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Archive for the ‘Self’ Category

While looking through my old drawings, I came across something that made me remember an experience that happened a long time ago.

My cousin and I were really close, we’re practically inseparable. But one day when I was 12, she stopped talking to me, and I had no idea why. It hurt me, because it felt like I lost a best friend. In my sadness, I sat in my mother’s desktop, opened Microsoft word, and started typing everything that I felt about the whole issue. I remembered crying really hard while typing it. I printed the document, left it on the work table, and I walked away.

A few days later in school, my cousin approached me and gave me a brown envelope creatively decorated and addressed to me. Though her action confused me, I was happy, because it was the first time she’d spoken to me in the last few weeks. When I went home, I opened the letter and inside was a couple of index cards with short anecdotes and a long letter. I skipped the index cards and went straight to the paper.

In a nutshell, she expressed how upset she was over me, because I had the tendency to say insulting things to her without realizing it, and I unintentionally hurt her. But she learned to remain patient with me, and apologized. I started crying after reading this letter, because I was relieved that she still wanted to remain friends with me. Of course, I wondered why she decided to make this letter all of a sudden The next time we met, she began talking to me again, and it turned out that my mother came across my document on the table, called my cousin and read the letter to her.

My cousin and I are still really close friends until this day, but reading her letter made me realize that I needed to be careful of what I was saying.

This wasn’t the only instance, when I hadn’t realized what I was saying. A lot of my friends had pointed out my tendency to sound insensitive, because of the things I say. It’s probably because of this, hardly any of my friends approach me for life advice. I believe that I’m a very straightforward person, and it really hurt and confused me to know that my friends thought of me as insensitive.

This experience really affected the way I interact with people nowadays. I’ll be honest, after knowing that, My self-confidence dropped close to zero. I became much quieter, and I wouldn’t talk unless someone genuinely wanted my opinion on something. But some good came out of it as well. Now that I’m aware of my tendency to sound insensitive, I make it a point to be more careful with the things I say to others.

Finding that letter that came from my cousin, got me reflecting on how the smallest experiences can change the way we behave in the future, and I do believe that this experience really changed me as a person. I can’t say that it changed me for the worst, I also believe that it has also taught me to become a better person.

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A Dream

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that felt so real.

I was sitting on a lazy boy chair reading a book. Q comes up to me from behind the chair, and we talk for a while. he’d mention things to me, and I’d reply while switching my gaze back to my book every now and then. It was just a casual conversation, about random topics I don’t remember anymore. It felt like a normal conversation between two friends.

“Hey I need to go now…” he says.

I look up to him, I smile and say “okay.”, as if I wasn’t disappointed with what he said to me (when usually I would be).

He straightened his back, and said “I’ll see you then.” All of a sudden, he turns my lazy boy chair around, places his hands on both sides of my cheeks, and lands a quick kiss on my lips. Then he leaves.

It takes me 5 seconds to realize what he did, and I try and reach to him and stammer, “wait!”

He turns around, and walks back to me. He bends down and places his hands on both sides of the lazy boy arm chair.

I stare at him, still confused. I felt my heart beating fast… so it was ready to jump out of my mouth. As much as I wanted to contain it, I couldn’t help but smile from extreme happiness. It takes me a while to collect my thoughts. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but all I could manage to say was, “…why?”.

He walks beside me, and sits on his heels, so he is the same level as me. He takes my hands in his, looks at me, and says, “I… I just felt like it.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, and he laughs too. Then he places his hands on my cheeks again and pulls me in for another kiss…

Next thing I know, my alarm rings and I’m lying down on my bed.

For a moment I actually thought it happened. I felt so light and so happy when I woke up, I was smiling to myself. But it took a while for reality to sink in, and tell me It was all a dream, honey.

Some dreams can feel so real, you actually believe they have happened. It has been a long time since I’ve had a dream that felt like that. For a second I actually believed Q kissed me, and said all those things to me, even I was surprised. For a while, I felt really happy and light. but when you realize it’s just a dream, especially if it felt this good, you can’t help but be disappointed. But in the end, you just have to learn learn to live with it… live with the “What ifs”.

Later that day, I went wall climbing with Q, and I acted as if that dream didn’t bother me at all.

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Remember the guy who left me for another girl?

Just so I don’t get tired of referring to him as “the guy who left me for another girl”, I’ll call him Y.

The second to the last thing I heard from a friend of mine was that Y had a new girlfriend, which doesn’t affect me at all (except for the fact that while he has a girlfriend, I’m still praying to the gods of love that my crush likes me back). I guess you can say I’m happy for him? Well I’m not happy for him, but I’m not sad either. I just don’t care, honestly.

A few days ago, I was catching up with one of Y’s friends, and he told me that Y made another “creepy” post about me on Facebook. Before I read the post all I could think was, “Dude, you have a girlfriend, why make a post about… someone who is not your girlfriend?!”. Then when his friend showed me the post, it didn’t sound creepy at all.

