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Archive for September, 2014

Thought Catalog

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Now that I can officially say that I’ve been putzing around Earth for a grand total of 20 years, I think it’s time to share a few nuggets of wisdom I’ve been exposed to within my first days of no longer being cursed by teenager-dom.

1. No one else can make you happy.

This is one thing everyone always tells you and that you know you should understand, but never quite believe until it hits you over the head with a baseball bat. Friends, family and significant others are all amazing people to have in your life and while they will probably smile and rub your back while you vent about your problems, no one can completely solve them except you.

2. Material things break.

Obviously. That favorite ceramic mug one of your best friends gave you a couple birthdays ago, the same one you dropped and shattered the other day, won’t…

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Thought Catalog

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning…

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Reading Ao Haru Ride made me think about the person I was when I was fifteen.

When I was 15 I was so obsessed with the thought of love. I clearly remember, I spent that summer watching every single shoujo, romance anime I could find. And I was so caught up with the emotion. I felt a lightness every time I came across a sweet moment in an anime. I even had a name to that feeling – the light-fluffy-cloud-feeling. It was so strong, it made me feel happy.

I grew up in an all girl’s school, so I’ve never really interacted with boys until I was almost seventeen. Watching these romance animes made me think and wish that my life could become an anime, just like those of Ao Haru Ride, or Kimi ni Todoke.

But that’s not the case.

I got to hang around with boys more often when I was in my senior year of high school. I’ve received a few confessions from them, and it was all so new to me, that I would say I liked them too, to the guys I actually had small crushes on. As time went by, I realized love like in the animes is completely impossible. Every single guy I liked and then turned down, went crazy or turned too depressed, to the point I cut them off almost completely.

It was worse going into college. When I thought things were going to be different things only got worse. More guys confessed to me and it was either I turned them down (and they turned much crazier than the guys in high school; I cut them off completely) or I got heartbroken myself. It was definitely hard to stand.

I’ve started reading and watching shoujo manga less and less when I entered college. As I read Ao Haru Ride right now, I don’t feel the light-fuffy-cloud-feeling like I used to back when I was in high school. I only feel pain and bitterness. The thought that shoujo anime/manga expectations never happen in reality is just really crushing.

It’s as if I’ve really been given a huge taste of reality.

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Every year, our school holds this inter-organization dance competition, and his org was one of the participants. He has been part of his org’s dance troupe since freshman year, and I had never seen him dance, ever.

Last year, one of our classes required us to attend 10 theatre plays, variety shows and the like, one of them was that dance competition. My friends and I decided to watch it, and at the same time cheer on our friends who were participating in the competition. I used this as an excuse to watch him dance, because I’ve never seen him dance. And in that year’s competition, he was one of the main performers.

At that time, he had already confessed to me, and I had already said I liked him too, but we did nothing more than that.

I told him I was going to watch the dance competition and I could tell he was kind of excited.

That night, while I was lining up, I texted him good luck. We started talking to each other for a while. He was hoping his team would get in to the final round, and I decided to motivate him even more. I told him that if his team made it into the final round, I would run to him and give him one big hug, so he had to do his best. He didn’t really show a lot of emotion when I said that, but I knew he liked the idea.

The competition began, and I really enjoyed all the performances before his team’s. I was actually really nervous for him, because I really wanted him to advance to the finals (and at the back of my mind I really wanted to give him that hug).

When it was finally his team’s turn to perform, I sat on the edge of my seat and watched.

I can’t describe in detail how the overall performance was, but all I could say was. The concept was amazing, and he was amazing. I could feel my heart pounding and my face flushing. It was my first time seeing his dance, and I just felt like as if I fell for him even more right then and there. My friends were staring at me and the next thing I knew, I was curled up in a ball on my chair, blushing really hard.

I texted him afterwards and congratulated him. He was being modest when he replied saying it wasn’t his best performance, but I could tell deep down, he was happy I saw him dance.

Unfortunately, his team didn’t make it into the finals that year. I was sad for him of course, but as soon as the competition ended, I went out to the back door and gave him that big hug anyway (two hugs actually). He had to leave for a team dinner, but he decided to sit by a tree for a long while with me. We just started talking, and he promised that one day (if he still liked me) we’d slow dance together, and I liked that idea. We both didn’t wanna leave at that moment.

