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Archive for the ‘Romance’ Category

I liked a guy when I was in freshmen year, let’s call him Yume.

As weird as this sounds, I will never forget the first time we met. I was first briefly introduced to him by my English classmate, and I didn’t really care who he was at that time.

Then the second time we met, I was sitting on a bench one night waiting for my parents to pick me up from school. It was raining (I think), and he passed by me while carrying some equipment (for his school organization, I assumed). He saw me, I saw him, and we immediately recognized each others’ faces. Yume saw I was playing Pokemon Black on my pink DS Lite, and he started talking to me about Pokemon until I had to leave a minute later. As soon as I got into my car, I remember feeling glad, because I believed that I made a new friend. That night, he followed me on almost all my social media accounts.

We started talking online more frequently, I found out that he played Pokemon, and we shared the same interests. Every now and then, he would link me songs (he was a musician) , and they were really nice songs. And every morning before my English class, we would say “hi” to each other along the hallway, because his first period classroom was next to mine. The more we interacted, the closer we became, and the more I began to realize that I was starting to like Yume.

He was my second college crush (the first one turned out to be a creep), and I liked him… quite a lot. But when my parents found out, they didn’t like it (for reasons too complicated to explain), and they told me to get over him. After they told me that, I became conflicted and confused; sometimes I even cried about it. I continued talking to Yume regardless, because he was my friend first and foremost, and he was still fun to talk to.

Over time, I eventually got over him, and I never told him I liked him. Our online chats became less frequent, and we only sometimes saw each other in school. But we still remained really good friends. He still sent me songs, talked about Pokemon, and if he had girl troubles sometimes he would confide with me. When I wanted to fangirl, I sometimes would message him. When one of his friends – that I liked after Yume – left me for another girl, he would try his best to comfort me. All was good and I was happy.


One night, on the second semester of my Junior year, he messaged me online to ask me if I was free to see one of his gigs. Unfortunately, I told him no, because I was working on my final school requirements. Then he said, “Too bad, you won’t be able to hear your song”. At first I didn’t know what he meant, then he explained: He wrote a song about me… well about my name… during our freshmen year. He admitted that he had a crush on me back then.

Normally when guys dedicate things to me, I would be disgusted and creeped out, but for some reason, when he told me that, I was happy. Not like Oh my god, I love you happy, but Aw, I’m flattered happy. I didn’t see the point of hiding it, so in return I also admitted that I liked him in freshmen year too. For a brief moment, he sounded quite frustrated, but we both agreed that we were happy to have remained good friends.


On my first semester of Senior year, things started to change. We started hanging out more, especially since we started meeting up every morning before my first period.

Yume and I were with our org mates one day, and I was telling him about my recent crush. I told him that my crush was not paying attention to me, then Yume replied, “Maybe you should have a crush on me again haha…” I laughed a little to that, thinking that he meant it as a joke, but after a while, it made me wonder why he said it. It bothered me for a couple of days.

We started chatting more often again, and aside from topics about Pokemon, we started talking about more profound topics… like… life. And I’ll admit, it was nice, because I liked deep conversation. It was my thesis year, so when I had problems, he would insist on helping me. When I had to walk to my classes from the org room, he would escort me. And at first I saw these as things a friend like Yume would do, and it was nice.


It was the day of my first thesis defense, and I was extremely nervous. The night before I told him how nervous I was, and he asked if I wanted to see him before my defense. I said yes, and we met up the next morning. I stayed with him before my presentation. We moved to the school library, and we were sitting on one of the couches. At one point, I was terribly scared, I started shaking and having anxiety attacks. He noticed and after a few minutes, he hugged me and I allowed myself to lean on his shoulder. It felt nice. It felt warm. It felt… safe. And I liked it. When it was time for him to leave, he wished me good luck in the defense. After the defense, he was the first person I texted.

After that day, we continued chatting and meeting up in school, and the more frequent the chatting and the hangouts became, the more I was beginning to realize that I was starting to like Yume… again.

We eventually became a little more physically intimate after that, and I don’t mean kissing or holding hands. Sometimes I would rest my head on his shoulder, sometimes he would rest his head on my… head (because I was shorter, duh). I even noticed that he’d hesitantly rest his hand on my hip, then after a while he’d pull away (it felt creepy, but nice at the same time). We never talked about it, really. We just let it happen. And if neither of us complained, I assumed everything was fine.


