Archive for the ‘Fate’ Category

A Dream

It’s been a while since I’ve had a dream that felt so real.

I was sitting on a lazy boy chair reading a book. Q comes up to me from behind the chair, and we talk for a while. he’d mention things to me, and I’d reply while switching my gaze back to my book every now and then. It was just a casual conversation, about random topics I don’t remember anymore. It felt like a normal conversation between two friends.

“Hey I need to go now…” he says.

I look up to him, I smile and say “okay.”, as if I wasn’t disappointed with what he said to me (when usually I would be).

He straightened his back, and said “I’ll see you then.” All of a sudden, he turns my lazy boy chair around, places his hands on both sides of my cheeks, and lands a quick kiss on my lips. Then he leaves.

It takes me 5 seconds to realize what he did, and I try and reach to him and stammer, “wait!”

He turns around, and walks back to me. He bends down and places his hands on both sides of the lazy boy arm chair.

I stare at him, still confused. I felt my heart beating fast… so it was ready to jump out of my mouth. As much as I wanted to contain it, I couldn’t help but smile from extreme happiness. It takes me a while to collect my thoughts. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but all I could manage to say was, “…why?”.

He walks beside me, and sits on his heels, so he is the same level as me. He takes my hands in his, looks at me, and says, “I… I just felt like it.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, and he laughs too. Then he places his hands on my cheeks again and pulls me in for another kiss…

Next thing I know, my alarm rings and I’m lying down on my bed.

For a moment I actually thought it happened. I felt so light and so happy when I woke up, I was smiling to myself. But it took a while for reality to sink in, and tell me It was all a dream, honey.

Some dreams can feel so real, you actually believe they have happened. It has been a long time since I’ve had a dream that felt like that. For a second I actually believed Q kissed me, and said all those things to me, even I was surprised. For a while, I felt really happy and light. but when you realize it’s just a dream, especially if it felt this good, you can’t help but be disappointed. But in the end, you just have to learn learn to live with it… live with the “What ifs”.

Later that day, I went wall climbing with Q, and I acted as if that dream didn’t bother me at all.


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Just Laugh

Ever since I knew his name and face, I promised myself that I would never, ever have a crush on him.

I was wrong.

Just so we don’t get confused, let’s call this guy Q.

Q was a pretty popular guy. How could I tell? My mom knew his name and face before I did. I actually knew who he was, because of the number of times my mom mentioned him. The first time I saw his face, I thought, “He’s not very good looking.” One time I saw him in a party, he was always paired up with a girl who happened to be one of the popular girls back when I was in high school, and all I could do was roll my eyes and look the other way. A few months later, I found out that Q and the girl got together.

Every time I saw him (often with his girlfriend) I thought, “He’s so proud. Why do people even like him, he’s not even handsome?” I didn’t like him because he often hung out with the popular crowd – a crowd I never wanted to associate myself to. It comprised of the popular girls from my high school and the popular guys from the high school across my high school. I promised myself I’d never be friends with someone like Q

A year and a half after I knew his name and face, he became really close friends with my best friend. I didn’t mind it at first. So long as I wasn’t friends with him, I was still okay.

A year after he met my best friend, I was formally introduced to him.

I never ever thought I was ever going to be introduced to him. My best friend and I became classmates in two of our classes eight months ago. A few days before class started, she told me Q was also going to be our classmate. Of course when she said that, I acted normally, telling her it was alright. But the day before class started I was having a mild social anxiety attack, from the fear that my best friend would leave me and talk to him for 2/3 of the semester.

The first day of classes came and I entered my classroom. My best friend and Q were already sitting down, I sat on the chair beside my best friends. She introduced me to Q, who reached out his hand to me and said “Nice to meet you.” A little stunned it took me a while to shake his hand and say “hi.”

The moment he said those four words to me, I realized, he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. Days and weeks passed, and I got to know him more. I spent more time with him and my best friend. Of course in the first few weeks, his presence kind of annoyed me. But as time passed, we both became more comfortable with each other and I now talk to him the same way I talk to my best friend.

I found out from my best friend that Q broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks before the semester started, and I was surprised, because they were considered a power couple in our college. So now he is single (as far as I know). His relationship status didn’t really matter to me, because even after being friends with Q, I promised myself I would never, ever have a crush on him.

That all changed when the second semester arrived.

