idiot. Call me whatever you want…

But after the emotional buildups and the dozens of breakdowns, I’ve realized that it’s better to accept what I’m really feeling, rather than denying them and forcing myself to feel otherwise.

Yes, I miss him.

It’s been 4 months since he decided to end things between us, and emotionally invest himself on another girl. To most people I know, four months would be enough time to move on; however, I’m still in the process of healing.

It’s not easy, I’ll admit. There are days when I’m feeling good, and things will go my way. But there are other moments when I’m in the mood for deep reflection, and eventually I begin to swirl into a pool of depression. Not to mention that I see him almost everyday (most of the time with his new girl) in school; I don’t have a choice since we have class in the same building (on the same floor, at the same time). This makes the process of moving on much harder for me, and with the summer break coming, I’m hoping I will improve after three full months of avoiding his presence.

The last fews months haven’t been complete torture though. I find comfort in the company of my very close friends and family. Right now, they make me the happiest, because they show that they care and worry for my well-being. I can’t thank them enough for everything they’ve done for me over the last few months, and sometimes I think to myself, “Why can’t I just be grateful for the people around me, and move on?!”

I love my friends and family, don’t get me wrong. But there are just those moments when you need the company of only certain people, or else you’ll feel lonely. Despite, having so many people who care for me all around me, I still feel that sense of loneliness. And right now, I don’t want the company of acquaintances, or the company of my parents…

I want his company. I want to be with him. I need him.

And just hearing myself say that makes me want to slap myself, because I’m not supposed to want him, I’m supposed to be moving on from him.

But it’s true. Until now, I still look for him when I’m alone in school. Whenever I feel lonely, and I don’t know what to do, the first person that would pop into my mind when I need company is him, because I knew he would always come when I needed him. Takes me five seconds to then realize and tell myself, “Oh no wait, he’s busy cuddling with his new girl.”, and that makes me feel even lonelier than I already do.

Recently I’ve started listening to Ed Sheeran’s songs, because he would always play them when we were together. At times they do depress me, but other times they give me a sense of nostalgia and slight happiness.

There are so many things I want to tell him, but I know I just can’t. A few days ago I said the same thing to a friend of mine, and he replied, “Why don’t you just talk to him then?”

True, I can always start talking to him whenever I want to. I can just send a text, and the next thing you know, we’re back to being good buddies again.

But that’s not the case. As much as I do want to talk to him, it still hurts me when I see his face. And this is just seeing his face… what more if I start talking to him? There have been numerous occasions where I’d break down right after he sends me chat messages, and it just shows how unstable I still am at this point.

Whether I ignore him or talk to him, I feel pain either way.

I miss him, and I’m not going to deny it anymore. I feel much lighter after admitting it to myself, but at the same time, I can still feel small pangs of pain hitting my chest.

At this point, all I can say is… I need him. I want to talk to him, but I can’t. Things will never be the same again, and yet I don’t know if I even want him back.

There are a number of things I am pretty sure of though: I know he doesn’t feel the same way.

He doesn’t miss me, I’m not the girl he looks for in school, and he will never, ever want me back. He will never find it in his heart to truly listen to what I feel, and comfort me afterwards. I will never get to hold his hand or give him warm hugs. I just have to accept that things have changed, and I seriously need to move on.

