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Archive for the ‘Angst’ Category

Why can’t he just leave me alone?

5 weeks ago, I found a way to make him back off. When I realized it was too hard to be casual with him again, I told him to back off, and (after he wrote a long chat message attempting to explain himself), I haven’t heard from him since.

Feels great not seeing his face or hearing his voice. It’s as if we’ve never met. For the past few weeks I’ve been living my life normally – going to summer school, studying, doing extra-curricular work, eating and sleeping. Surprisingly, I’m feeling good about my life. I feel much better when he’s not around. No anxiety attacks, no pain, and no hesitation. When I’m away from him, I feel like my mind can think clearly.

Of course I still have moments of depression whenever I listen to a familiar song or remember a bittersweet memory. There was one time I remembered seeing him in school over the summer term, and I just felt a rush of anger. But life isn’t worth dwelling over the past.

What matters is, I don’t see or talk to him. And as long as he doesn’t bother me then I’m happy.

But then 2 days ago, I went on my tumblr, and I noticed that I received an anonymous message that said:

yo i see your posts on facebook and i really think you shouldn’t give up on love. Just because one guy hurt you doesn’t mean others will too. Who knows, maybe he thinks about you sometimes. Maybe something will happen between you two again, maybe nothing will. But if you give up on it entirely nothing’s going to happen at all, with anybody. You gotta stay strong. You’ll find the right one. A beautiful girl like you won’t have any trouble at all, it just takes a little time.

Of course I thought it was a thoughtful thing to say, so I just thanked the person. But I was suspicious, because:

  1. The sender is my Facebook friend.
  2. The sender knows my Tumblr
  3. Only less than 10 of my Facebook friends know I have a Tumblr account.
  4. No one sends me anonymous messages on Tumblr.

And for a moment, I really did assume that he sent me the Tumblr anon. But I didn’t really bother about it until a friend of mine told me it was him.

Of course when I found out I was furious, because I clearly told (and want) him to back off.

And this wasn’t just the first time. Ever since he ended things, he’d try to check up on me. He took almost every opportunity he could to ask how I was, and how much he wanted to talk to me again. And it’s messages like these that give me nothing but confusion and mixed signals. And it angers me. I don’t know why, but it angers me.

Until now I still wonder why he still wants to keep me as a friend. I asked that the last time we met, and he wouldn’t give me any answer aside from, “I don’t know, I just do.”

I’m brought back to that time, on the day he ended things. When his last word to me was, “Maybe.” Maybe I’ll be his girlfriend in the future, maybe we’ll end up together again. Maybe… but we’ll never know.

That word is such a hopeful word, but I learned not to rely on that anymore. I’ve given up on “maybes” and “what ifs”, because after the shit he’s put me through, I am very sure there will be no more “maybes”.

My friends hate him, my mother hates him even more. If it was already 95% impossible for us to be together when we were still together, he has made it 150% impossible for us to ever get back together.

From what I understood from everything he has said to me, it’s like I’m being treated like a back-up plan. Like he’s saving me for the future. Like if all else fails, he’ll run back to me, because he knows I will always be there.

But if he did have a plan to come back to me in the future, then he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He should have been patient, just like he promised me he would. It wouldn’t be right if he left, just to come back to me at a better time.

Well the damage is done, the past is in the past. And right now, I think it’s best that he just stays away, and treats me as if we’ve never met.

I will never, ever want him back… And it still pains me to accept that.

 

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I rarely had dreams about him back when we still liked each other. Whenever I did, it wasn’t even about anything romantic. He was just either one of the evil henchmen (I told him about this and he couldn’t stop apologizing) or the random side character. I could only vividly recall one moment in one dream I had with just the two of us together, and it was beautiful… but this is not what I’m going to be talking about in this post.

Ever since he ended things between us, the number of dreams I’ve had about him have tripled, and it is just terrible. Whenever I had dreams about him before, I’d always smile, but now when I wake up after every dream, I just stare up at my ceiling or at my wall, depressed and in pain.

All my dreams about him tend to feel so very real, that when I wake up, small pangs of pain just start hitting my chest. The feelings, emotions, the surroundings… everything (no matter how surreal it looked) felt so real.

The most recent dream I had about him was last night (which is also why I decided to make this post), and this was different from all the rest, because it felt the most real. For the longest time since he ended things, I have never felt such a feeling of happiness (although it was also pretty bittersweet). I felt like it was actually happening, and I was almost close to tears when I woke up to realize it wasn’t reality.

This dream took place when I was in school. A series of odd but interesting events happened, but I’ll just fast forward to the part with him in it.

It was a cloudy day, and I was walking on the sidewalk, going back to the dorm I have rented within the campus. While I was walking, I see him with his new girl, holding hands. They were just standing their looking up at something at a nearby tree. Having saw them, I immediately moved my gaze to the opposite direction and walked briskly by them. Once I passed by them, I started running to my dorm, and I felt nothing but anger, jealousy, frustration and the urge to cry.

In the next scene I remember after that, I went out of my dorm, and he was standing right outside waiting for me. I honestly, have no idea what I was thinking, but the next thing I know I go towards him, and we start talking while we are walking back to the school campus.

We were both smiling and laughing, and out of impulse, I suddenly grabbed ionn to his arm. I was so close to reaching out for his hand, when I realized at the last minute that we were no longer together. He also noticed that I was about to reach out for it, and he said, “Remember i can’t hold your hand anymore…”. I replied, “Yes I know.” and I slowly distanced myself from him.