My anxiety worsened over the semester, and I’d sometimes tell him about it. One night, I had a breakdown, and I asked if I could see him before my first class the next day. I met up with him, and all I wanted to do was lean on him and cry. We sat down in an quiet area in school, and we just stayed there. I told him I was sorry for crying, and he admitted that hearing me cry and talk ruined his mood for the rest of the day. After that I wondered if I was starting to become a burden to him.

He stopped talking to me for almost 3 weeks after that. He’d cut our online conversations short, and he made less of an effort to meet up in the morning (not that he was obligated to anyway). It hurt me. I subtly asked him why, and he said it was the stress. For some reason that didn’t convince me.


On the day of my second thesis defense, Yume sent me a text message, wishing me good luck. After my thesis defense, he asked me to drop by our org’s Team Building Seminar, so I did. I said “hello” to everyone, including him, but for most of my stay, I ignored him. When he did talk to me, I only replied to him with one-word sentences. After 10 minutes or so, I decided to leave, and he also decided to leave. We were going the same way, so we walked together. He noticed I was in a bad mood, but we didn’t talk much about it.

When we reached my drop-off point, he decided to wait for me. Just when I was about to leave, he told me he wanted to talk, so we did. He noticed our conversations have been becoming more romantic, and I admitted that I liked him. We started discussing what would happen if we did get together, and how unhealthy out relationships would be.

We talked about a lot of things… things I didn’t think we would ever talk about. He was a mess, he looked like a mess (and I knew he was messed up every since I got to know him better, but – stupid me – I didn’t care). As a friend I was concerned, as more than a friend… well… to hell with that, I was worried for him.

After a long while, I had to leave, but before I did leave, I asked him what he thought of me. He said he was starting to like me again, but he said it was best to stay friends. He believed our relationship would be unhealthy (and as painful as it is to admit it, I agreed). He said things were different now. If we were still freshmen, he might have dated me. But we both know that we’ve changed in the last three years.

He asked me if I fell that far already. I said I was an emotional person… Of course, I fell pretty fast… and hard.

As soon as I got into my car, I cried.


A few days later, I noticed that he started hanging out with another girl – a girl I knew he used to like – and it was painful to watch. He ignored me for a few weeks, then we slowly started talking to each other again. It was still painful, and sometimes I would still cry after seeing him for a while.


It’s been eight months since then, and Yume and I are still friends, but not as close anymore. I’m still trying to repair our friendship (and people say he might be trying as well), but we hardly talk online anymore. We never hung out in school, when we still had school. Whenever we did talk, it didn’t go anything beyond Pokemon. Our conversations remained shallow, and (what I felt) lacked substance.

I noticed he began drinking more and smoking more (and I knew he smoked and drank before, but he promised me that he would do it in moderation), he would talk about it  and glorify it every single f*cking week, and it pissed me off.

It still hurts seeing him, and I can’t pinpoint exactly why. Maybe I still like him, or maybe it’s because he’s changed. Maybe it’s because he hurt me emotionally, or maybe it’s because he ignored me when I needed his friendship. Ever since we’ve drifted apart, I’ve always wondered if I ever mattered to him, as a friend or as more than a friend. Because right now, I feel like I was just someone he knows.


There were three guys who made my college life an emotional living hell – the Creep, the Asshole and the Disappointment. Yume is the disappointment.

What made me sad was that he changed… not for the better. I don’t know if he’s aware of it, but he is a nice guy, he was to me. Seeing that gave me hope that he’d be a better person after meeting me. But now… I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yume is my friend, and he will always be my friend, but a part of me will always feel like I’ve lost him. It’s been 3 weeks since I last saw him, and I don’t know when’s the next time I’ll ever see him. I will always love and care for him from afar (because clearly he doesn’t want me with him right now). He can do whatever he wants, and all I can do is continue wishing him the best

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A Dream

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that felt so real.

I was sitting on a lazy boy chair reading a book. Q comes up to me from behind the chair, and we talk for a while. he’d mention things to me, and I’d reply while switching my gaze back to my book every now and then. It was just a casual conversation, about random topics I don’t remember anymore. It felt like a normal conversation between two friends.