My best friend invited me to an event, and when I arrived early at the venue, I bumped into Q who happened to be invited as well. It was a semi-formal event, so it was the first time Q saw me in a dress (he was so surprised he said to me sarcastically, “I’m not used to seeing you without your pants.”). We were alone for 5 minutes until my best friend finally arrived. It was a weird being alone with him, because whenever I’m with him, my best friend would always be there too. It was weird, but for some reason it felt nice being alone with him. The night went on as usual – all my other friends arrived, we ate dinner, the program started, we laughed, and all – then we began asking each other what time we’d be going home. Q asked me what time I was going home, and I told him I was going to leave sometime before midnight. Then he replied, “Okay, I’ll go home the same time as you.” At first I didn’t believe him, because he had other closer friends in the party. But when it was time for me to leave, he left too, which surprised me. We went down together to the lobby, and we were alone again for a few minutes while waiting for my parents to pick me up. We talked a little until my car finally arrived, I told him I had to go, and he said he had to go too, but I didn’t see his car. He noticed I was confused and said, “Oh, my car was there the whole time, I was just waiting for you to leave.” We said our goodbyes and I left in my car.

At the end of the night, I realized I was smiling uncontrollably.

And that’s when I knew… I had a crush on Q.

I told my best friend a few days later, and she just laughed.

We’re still friends until now. We’re no longer classmates, but Q, my best friend and I still study and hang out together.

It’s funny because 3 years ago, when I knew his face and name, I promised myself I’d never have a crush on a guy like Q, but the more I got to know him, I realized he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. All I can say to myself now is, “Shit, what did I get myself into?”

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Every year, our school holds this inter-organization dance competition, and his org was one of the participants. He has been part of his org’s dance troupe since freshman year, and I had never seen him dance, ever.

Last year, one of our classes required us to attend 10 theatre plays, variety shows and the like, one of them was that dance competition. My friends and I decided to watch it, and at the same time cheer on our friends who were participating in the competition. I used this as an excuse to watch him dance, because I’ve never seen him dance. And in that year’s competition, he was one of the main performers.

At that time, he had already confessed to me, and I had already said I liked him too, but we did nothing more than that.

I told him I was going to watch the dance competition and I could tell he was kind of excited.

That night, while I was lining up, I texted him good luck. We started talking to each other for a while. He was hoping his team would get in to the final round, and I decided to motivate him even more. I told him that if his team made it into the final round, I would run to him and give him one big hug, so he had to do his best. He didn’t really show a lot of emotion when I said that, but I knew he liked the idea.

The competition began, and I really enjoyed all the performances before his team’s. I was actually really nervous for him, because I really wanted him to advance to the finals (and at the back of my mind I really wanted to give him that hug).

When it was finally his team’s turn to perform, I sat on the edge of my seat and watched.

I can’t describe in detail how the overall performance was, but all I could say was. The concept was amazing, and he was amazing. I could feel my heart pounding and my face flushing. It was my first time seeing his dance, and I just felt like as if I fell for him even more right then and there. My friends were staring at me and the next thing I knew, I was curled up in a ball on my chair, blushing really hard.

I texted him afterwards and congratulated him. He was being modest when he replied saying it wasn’t his best performance, but I could tell deep down, he was happy I saw him dance.

Unfortunately, his team didn’t make it into the finals that year. I was sad for him of course, but as soon as the competition ended, I went out to the back door and gave him that big hug anyway (two hugs actually). He had to leave for a team dinner, but he decided to sit by a tree for a long while with me. We just started talking, and he promised that one day (if he still liked me) we’d slow dance together, and I liked that idea. We both didn’t wanna leave at that moment.

The slow dance never happened. He ended things before that time came.

Of course things are much different now. I blocked him both on my Facebook and my phone. We never talk, and I always ignore him every time we pass by each other.

Last night was this year’s dance competition, but I decided not to watch, because I left school early, I had no friends to watch with, and obviously he was going to be there.

Later that night I was on my laptop, and the results of the competition came out.

His organisation’s crew made it to the finals.

After finding that out, I felt something… like a painful but happy feeling in my chest. I was happy for him, but I was sad at the same time.

I’m not really sure if he did dance with his crew during last night’s competition. But I couldn’t help but wonder what could have happened if they won last year instead of this year. What if he didn’t end things 8 months ago, and we were still together. If I watched his performance and found out that they made it to the finals then and there. Would I have given him a huge hug too?

