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Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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Every person has a breaking point.

And it feels like I’ve reached mine a long time ago (it just temporarily drains out through the countless breakdowns I’ve had over the past 5 months).

I may be overreacting about all this… but I’ve just had enough.

I’ve had enough with this emotional shit. I’ve had enough of the heartbreak and pain I had to deal with over the last few months. I’ve had enough of remembering and forcing to forget. I’ve had enough with explanations, excuses and promises-turned-to-lies.

I’ve had enough with anxiety attacks. Please tell me how to stop them, because they just hurt so much. I don’t want anymore hyperventilating and uncontrollable shaking. I’m sick of forcing smiles and faking happiness; being angry, frustrated and bitter.

I’m through with dealing with confessions, and men asking if they still have a chance… I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, SO PLEASE STOP BOTHERING ME WHEN I TURN YOU DOWN. I’m through with caring, through with hoping, through with trying to be nice. I’m sick of loving… sick of love…

So sick of fucking love.

I just want to break down again. Breakdown and release all this built-up stress. But for some reason I can’t.

I am afraid of what everything has turned me into. I’m afraid… confused.

Excuse me while I run away to the corners of my hermit cave,

Because I’m sick of feeling, sick of thinking, sick of trying…

And I’ve just had enough.

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I don’t want to be the type of girl who holds on to feelings for people who no longer care, but right now it seems like my emotions will always get the better of me.

This afternoon, I was at the study hall doing on a project with some of my college friends. I was working on my laptop when suddenly, as I looked up, I saw him and his new girl lining up for the printing services.

It was a terrible position to be in, because I was right in front of them, and the only thing separating me from them was a clear glass wall. 

I told my friends that he was right there; they tried to calm me down and told me to look away, which I did. I did everything possible to distract myself. I forced myself to stare at my laptop screen, or I tried contributing ideas to our group project. When I would turn to talk to my friends, I’d place my hand over my forehead and pretend to massage my temples, just so I can avoid seeing them.

Despite all my efforts, I couldn’t calm down. When I noticed how close they were to each other, something (like a huge wave of emotion) started rushing up my throat. My stomach was swarming with butterflies, I was starting to hyperventilate, the tips of my fingers were freezing cold and my entire body (especially my hands) started shaking uncontrollably. I’m pretty sure I was having another anxiety attack.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I stood up and told my friends I needed to step out and take a walk; one of my friends decided to keep me company. I rushed out the door, went down, and sat on the bottom steps of the study hall.

My friend tried her best to distract me by changing the topic, and I tried getting into the conversation. However, I was still shaken from everything that had just happened. My eyes started feeling tired, and I began feeling slightly light-headed. Eventually, I bowed my head, hugged my knees and started taking deep, heavy breaths to calm myself down. My friend sat silently beside me, patting my back every now and then.

After what felt like 10 minutes, I decided to head back up. The shaking didn’t stop, but it wasn’t as bad as it was. He and the girl were still there when my friend and I went back, but I just looked away as I walked pass them and back to my table.

After twenty more minutes at the printing station, they left.

I need to let go. I really don’t want to hold on to these emotions, and I admit I still have a strong grip on them. People think I should have moved on from this by now, but this anxiety attack just shows that I am definitely not ready to approach him or be in the same room/area as him (as much as I want things to be back to normal again). I honestly don’t know when the “right time” will be, but it’s definitely not going to be any time in the near future.

I’m very glad that today was the last day of regular classes for the semester, because that means I won’t have to see him for the next three months of summer break. I’ll need this time to heal properly, without worrying every single day whether I will bump into him or not.

Sure, I miss him a lot…

But right now, the farther we stay apart from each other, the better I’ll probably be.

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So this week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

First I’m laughing, then I’m sad, then I’m frustrated, then I’m angry.

The clashing of emotions is just so strong to a point where I’m not alive anymore. But I’m not dead either. I’m just… there. Standing. Like a motionless zombie… except I don’t want brains….

I want answers.

Not only have I been very emotional, I’ve also been very, very confused.

Without blurting out the obvious, there are just so many questions and decisions in my head that I have to think about, and I need to weigh out the pros and cons of every single f*cking thing, because whatever I decide now might determine what happens next.

Throughout the last 7 days, I’ve been thinking and questioning my actions, seeking advice from my friends (because I can’t trust my family at this point), and all I’ve gotten was….

Nothing.

I’ve thought and thought, and I’ve arrived at no solution… no solution at all.

And at this point I’m just really frustrated. I’m frustrated, and it is playing a huge role on my change of emotions. Hence the constant mood swings.

I don’t want to mention the reasons behind all this right now… but I feel like if I held any of these emotions in any longer, I might as well explode.

I’ll admit, there were points where I just completely broke down from all the stress, worry and anxiety. Although crying does temporarily ease my emotions, it doesn’t change the fact that I still have no clear answer to all I’m going through right now.

Just to simplify how I feel, there are 2 sides of me – the realistic side and the idealistic, hopeful and Disney side – and right now they are in constant battle with each other, and it is damaging my chest. Like literally, it’s putting a huge weight on my chest.

I’ll say it now… It’s hard making decisions. Especially the ones I’m making. There are probably 2 solutions I can think of that will solve my problem, but will bring me to the point of depression and eternal regret. I have a third one, but my friends think it’s just too impulsive… heck, even I think so.

All these solutions, and all the possible consequences of it all… it’s just putting me in more confusion and more uncertainty.

I think I’ve thought about it so much already, I just want to stop everything for a moment, lie down and die for like 5 minutes.

Right now I feel like an emotional piece of crap, and I’m not proud of it.

People think that the decisions I have to make now are so simple to do, but honestly, it’s killing me more than they think. They think I’ll move on after all this decision making, but they will never understand the shit load of pain that I’ll feel afterwards.

No one will ever understand what I’m going through now, and I can’t trust anyone with the emotional baggage I’m carrying.

And and might I add before I conclude…

While I am trying to keep peace and order within myself, I am also experiencing unwanted paranoia and anxiety over something I shouldn’t really be dwelling on (but I can’t control it and I can’t help it), and it is killing my stomach and affecting my eating habits. And all I can say about this is…

It hurts. I really, really hurts. Every time I think about it. It just hurts like hell, and I don’t understand.

With everything that’s going on with me right now, I’m surprised I can still focus on schoolwork.

46776Picture from Google Images

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