“Hey I need to go now…” he says.

I look up to him, I smile and say “okay.”, as if I wasn’t disappointed with what he said to me (when usually I would be).

He straightened his back, and said “I’ll see you then.” All of a sudden, he turns my lazy boy chair around, places his hands on both sides of my cheeks, and lands a quick kiss on my lips. Then he leaves.

It takes me 5 seconds to realize what he did, and I try and reach to him and stammer, “wait!”

He turns around, and walks back to me. He bends down and places his hands on both sides of the lazy boy arm chair.

I stare at him, still confused. I felt my heart beating fast… so it was ready to jump out of my mouth. As much as I wanted to contain it, I couldn’t help but smile from extreme happiness. It takes me a while to collect my thoughts. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but all I could manage to say was, “…why?”.

He walks beside me, and sits on his heels, so he is the same level as me. He takes my hands in his, looks at me, and says, “I… I just felt like it.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, and he laughs too. Then he places his hands on my cheeks again and pulls me in for another kiss…

Next thing I know, my alarm rings and I’m lying down on my bed.

For a moment I actually thought it happened. I felt so light and so happy when I woke up, I was smiling to myself. But it took a while for reality to sink in, and tell me It was all a dream, honey.

Some dreams can feel so real, you actually believe they have happened. It has been a long time since I’ve had a dream that felt like that. For a second I actually believed Q kissed me, and said all those things to me, even I was surprised. For a while, I felt really happy and light. but when you realize it’s just a dream, especially if it felt this good, you can’t help but be disappointed. But in the end, you just have to learn learn to live with it… live with the “What ifs”.

Later that day, I went wall climbing with Q, and I acted as if that dream didn’t bother me at all.

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There are times it becomes frustrating when I’m talking to Q, because I’m always starting our conversations. Sometimes it makes me think that Q is not really interested in keeping up a conversation with me, or not even interested in talking to me at all. Q may be an extroverted guy, but he hardly starts conversations. Lately I’ve been starting 90% of them and sometimes it gets really tiring.

But despite starting most of our conversations, I appreciate how he tries to keep a conversation with me. Although there are times when our text and chat conversations end short, there are also times when we have chat conversations that can last until we run out of things to say to each other, which can usually last 30 minutes at longest.

Yesterday, I started a conversation with him, because I was bored in class, and I started with asking a question about his oral exam. At first I didn’t think he would reply (because he didn’t always reply to my messages, unless he probably finds them important to him), but a few minutes later he replied, and we started having a conversation through text. He asked me if I wanted to go to a party he was organizing, and I said I would think about it. In the end I decided not to go to the party, so I let him know the next day through text. After an hour, he still didn’t reply, so I just assumed that Q didn’t really care.

Instead of going to the party, I went out with my best friend, and we spied on our brothers, who were invited to the junior prom of our old high school. I was busy talking to my friend, when suddenly I felt my phone vibrate, and when I checked it, I had received a message from Q.

I opened the message, and he said that it was okay, and they had to start setting up for the party. I wished him good luck, and told him I was spying on my brother at the prom. Then a few minutes later, he replied asking if the prom of my old high school was today. I said yes and we began texting each other for a couple of minutes. I was asking him if he was invited to our school prom when we were juniors in high school, and he would ask me the details of this year’s prom. When I thought the conversation was over, I told him to go back to setting up the party, and wished him good luck again.

At that point, I thought he would just reply, “Okay, thanks!”, but when I received his text message and opened it, he said that it was his “chill time” and started asking me about who my prom date was back in high school. When he said this, I realized that he was also making the effort to talk to me, and I just felt really happy (my best friend told me I was smiling). We continued texting each other for a few more minutes, and then after sending him a text, he stopped replying, probably because he went back to setting up for the party.

I thought he wouldn’t reply after I sent him that last text, but when I woke up the next morning, I checked my phone and saw that he replied to my message. We were texting each other non-stop for almost 4 days. It would take him hours to reply to my text, but I was surprised he’d reply to me anyway. he would even ask me more questions.

I’m not used to starting conversations, in fear that I might come off as annoying or flirty. When I started conversations with Q, I was always scared he would just ignore me, like he did before when he would stop replying right after I’d ask him about another topic. But lately he’s been replying to all my messages, until we had nothing left to say to each other, and I guess you can call that progress in our friendship.