We continued walking some more, and then out of the blue, he reached out and held my hand. I was surprised (my legs started feeling like water and I almost melted), and I just looked up at him, speechless. He vaguely said something, and then I suddenly mustered up all my courage to reply, “I miss you.”

I could see from his face that he was shocked after what I just said, and he started stuttering and laughing nervously. He replied something like, “You know, after all this I just realized…” (those were the exact words I remembered), and I think it was something good because after that, I remember moving closer to him and wrapping my arm around his, he didn’t resist, and we just continued talking and walking to who-knows-where.

And all throughout, I knew – no… I felt like I was smiling from cheek to cheek.

Well it had to end eventually. As we were walking, we were still holding hands, when suddenly he pulls away and says that he saw my dad (when it was actually my grandpa). Then he walks away, and he was so fast, that when I looked back, he was gone. After that though, he still kept send me text messages, and I was just so happy.

Then I woke up.

To you, readers, you might have just wondered what the heck just happened. Even I don’t fully comprehend how everything comes together.

But I guess my point is, it’s not about what happened, it’s that the feelings I felt in that dream were so real; It was so close to the feelings I used to feel when I was still with him.

And that’s what hurts.

Forgive me for sounding creepy, but when I held his hand, I felt the warmth and safety I used to feel with him before. When we talked, I could hear myself laughing and feel myself smiling. For most of that moment, I felt genuinely… happy, because everything felt like what it used to be. It felt like my life was put back into place.

This dream just shows how much I long for the days we used to have, and I would love to relive those happy memories I spent with him again…

But I know that it’s never going to happen.

I’ve said this so many time already: I miss him. I miss the way he made me feel, and I miss the times we’ve shared together. I wish it didn’t all have to end so soon. But what happened, happened.

They say the dreams we have reveal what we want, and what we wish for the most. Right now, I want things to go back to the way they were, I want to feel that happiness again.

Every dream that I have about him now are my worst nightmares, because every time I wake up, I wake up sad, realizing that none of it ever happened. And every morning, I just have to accept that, and go on living my life without him in it.

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You called yourself the Moon, 
And you called me your Sun.
I was touched. I was happy.
But now you have someone else,
To bring light to your day.
And I’m now nothing but a small and insignificant red star in the distance.

———————————————-

Over the weeks, I’ve been telling myself that I wanted things to go back to the way it used to, and I was hopeful things would in a matter of weeks… I thought life was going to be okay again. I thought everything was going to be okay again.

But I was wrong.

I’ve suddenly realized that things will never go back to the way it used to.

We can never be as friendly as we were in the beginning of the year. We can never hang out as casually as we want to. We can never talk as honestly as we used to. Things will never be the same again.

I’ve noticed… He’s changed. He’s become a different person, much more different than he was months ago. He’s become more… insensitive. Less caring. More distant and unapproachable (but “heartless” would be too harsh of a word). And as friendly as I’m sure he wants to be, I just can’t help but feel that aura around him right now. It frustrates me even more. What’s worse is that I feel like I’ve just lost a close friend. I want to stay friends, but I’m 90% assured that it’s not going to be the same as it used to be.

I’m sure I’ve changed too. I guess you can say, I’ve become heartless… more heartless than I was before I met him. I’ve learned never to trust anyone. Never to give in to feeling. Never expect from promises ever again. I feel much stronger and more independent, but more closed off to the social world. I’ve become more introverted, more reflective, indifferent, and insensitive. I’ve learned to hope, but for other things other than the thought of love. I become a bitch to the world.

Things have changed. We have changed.

And the thought of it hurts. The realization hurts. It hurts even more than the actual rejection.

In the end, I’ve just given up. I don’t want to look back anymore, and hope that things will be back to normal.

We learn from the past, and we either become better or worse because of it. There is no such thing as “being the same person as I used to be”, because as much as we’d like to think of it that way, in one way or another, we have changed.

Looking back at the past and reliving it for a moment gives nothing but temporary relief, nostalgia, and happiness. In the end, we have to realize that we have become completely different people, because of the decisions we have made.

And we have no choice but to carry that change as we move forward (regardless of what the future brings).

Because, honestly, that’s the only direction we can go.

It’s the only direction I can go.

I’m sorry.

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So here’s a realization I suddenly had…

4 out of my 7 older cousins are currently in relationships.
Two of them used to be in relationships (and I think they’re about to get into new relationships again).
My 16-year-old cousin used to be in a relationship.
My 13-year-old cousin already has an MU.
My childhood friend is in a relationship.
Some of my course mates are starting to have relationships.
Heck everywhere in my college I see people in relationships.
The guy I used to like, and who just ended things between us 4 weeks ago is with another girl.

I just got heartbroken.

And here I am in front of my laptop, mad at the world, questioning… WHY?!

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I have a difficult time interacting with people.

As an introvert, I try to be friendly. I really do try. But when something like this happens…

When I see someone I know in distress, and obviously wants to talk…

Me: Are you okay?
Friend: No.
Me: Do you wanna talk about it.
Friend: No. I just want to be alone.
Me: Are you sure?
Friend: Just leave me alone!
Me: *In my head* Well f*ck you then, I’m just trying to be of help.

I’m really trying my best to be a friend. As I said in my previous post,  I am trying to be more of a listener than the talker. I try to be more sensitive to others, and I try to be of help to them, But if people don’t seem to appreciate the help I give, and just shoo me off like I’m some pesky fly…

… Then I am so through with human interaction… so through.

Forgive me. I needed to be the talker this time.

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