He used to call me the sun, while he was the moon (which when I think about it now, it sounds ridiculously cheesy and stupid). The moment I saw that sun and moon metaphor in the post, I was 90% sure he was talking about me, and like I said, it wasn’t as creepy as I thought it would be. From what I understood from the post, he was just talking about how he suddenly missed me, and hopes that I am happy, and pretty much he’s just saying that he is finally moving on.

(Whether that post was about me or not) When I read the post, I didn’t really feel anything. My anxiety didn’t act up, but I didn’t feel all light and bubbly inside either. All I did was stare at my laptop screen, and tell myself, “…okay.” And I guess this reaction pretty much tells me that I’ve completely moved on from what had happened more than a year ago.

When I look back at what he did to me, it was definitely painful, and I’m still having a hard time forgiving him for it. Maybe I did love him, because if I didn’t it wouldn’t have taken me more than 8 months to bring back my self-confidence and finally move on. No guy has ever shattered me in this way. I cared for him… I cared for him so much, I wanted to help him, but he didn’t let me. I’ll admit, I think about how much he hurt me, almost every week. But just because I dwell on it, doesn’t mean I’m not over it. Now, I no longer give a damn. I’ve lost all capacity to even care about what he does with his life. All I can do is wish him good luck.

Just this morning I was talking to another friend of Y about this, and after I told him about Y’s Facebook post, he asked me, “Can you talk to him? Are you ready to talk to him?”. When he asked me that, I couldn’t give a definite yes or no. The last time I attempted to talk to him, he fell for me again, and I don’t want that to happen again. I still have my apprehensions about talking to him. I did consider talking to him again (since it’s been more than half a year since the last time we’ve talked), but after reading his recent post, I told his friend that it’s best that I don’t talk to him, especially since he has a girlfriend now. I don’t plan on unblocking him on my Facebook or phone, I think it’s best if I keep things the way it is.

I don’t know if he still reads my WordPress (and I pray to God that he doesn’t or I’ll be genuinely scared for my life). In his Facebook post, he hopes that I am happy, and am I happy? Well, I can’t say I’m extremely happy. I have my moments of anxiety and depression, because of school and other things (and they have been more frequent since the day he left me for another girl), but I can say that I am definitely better than I was more than a year ago.

I’m single, chasing after my crush who probably doesn’t like me the way I like him, and it’s okay… I’m okay, and that’s all that matters right now.

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There are times it becomes frustrating when I’m talking to Q, because I’m always starting our conversations. Sometimes it makes me think that Q is not really interested in keeping up a conversation with me, or not even interested in talking to me at all. Q may be an extroverted guy, but he hardly starts conversations. Lately I’ve been starting 90% of them and sometimes it gets really tiring.

But despite starting most of our conversations, I appreciate how he tries to keep a conversation with me. Although there are times when our text and chat conversations end short, there are also times when we have chat conversations that can last until we run out of things to say to each other, which can usually last 30 minutes at longest.

Yesterday, I started a conversation with him, because I was bored in class, and I started with asking a question about his oral exam. At first I didn’t think he would reply (because he didn’t always reply to my messages, unless he probably finds them important to him), but a few minutes later he replied, and we started having a conversation through text. He asked me if I wanted to go to a party he was organizing, and I said I would think about it. In the end I decided not to go to the party, so I let him know the next day through text. After an hour, he still didn’t reply, so I just assumed that Q didn’t really care.

Instead of going to the party, I went out with my best friend, and we spied on our brothers, who were invited to the junior prom of our old high school. I was busy talking to my friend, when suddenly I felt my phone vibrate, and when I checked it, I had received a message from Q.

I opened the message, and he said that it was okay, and they had to start setting up for the party. I wished him good luck, and told him I was spying on my brother at the prom. Then a few minutes later, he replied asking if the prom of my old high school was today. I said yes and we began texting each other for a couple of minutes. I was asking him if he was invited to our school prom when we were juniors in high school, and he would ask me the details of this year’s prom. When I thought the conversation was over, I told him to go back to setting up the party, and wished him good luck again.

At that point, I thought he would just reply, “Okay, thanks!”, but when I received his text message and opened it, he said that it was his “chill time” and started asking me about who my prom date was back in high school. When he said this, I realized that he was also making the effort to talk to me, and I just felt really happy (my best friend told me I was smiling). We continued texting each other for a few more minutes, and then after sending him a text, he stopped replying, probably because he went back to setting up for the party.

I thought he wouldn’t reply after I sent him that last text, but when I woke up the next morning, I checked my phone and saw that he replied to my message. We were texting each other non-stop for almost 4 days. It would take him hours to reply to my text, but I was surprised he’d reply to me anyway. he would even ask me more questions.