I still start conversations with Q most of the time, because I like talking to him and because I want to get to know him more. I want him to open up to me, just as I am willing to open up to him. If starting the conversation is the only way to let him feel more comfortable with me, then so be it, because damn it, I like this guy and I want to get closer to him.

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Something happened a few days ago, and it’s still hard to believe that it actually happened. But whether it might have happened or not, I felt over the moon. happy and excited, but scared and unsure at the same time.

I met up with my crush, Q, so I could give him some DVD’s to watch. We met up near the faculty area where I was going to submit an assignment. One of my college club mates walked me there, and I couldn’t stop telling him about how nervous I was with the though of being alone with Q, but he told me to just chill and enjoy it.

My friend and I parted ways and when I saw Q standing outside the faculty room, he looked pretty classy and charming in a checkered polo shirt and jeans. I suddenly got self-conscious, because I decided to wear my new skort that day. He saw me, and we said “hi”. I told him to give me a minute, so I could submit my assignment in the faculty room, and he told me to take my time.

After I submitted my assignment, I went back out to see him, and I said that I left the DVD’s in my club room, so we walked there. While we were walking, every now and then we’d talk and when we were close enough, we’d accidentally brush shoulders. When we arrived at the club room, the friend, who walked with me, noticed I came in ,and he gave me a smirk. I introduced Q to the club and then I got the DVD’s and we left.

We decided to sit on a stone bench nearby. We sat down, and I gave him the DVD’s. We talked for a while, but nothing deep. Every now and then I would move closer to him to the point where we’d be brushing shoulders again, and he didn’t seem to mind. After a few minutes of talking, he thanked me for the DVD’s, and told me he had to leave. But just before he left he stood up, kissed my head and just left in a rush.

It took me three seconds to realize what he just did, and my heart began racing like crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it throughout the entire day. He texted me a few minutes later apologizing for leaving in a hurry, and thanking me again for the DVD’s.

At first I though it was just Q’s way of say “hello”, “thank you” or “goodbye” to his close girl friends, but when I told my best friend (who is Q’s close friend as well) about it, she also freaked out. She wanted to know more details, so she asked her other friend (who was also close to Q) to ask Q about it. The next day, she told me, that Q wasn’t making anything clear so my best friend said it’s best to just brush it off.

You how the more you think about something, the less believable it gets?

The more I think about that kiss on the head, the more unreal it felt. Until now, I still question myself whether I was hallucinating or not. Did Q really kiss my head or did something else (that made a kissing sound when it fell) hit my head that came from the trees above? I know one thing though… it definitely wasn’t his hand patting my head.

Sometimes when I think about it, I can’t help but smile. And other times, it scares me to the bone.

The thought of possibly having a relationship after coming from a failed almost-relationship scares me sometimes, because God knows what could happen.

I realize now that I like Q. It’s definitely more than a crush. For now, I’m just going to brush this thing aside, but if he does do anything again in the future, I’m definitely going to start interrogating him.

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Over the Christmas break, my best friend messaged me on the Line app, and told me that Q was giving me a sketchbook.

At that time, I was extremely confused, because Q was out of the country, and I didn’t consider myself close enough with Q for him to give me anything from abroad. But that was exactly what he was doing…

He was buying me a souvenir from abroad… and a sketchbook, might I add.

I noticed that Q was very interested in my notebook drawings. Back when we were classmates in one of our classes, I would bring out my drawing notebook every now and then, and doodle. Q would notice them, commenting on how nice it was and all. I would just smile and thank him.

I was surprised, and even my best friend was surprised. Of course I was happy, because I secretly liked him. And of course who wouldn’t be over the moon, after finding out your crush buys you something he thinks you will like?

I felt bad, because it never crossed my mind to buy him anything from abroad. I was going to Japan that Christmas, so I decided to buy him something from there. At first I was hesitating whether I should buy him something or not. Only my closest friends knew I had a crush on him, so getting him something from abroad might make even more people assume that he was important to me. In the end, I got him chopsticks just like I did for my other friends, just so it wasn’t obvious that I found him just a little more special then the rest. But it wasn’t like I just picked any random pair of chopsticks from the store. It had a feminine design, with masculine colors, because there was a running joke in our group that Q was starting to become “one of the girls”.