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  1. I miss you, so damn much.
  2. I miss holding your hand.
  3. I miss your hugs.
  4. I never wanted you to let go.
  5. I want to talk to you again, but it hurts just to see your face.
  6. Yes, I was jealous (happy?).
  7. I cared for you even when I called you a jerk that time.
  8. You f*cking asshole.
  9. I know I don’t show enough emotion, but I liked you very, very much.
  10. I hope you realized what you’ve done.
  11. Subconsciously, you were the reason I look forward to going to school everyday.
  12. It hurts… so much.
  13. I still look for you whenever I’m alone in school.
  14. I feel so much lonelier without you.
  15. You made me so, so happy.
  16. I hope you believe in karma.
  17. I thought you were fine just the way you are, and I didn’t ask for anything more.
  18. I miss leaning on your shoulder.
  19. I never realized how important you were to me until you left.
  20. I don’t care how f*cked up you say your mind is, I still liked you, okay?!
  21. I wanted you to be one of my best friends.
  22. I wish you still cared.
  23. Yes, I am aware you still exist, so please pass anywhere except in front of me.
  24. I hope you realized I wanted you to talk to me, even in your lowest of times.
  25. I don’t care if you’re afraid to hurt me, that won’t stop me from trying to help you.
  26. I opened up to you, even when you thought I didn’t open up enough.
  27. I miss leaning on your shoulder.
  28. I miss our weekly lunches.
  29. Silence was never awkward with you.
  30. I miss watching the stars with you.
  31. I wish we had more moments when we listened to each other’s music.
  32. I bought new chucks (still black).
  33. Yes, I do hate cheesy, but that doesn’t mean I wanted you to stop being cheesy.
  34. I wish we could have slow danced.
  35. I wanted to do something special on your birthday.
  36. You told me I should change, but just to let you know, I’m fine the way I am.
  37. If you liked me enough, you would have been patient and stayed, but no.
  38. I am an emotional bag of shit right now.
  39. You treated me special, and I loved every single moment of it.
  40. No, I don’t (think I) want you back (okay I don’t know if I want you back).
  41. I still remember every single small memory that we’ve had together.
  42. I still have no idea what to do with the fake sapphire.
  43. I know how to spell your name in Japanese.
  44. Until now, I still cared for you, even though I want to stop.
  45. There are so many stories I want to tell you.
  46. There were so many memories a wanted to share with you.
  47. I didn’t want it to end.

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So it’s Valentine’s Day on my end of the world, and honestly… I just want this day to be over with.

I didn’t want to go to school today… because the last thing I wanted to be right now was alone… surrounded by roses and couples… holding hands… probably smooching…

And I guess it’s only normal that I react so bitterly this year… I just had my heart broken four months ago by a guy who studies in the same school. What’s worse is that Valentine’s Day is also his birthday, and the things I was hoping I’d do for him… well, I won’t be able to do for him anymore, because the sight of him angers and hurts me. The pain is still pretty fresh, and seeing him around campus with the girl he left me for is just going to make things even worse on my part. And I don’t want to feel as bad as I already do.

Cutting all my classes was a very, very tempting decision, but everyone told me to stop thinking that way; moreover, I had things to do in school. So I guess I had no choice but to go.

In my opinion, the stay in school was… quite terrible, but bearable. I left school at the end of the day, tired, exhausted, and just depressed.

Honestly, the best part of the day was going home, because at least I am the most comfortable alone when I’m at home.

I thought that as soon as I got home, I would just go straight to my room, lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling for the next 30 minutes, and sob myself to sleep… but no.

When I arrived, I saw that the kitchen table was full of bouquets of flowers, and my mom came to me and said, “look for yours.” I was honestly really shocked, because I initially thought all those bouquets were for my mom from my dad. I approached the counter top, and immediately saw my bouquet neatly and beautifully wrapped in blue and orange. Stuck to it was a card in the shape of a heart that said,

To: Olivia
HAPPY VALENTINES!
Fr: PAPA+MAMA

I just stood in front of it in silence, but I could feel the overwhelming emotion rising up my chest and the tears forcing itself to stream out of my eyes. I was smiling on the inside, because this was the largest bouquet anyone has ever given me in my entire life! And I know it was given by the two people who mean the most to me.

Everyone says that Valentine’s day is not only a day to express your love for your significant others, it is also a day to express your love to your family and friends.

I constantly remind myself, that although I have been unlucky in terms of finding romantic love, I am very, very blessed to be truly loved and cared for by my family and best friends. And that’s all that really matters to me right now.

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