The feeling was just really painful to bear, I almost fell into another state of mild depression, and I felt extremely stupid for feeling such a feeling.

It doesn’t mean I miss him though. I don’t miss him… at all. I missed the memory, probably. But I don’t miss the person himself. I still don’t want to talk to him honestly.

I’m assuming it was probably the nostalgia that made me feel this way. Making me snap back to the past and remember all the painful bittersweet memories we had together. For a moment I nearly misunderstood it as missing him… as still liking him. But I don’t like him. I’m back to the present, and I never want to remember these memories ever again.

I’m honestly really sad things had to be this way – ignoring him and all. But with the way things are now , I don’t want him back and I don’t think I ever will.

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Why can’t he just leave me alone?

5 weeks ago, I found a way to make him back off. When I realized it was too hard to be casual with him again, I told him to back off, and (after he wrote a long chat message attempting to explain himself), I haven’t heard from him since.

Feels great not seeing his face or hearing his voice. It’s as if we’ve never met. For the past few weeks I’ve been living my life normally – going to summer school, studying, doing extra-curricular work, eating and sleeping. Surprisingly, I’m feeling good about my life. I feel much better when he’s not around. No anxiety attacks, no pain, and no hesitation. When I’m away from him, I feel like my mind can think clearly.

Of course I still have moments of depression whenever I listen to a familiar song or remember a bittersweet memory. There was one time I remembered seeing him in school over the summer term, and I just felt a rush of anger. But life isn’t worth dwelling over the past.

What matters is, I don’t see or talk to him. And as long as he doesn’t bother me then I’m happy.

But then 2 days ago, I went on my tumblr, and I noticed that I received an anonymous message that said:

yo i see your posts on facebook and i really think you shouldn’t give up on love. Just because one guy hurt you doesn’t mean others will too. Who knows, maybe he thinks about you sometimes. Maybe something will happen between you two again, maybe nothing will. But if you give up on it entirely nothing’s going to happen at all, with anybody. You gotta stay strong. You’ll find the right one. A beautiful girl like you won’t have any trouble at all, it just takes a little time.

Of course I thought it was a thoughtful thing to say, so I just thanked the person. But I was suspicious, because:

  1. The sender is my Facebook friend.
  2. The sender knows my Tumblr
  3. Only less than 10 of my Facebook friends know I have a Tumblr account.
  4. No one sends me anonymous messages on Tumblr.

And for a moment, I really did assume that he sent me the Tumblr anon. But I didn’t really bother about it until a friend of mine told me it was him.

Of course when I found out I was furious, because I clearly told (and want) him to back off.

And this wasn’t just the first time. Ever since he ended things, he’d try to check up on me. He took almost every opportunity he could to ask how I was, and how much he wanted to talk to me again. And it’s messages like these that give me nothing but confusion and mixed signals. And it angers me. I don’t know why, but it angers me.

Until now I still wonder why he still wants to keep me as a friend. I asked that the last time we met, and he wouldn’t give me any answer aside from, “I don’t know, I just do.”

I’m brought back to that time, on the day he ended things. When his last word to me was, “Maybe.” Maybe I’ll be his girlfriend in the future, maybe we’ll end up together again. Maybe… but we’ll never know.

That word is such a hopeful word, but I learned not to rely on that anymore. I’ve given up on “maybes” and “what ifs”, because after the shit he’s put me through, I am very sure there will be no more “maybes”.

My friends hate him, my mother hates him even more. If it was already 95% impossible for us to be together when we were still together, he has made it 150% impossible for us to ever get back together.

From what I understood from everything he has said to me, it’s like I’m being treated like a back-up plan. Like he’s saving me for the future. Like if all else fails, he’ll run back to me, because he knows I will always be there.

But if he did have a plan to come back to me in the future, then he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He should have been patient, just like he promised me he would. It wouldn’t be right if he left, just to come back to me at a better time.

Well the damage is done, the past is in the past. And right now, I think it’s best that he just stays away, and treats me as if we’ve never met.

I will never, ever want him back… And it still pains me to accept that.


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Right now, I would very much rather look down.

Because when I look up,

I see the moon and the stars.
They are light.
Light represents hope.

And it hurts to hope.

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