When class started again, I couldn’t find the right time to give him the chopsticks, because he was always with his friends, and I didn’t want to give it in front his friends, because they might get suspicious of me.

The right time came when we went to my best friend’s house two days ago to study for an exam. We were preparing our notes, when he took something out of his bag and handed it to me. Although I knew he was going to give me a sketchbook, I didn’t expect the sketchbook to look so nice! It was hardbound, and the cover was made of fake dark blue leather. It wasn’t just a regular blank notebook. On the front page it said “One Sketch A Day: A Visual Journal”. It was a drawing notebook that would help me track down my drawing progress in a span of 365 days. On the outside I was thanking him and being my usual sarcastic self, but on the inside, I was bursting with joy.

This also gave me the chance to give him my souvenir. I gave him the chopsticks, and one of the first things he said was, “Cool, I have another pair of chopsticks I can eat my Cheetos with.” I could tell he was happy too.

I still haven’t touched the sketchbook Q gave me. I mean it’s so nice I don’t even want to use it. But I plan to eventually, because it was a souvenir from him. The the fact that he thought of me while he was abroad makes me so happy and touched. I only see Q as a friend and nothing more (and I’m pretty sure he only sees me that way too), but he just makes extremely happy.

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Just Laugh

Ever since I knew his name and face, I promised myself that I would never, ever have a crush on him.

I was wrong.

Just so we don’t get confused, let’s call this guy Q.

Q was a pretty popular guy. How could I tell? My mom knew his name and face before I did. I actually knew who he was, because of the number of times my mom mentioned him. The first time I saw his face, I thought, “He’s not very good looking.” One time I saw him in a party, he was always paired up with a girl who happened to be one of the popular girls back when I was in high school, and all I could do was roll my eyes and look the other way. A few months later, I found out that Q and the girl got together.

Every time I saw him (often with his girlfriend) I thought, “He’s so proud. Why do people even like him, he’s not even handsome?” I didn’t like him because he often hung out with the popular crowd – a crowd I never wanted to associate myself to. It comprised of the popular girls from my high school and the popular guys from the high school across my high school. I promised myself I’d never be friends with someone like Q

A year and a half after I knew his name and face, he became really close friends with my best friend. I didn’t mind it at first. So long as I wasn’t friends with him, I was still okay.

A year after he met my best friend, I was formally introduced to him.

I never ever thought I was ever going to be introduced to him. My best friend and I became classmates in two of our classes eight months ago. A few days before class started, she told me Q was also going to be our classmate. Of course when she said that, I acted normally, telling her it was alright. But the day before class started I was having a mild social anxiety attack, from the fear that my best friend would leave me and talk to him for 2/3 of the semester.

The first day of classes came and I entered my classroom. My best friend and Q were already sitting down, I sat on the chair beside my best friends. She introduced me to Q, who reached out his hand to me and said “Nice to meet you.” A little stunned it took me a while to shake his hand and say “hi.”

The moment he said those four words to me, I realized, he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. Days and weeks passed, and I got to know him more. I spent more time with him and my best friend. Of course in the first few weeks, his presence kind of annoyed me. But as time passed, we both became more comfortable with each other and I now talk to him the same way I talk to my best friend.

I found out from my best friend that Q broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks before the semester started, and I was surprised, because they were considered a power couple in our college. So now he is single (as far as I know). His relationship status didn’t really matter to me, because even after being friends with Q, I promised myself I would never, ever have a crush on him.

That all changed when the second semester arrived.

My best friend invited me to an event, and when I arrived early at the venue, I bumped into Q who happened to be invited as well. It was a semi-formal event, so it was the first time Q saw me in a dress (he was so surprised he said to me sarcastically, “I’m not used to seeing you without your pants.”). We were alone for 5 minutes until my best friend finally arrived. It was a weird being alone with him, because whenever I’m with him, my best friend would always be there too. It was weird, but for some reason it felt nice being alone with him. The night went on as usual – all my other friends arrived, we ate dinner, the program started, we laughed, and all – then we began asking each other what time we’d be going home. Q asked me what time I was going home, and I told him I was going to leave sometime before midnight. Then he replied, “Okay, I’ll go home the same time as you.” At first I didn’t believe him, because he had other closer friends in the party. But when it was time for me to leave, he left too, which surprised me. We went down together to the lobby, and we were alone again for a few minutes while waiting for my parents to pick me up. We talked a little until my car finally arrived, I told him I had to go, and he said he had to go too, but I didn’t see his car. He noticed I was confused and said, “Oh, my car was there the whole time, I was just waiting for you to leave.” We said our goodbyes and I left in my car.

