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Archive for January, 2015

Thought Catalog

Flickr / Saxon CampbellFlickr / Saxon Campbell

Feel impossibly conflicted. Feel like every move you make, every decision you make, is scrutinized, criticized, politicized. Be pretty, but not too pretty. Be beautiful and ageless, but don’t alter your face or your body too much. Be enough of everything, but not too much of anything. Don’t blame or force accountability onto Hollywood or the media or corporate interests which profit entirely off your self-hate in order to get your money. Take responsibility! Exercise if you hate your body. Wear makeup if you hate your face. Look good. Always look good.

Take care of yourself, but not out of vanity. Take care of yourself, but do not be too obsessed. “Ugh, she spends an hour contouring her face, stop lying!” “Ugh, she really needs more makeup on, yikes!” Be natural, but like, in a pretty way. Be thin, but like, don’t ever talk about how…

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Over the Christmas break, my best friend messaged me on the Line app, and told me that Q was giving me a sketchbook.

At that time, I was extremely confused, because Q was out of the country, and I didn’t consider myself close enough with Q for him to give me anything from abroad. But that was exactly what he was doing…

He was buying me a souvenir from abroad… and a sketchbook, might I add.

I noticed that Q was very interested in my notebook drawings. Back when we were classmates in one of our classes, I would bring out my drawing notebook every now and then, and doodle. Q would notice them, commenting on how nice it was and all. I would just smile and thank him.

I was surprised, and even my best friend was surprised. Of course I was happy, because I secretly liked him. And of course who wouldn’t be over the moon, after finding out your crush buys you something he thinks you will like?

I felt bad, because it never crossed my mind to buy him anything from abroad. I was going to Japan that Christmas, so I decided to buy him something from there. At first I was hesitating whether I should buy him something or not. Only my closest friends knew I had a crush on him, so getting him something from abroad might make even more people assume that he was important to me. In the end, I got him chopsticks just like I did for my other friends, just so it wasn’t obvious that I found him just a little more special then the rest. But it wasn’t like I just picked any random pair of chopsticks from the store. It had a feminine design, with masculine colors, because there was a running joke in our group that Q was starting to become “one of the girls”.

When class started again, I couldn’t find the right time to give him the chopsticks, because he was always with his friends, and I didn’t want to give it in front his friends, because they might get suspicious of me.

The right time came when we went to my best friend’s house two days ago to study for an exam. We were preparing our notes, when he took something out of his bag and handed it to me. Although I knew he was going to give me a sketchbook, I didn’t expect the sketchbook to look so nice! It was hardbound, and the cover was made of fake dark blue leather. It wasn’t just a regular blank notebook. On the front page it said “One Sketch A Day: A Visual Journal”. It was a drawing notebook that would help me track down my drawing progress in a span of 365 days. On the outside I was thanking him and being my usual sarcastic self, but on the inside, I was bursting with joy.

This also gave me the chance to give him my souvenir. I gave him the chopsticks, and one of the first things he said was, “Cool, I have another pair of chopsticks I can eat my Cheetos with.” I could tell he was happy too.

I still haven’t touched the sketchbook Q gave me. I mean it’s so nice I don’t even want to use it. But I plan to eventually, because it was a souvenir from him. The the fact that he thought of me while he was abroad makes me so happy and touched. I only see Q as a friend and nothing more (and I’m pretty sure he only sees me that way too), but he just makes extremely happy.

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Just Laugh

Ever since I knew his name and face, I promised myself that I would never, ever have a crush on him.

I was wrong.

Just so we don’t get confused, let’s call this guy Q.

Q was a pretty popular guy. How could I tell? My mom knew his name and face before I did. I actually knew who he was, because of the number of times my mom mentioned him. The first time I saw his face, I thought, “He’s not very good looking.” One time I saw him in a party, he was always paired up with a girl who happened to be one of the popular girls back when I was in high school, and all I could do was roll my eyes and look the other way. A few months later, I found out that Q and the girl got together.

Every time I saw him (often with his girlfriend) I thought, “He’s so proud. Why do people even like him, he’s not even handsome?” I didn’t like him because he often hung out with the popular crowd – a crowd I never wanted to associate myself to. It comprised of the popular girls from my high school and the popular guys from the high school across my high school. I promised myself I’d never be friends with someone like Q

A year and a half after I knew his name and face, he became really close friends with my best friend. I didn’t mind it at first. So long as I wasn’t friends with him, I was still okay.

A year after he met my best friend, I was formally introduced to him.

I never ever thought I was ever going to be introduced to him. My best friend and I became classmates in two of our classes eight months ago. A few days before class started, she told me Q was also going to be our classmate. Of course when she said that, I acted normally, telling her it was alright. But the day before class started I was having a mild social anxiety attack, from the fear that my best friend would leave me and talk to him for 2/3 of the semester.

The first day of classes came and I entered my classroom. My best friend and Q were already sitting down, I sat on the chair beside my best friends. She introduced me to Q, who reached out his hand to me and said “Nice to meet you.” A little stunned it took me a while to shake his hand and say “hi.”

The moment he said those four words to me, I realized, he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. Days and weeks passed, and I got to know him more. I spent more time with him and my best friend. Of course in the first few weeks, his presence kind of annoyed me. But as time passed, we both became more comfortable with each other and I now talk to him the same way I talk to my best friend.

I found out from my best friend that Q broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks before the semester started, and I was surprised, because they were considered a power couple in our college. So now he is single (as far as I know). His relationship status didn’t really matter to me, because even after being friends with Q, I promised myself I would never, ever have a crush on him.

That all changed when the second semester arrived.

My best friend invited me to an event, and when I arrived early at the venue, I bumped into Q who happened to be invited as well. It was a semi-formal event, so it was the first time Q saw me in a dress (he was so surprised he said to me sarcastically, “I’m not used to seeing you without your pants.”). We were alone for 5 minutes until my best friend finally arrived. It was a weird being alone with him, because whenever I’m with him, my best friend would always be there too. It was weird, but for some reason it felt nice being alone with him. The night went on as usual – all my other friends arrived, we ate dinner, the program started, we laughed, and all – then we began asking each other what time we’d be going home. Q asked me what time I was going home, and I told him I was going to leave sometime before midnight. Then he replied, “Okay, I’ll go home the same time as you.” At first I didn’t believe him, because he had other closer friends in the party. But when it was time for me to leave, he left too, which surprised me. We went down together to the lobby, and we were alone again for a few minutes while waiting for my parents to pick me up. We talked a little until my car finally arrived, I told him I had to go, and he said he had to go too, but I didn’t see his car. He noticed I was confused and said, “Oh, my car was there the whole time, I was just waiting for you to leave.” We said our goodbyes and I left in my car.

At the end of the night, I realized I was smiling uncontrollably.

And that’s when I knew… I had a crush on Q.

I told my best friend a few days later, and she just laughed.

We’re still friends until now. We’re no longer classmates, but Q, my best friend and I still study and hang out together.

It’s funny because 3 years ago, when I knew his face and name, I promised myself I’d never have a crush on a guy like Q, but the more I got to know him, I realized he wasn’t the guy I thought he was. All I can say to myself now is, “Shit, what did I get myself into?”

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