I’m not used to starting conversations, in fear that I might come off as annoying or flirty. When I started conversations with Q, I was always scared he would just ignore me, like he did before when he would stop replying right after I’d ask him about another topic. But lately he’s been replying to all my messages, until we had nothing left to say to each other, and I guess you can call that progress in our friendship.

I still start conversations with Q most of the time, because I like talking to him and because I want to get to know him more. I want him to open up to me, just as I am willing to open up to him. If starting the conversation is the only way to let him feel more comfortable with me, then so be it, because damn it, I like this guy and I want to get closer to him.

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Something happened a few days ago, and it’s still hard to believe that it actually happened. But whether it might have happened or not, I felt over the moon. happy and excited, but scared and unsure at the same time.

I met up with my crush, Q, so I could give him some DVD’s to watch. We met up near the faculty area where I was going to submit an assignment. One of my college club mates walked me there, and I couldn’t stop telling him about how nervous I was with the though of being alone with Q, but he told me to just chill and enjoy it.

My friend and I parted ways and when I saw Q standing outside the faculty room, he looked pretty classy and charming in a checkered polo shirt and jeans. I suddenly got self-conscious, because I decided to wear my new skort that day. He saw me, and we said “hi”. I told him to give me a minute, so I could submit my assignment in the faculty room, and he told me to take my time.

After I submitted my assignment, I went back out to see him, and I said that I left the DVD’s in my club room, so we walked there. While we were walking, every now and then we’d talk and when we were close enough, we’d accidentally brush shoulders. When we arrived at the club room, the friend, who walked with me, noticed I came in ,and he gave me a smirk. I introduced Q to the club and then I got the DVD’s and we left.

We decided to sit on a stone bench nearby. We sat down, and I gave him the DVD’s. We talked for a while, but nothing deep. Every now and then I would move closer to him to the point where we’d be brushing shoulders again, and he didn’t seem to mind. After a few minutes of talking, he thanked me for the DVD’s, and told me he had to leave. But just before he left he stood up, kissed my head and just left in a rush.

It took me three seconds to realize what he just did, and my heart began racing like crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it throughout the entire day. He texted me a few minutes later apologizing for leaving in a hurry, and thanking me again for the DVD’s.

At first I though it was just Q’s way of say “hello”, “thank you” or “goodbye” to his close girl friends, but when I told my best friend (who is Q’s close friend as well) about it, she also freaked out. She wanted to know more details, so she asked her other friend (who was also close to Q) to ask Q about it. The next day, she told me, that Q wasn’t making anything clear so my best friend said it’s best to just brush it off.

You how the more you think about something, the less believable it gets?

The more I think about that kiss on the head, the more unreal it felt. Until now, I still question myself whether I was hallucinating or not. Did Q really kiss my head or did something else (that made a kissing sound when it fell) hit my head that came from the trees above? I know one thing though… it definitely wasn’t his hand patting my head.

Sometimes when I think about it, I can’t help but smile. And other times, it scares me to the bone.

The thought of possibly having a relationship after coming from a failed almost-relationship scares me sometimes, because God knows what could happen.

I realize now that I like Q. It’s definitely more than a crush. For now, I’m just going to brush this thing aside, but if he does do anything again in the future, I’m definitely going to start interrogating him.

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Over the Christmas break, my best friend messaged me on the Line app, and told me that Q was giving me a sketchbook.

At that time, I was extremely confused, because Q was out of the country, and I didn’t consider myself close enough with Q for him to give me anything from abroad. But that was exactly what he was doing…

He was buying me a souvenir from abroad… and a sketchbook, might I add.

I noticed that Q was very interested in my notebook drawings. Back when we were classmates in one of our classes, I would bring out my drawing notebook every now and then, and doodle. Q would notice them, commenting on how nice it was and all. I would just smile and thank him.

I was surprised, and even my best friend was surprised. Of course I was happy, because I secretly liked him. And of course who wouldn’t be over the moon, after finding out your crush buys you something he thinks you will like?

I felt bad, because it never crossed my mind to buy him anything from abroad. I was going to Japan that Christmas, so I decided to buy him something from there. At first I was hesitating whether I should buy him something or not. Only my closest friends knew I had a crush on him, so getting him something from abroad might make even more people assume that he was important to me. In the end, I got him chopsticks just like I did for my other friends, just so it wasn’t obvious that I found him just a little more special then the rest. But it wasn’t like I just picked any random pair of chopsticks from the store. It had a feminine design, with masculine colors, because there was a running joke in our group that Q was starting to become “one of the girls”.

When class started again, I couldn’t find the right time to give him the chopsticks, because he was always with his friends, and I didn’t want to give it in front his friends, because they might get suspicious of me.