At the end of the night, I realized I was smiling uncontrollably.

And that’s when I knew… I had a crush on Q.

I told my best friend a few days later, and she just laughed.

We’re still friends until now. We’re no longer classmates, but Q, my best friend and I still study and hang out together.

It’s funny because 3 years ago, when I knew his face and name, I promised myself I’d never have a crush on a guy like Q, but the more I got to know him, I realized he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. All I can say to myself now is, “Shit, what did I get myself into?”

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Why can’t he just leave me alone?

5 weeks ago, I found a way to make him back off. When I realized it was too hard to be casual with him again, I told him to back off, and (after he wrote a long chat message attempting to explain himself), I haven’t heard from him since.

Feels great not seeing his face or hearing his voice. It’s as if we’ve never met. For the past few weeks I’ve been living my life normally – going to summer school, studying, doing extra-curricular work, eating and sleeping. Surprisingly, I’m feeling good about my life. I feel much better when he’s not around. No anxiety attacks, no pain, and no hesitation. When I’m away from him, I feel like my mind can think clearly.

Of course I still have moments of depression whenever I listen to a familiar song or remember a bittersweet memory. There was one time I remembered seeing him in school over the summer term, and I just felt a rush of anger. But life isn’t worth dwelling over the past.

What matters is, I don’t see or talk to him. And as long as he doesn’t bother me then I’m happy.

But then 2 days ago, I went on my tumblr, and I noticed that I received an anonymous message that said:

yo i see your posts on facebook and i really think you shouldn’t give up on love. Just because one guy hurt you doesn’t mean others will too. Who knows, maybe he thinks about you sometimes. Maybe something will happen between you two again, maybe nothing will. But if you give up on it entirely nothing’s going to happen at all, with anybody. You gotta stay strong. You’ll find the right one. A beautiful girl like you won’t have any trouble at all, it just takes a little time.

Of course I thought it was a thoughtful thing to say, so I just thanked the person. But I was suspicious, because:

  1. The sender is my Facebook friend.
  2. The sender knows my Tumblr
  3. Only less than 10 of my Facebook friends know I have a Tumblr account.
  4. No one sends me anonymous messages on Tumblr.

And for a moment, I really did assume that he sent me the Tumblr anon. But I didn’t really bother about it until a friend of mine told me it was him.

Of course when I found out I was furious, because I clearly told (and want) him to back off.

And this wasn’t just the first time. Ever since he ended things, he’d try to check up on me. He took almost every opportunity he could to ask how I was, and how much he wanted to talk to me again. And it’s messages like these that give me nothing but confusion and mixed signals. And it angers me. I don’t know why, but it angers me.

Until now I still wonder why he still wants to keep me as a friend. I asked that the last time we met, and he wouldn’t give me any answer aside from, “I don’t know, I just do.”

I’m brought back to that time, on the day he ended things. When his last word to me was, “Maybe.” Maybe I’ll be his girlfriend in the future, maybe we’ll end up together again. Maybe… but we’ll never know.

That word is such a hopeful word, but I learned not to rely on that anymore. I’ve given up on “maybes” and “what ifs”, because after the shit he’s put me through, I am very sure there will be no more “maybes”.

My friends hate him, my mother hates him even more. If it was already 95% impossible for us to be together when we were still together, he has made it 150% impossible for us to ever get back together.

From what I understood from everything he has said to me, it’s like I’m being treated like a back-up plan. Like he’s saving me for the future. Like if all else fails, he’ll run back to me, because he knows I will always be there.

But if he did have a plan to come back to me in the future, then he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He should have been patient, just like he promised me he would. It wouldn’t be right if he left, just to come back to me at a better time.

Well the damage is done, the past is in the past. And right now, I think it’s best that he just stays away, and treats me as if we’ve never met.

I will never, ever want him back… And it still pains me to accept that.

 

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