The right time came when we went to my best friend’s house two days ago to study for an exam. We were preparing our notes, when he took something out of his bag and handed it to me. Although I knew he was going to give me a sketchbook, I didn’t expect the sketchbook to look so nice! It was hardbound, and the cover was made of fake dark blue leather. It wasn’t just a regular blank notebook. On the front page it said “One Sketch A Day: A Visual Journal”. It was a drawing notebook that would help me track down my drawing progress in a span of 365 days. On the outside I was thanking him and being my usual sarcastic self, but on the inside, I was bursting with joy.

This also gave me the chance to give him my souvenir. I gave him the chopsticks, and one of the first things he said was, “Cool, I have another pair of chopsticks I can eat my Cheetos with.” I could tell he was happy too.

I still haven’t touched the sketchbook Q gave me. I mean it’s so nice I don’t even want to use it. But I plan to eventually, because it was a souvenir from him. The the fact that he thought of me while he was abroad makes me so happy and touched. I only see Q as a friend and nothing more (and I’m pretty sure he only sees me that way too), but he just makes extremely happy.

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Just Laugh

Ever since I knew his name and face, I promised myself that I would never, ever have a crush on him.

I was wrong.

Just so we don’t get confused, let’s call this guy Q.

Q was a pretty popular guy. How could I tell? My mom knew his name and face before I did. I actually knew who he was, because of the number of times my mom mentioned him. The first time I saw his face, I thought, “He’s not very good looking.” One time I saw him in a party, he was always paired up with a girl who happened to be one of the popular girls back when I was in high school, and all I could do was roll my eyes and look the other way. A few months later, I found out that Q and the girl got together.

Every time I saw him (often with his girlfriend) I thought, “He’s so proud. Why do people even like him, he’s not even handsome?” I didn’t like him because he often hung out with the popular crowd – a crowd I never wanted to associate myself to. It comprised of the popular girls from my high school and the popular guys from the high school across my high school. I promised myself I’d never be friends with someone like Q

A year and a half after I knew his name and face, he became really close friends with my best friend. I didn’t mind it at first. So long as I wasn’t friends with him, I was still okay.

A year after he met my best friend, I was formally introduced to him.

I never ever thought I was ever going to be introduced to him. My best friend and I became classmates in two of our classes eight months ago. A few days before class started, she told me Q was also going to be our classmate. Of course when she said that, I acted normally, telling her it was alright. But the day before class started I was having a mild social anxiety attack, from the fear that my best friend would leave me and talk to him for 2/3 of the semester.

The first day of classes came and I entered my classroom. My best friend and Q were already sitting down, I sat on the chair beside my best friends. She introduced me to Q, who reached out his hand to me and said “Nice to meet you.” A little stunned it took me a while to shake his hand and say “hi.”

The moment he said those four words to me, I realized, he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. Days and weeks passed, and I got to know him more. I spent more time with him and my best friend. Of course in the first few weeks, his presence kind of annoyed me. But as time passed, we both became more comfortable with each other and I now talk to him the same way I talk to my best friend.

I found out from my best friend that Q broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks before the semester started, and I was surprised, because they were considered a power couple in our college. So now he is single (as far as I know). His relationship status didn’t really matter to me, because even after being friends with Q, I promised myself I would never, ever have a crush on him.

That all changed when the second semester arrived.

My best friend invited me to an event, and when I arrived early at the venue, I bumped into Q who happened to be invited as well. It was a semi-formal event, so it was the first time Q saw me in a dress (he was so surprised he said to me sarcastically, “I’m not used to seeing you without your pants.”). We were alone for 5 minutes until my best friend finally arrived. It was a weird being alone with him, because whenever I’m with him, my best friend would always be there too. It was weird, but for some reason it felt nice being alone with him. The night went on as usual – all my other friends arrived, we ate dinner, the program started, we laughed, and all – then we began asking each other what time we’d be going home. Q asked me what time I was going home, and I told him I was going to leave sometime before midnight. Then he replied, “Okay, I’ll go home the same time as you.” At first I didn’t believe him, because he had other closer friends in the party. But when it was time for me to leave, he left too, which surprised me. We went down together to the lobby, and we were alone again for a few minutes while waiting for my parents to pick me up. We talked a little until my car finally arrived, I told him I had to go, and he said he had to go too, but I didn’t see his car. He noticed I was confused and said, “Oh, my car was there the whole time, I was just waiting for you to leave.” We said our goodbyes and I left in my car.

At the end of the night, I realized I was smiling uncontrollably.

And that’s when I knew… I had a crush on Q.

I told my best friend a few days later, and she just laughed.

We’re still friends until now. We’re no longer classmates, but Q, my best friend and I still study and hang out together.

It’s funny because 3 years ago, when I knew his face and name, I promised myself I’d never have a crush on a guy like Q, but the more I got to know him, I realized he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. All I can say to myself now is, “Shit, what did I get myself into?”

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