The slow dance never happened. He ended things before that time came.

Of course things are much different now. I blocked him both on my Facebook and my phone. We never talk, and I always ignore him every time we pass by each other.

Last night was this year’s dance competition, but I decided not to watch, because I left school early, I had no friends to watch with, and obviously he was going to be there.

Later that night I was on my laptop, and the results of the competition came out.

His organisation’s crew made it to the finals.

After finding that out, I felt something… like a painful but happy feeling in my chest. I was happy for him, but I was sad at the same time.

I’m not really sure if he did dance with his crew during last night’s competition. But I couldn’t help but wonder what could have happened if they won last year instead of this year. What if he didn’t end things 8 months ago, and we were still together. If I watched his performance and found out that they made it to the finals then and there. Would I have given him a huge hug too?

The feeling was just really painful to bear, I almost fell into another state of mild depression, and I felt extremely stupid for feeling such a feeling.

It doesn’t mean I miss him though. I don’t miss him… at all. I missed the memory, probably. But I don’t miss the person himself. I still don’t want to talk to him honestly.

I’m assuming it was probably the nostalgia that made me feel this way. Making me snap back to the past and remember all the painful bittersweet memories we had together. For a moment I nearly misunderstood it as missing him… as still liking him. But I don’t like him. I’m back to the present, and I never want to remember these memories ever again.

I’m honestly really sad things had to be this way – ignoring him and all. But with the way things are now , I don’t want him back and I don’t think I ever will.

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A few months ago, we started talking again.

He messaged me first.

I was hesitant, but I decided to reply to him a few days later. Not because I wanted to be friends again, but I wanted to see how he would react if he got he wanted – finally mending ties with me and at the same time loving his girlfriend. It was a normal conversation, except I was using very little emoticons, because I was mad. But he was patient with me, and that really pissed me off to be honest.

I subtly brought up his girlfriend. He didn’t saying anything about it other than it not being a happy news. The a few days later I brought it up again, and I found out… they broke up.

I wasn’t happy obviously, but I didn’t feel bad for him. I just told him to cheer up, even if it doesn’t work when people say that. He told me he was a mess, but I didn’t know what to say other than… actually I don’t remember what I said, but I definitely did not sound comforting. Despite that, he was still patient with me, and we continued talking to each other.

I didn’t consider him as my friend, I felt like he didn’t deserve to be my friend after everything he’s done to me. But I wanted to start talking to him again, because I didn’t want things to be awkward with us. We study in the same school together, and our school campus is really small, I can’t just avoid him for the rest of my college life. At that time I thought we could be just acquaintances, someone I just… knew. But nothing more than that.

One day I was alone, I didn’t have anyone to eat lunch with. He was the only person I knew who was free, so I texted him. He was surprised, but he said he was okay with lunch. So we met up. We talked. And he noticed I was different. More laid-back and sarcastic… a little bitchy, because I was cursing more often. We talked about everything that’s happened in the last eight months. Apparently he was in Japan, and he bought me something. He showed it to me, but I told him I didn’t want it. He insisted but I said no (or I would have seriously stood up and left). We talked about his ex-girlfriend. He admitted he made a mistake and he was sorry. He said moving on from me wasn’t easy as well (if that was the case, why the hell did he break it off?!), and he thought ending things would make him happier. I just sat there listening to him, because I had nothing (kind) to say. We talked some more until I had to go to class, and he took me there.

To me, that lunch felt like any normal lunch we had together in the past. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t totally angry. To be honest, I thought slowly, we’d be okay with each other again, but only as friends, and nothing more. I thought things were going to be… okay.

But no.

The next day, we had recollection about love and marriage, his was in the morning and mine was in the afternoon. While I was eating breakfast that morning, he miscalled me. I wondered what was going on, so I called him back. I asked what was wrong and it sounded as if, he didn’t want to say it on the phone. I asked if he wanted to meet before my recollection, and he agreed.

We met up and I asked him to say what was going on. He looked nervous and lost for words at first, but I told him to just hurry up and speak. He told me about everything that’s happened in the last few weeks. He told me he saw signs… signs pointing to me and he was confused. During the recollection they had a couples talk, and he realized something. He realised after everything that’s happened, I was the person being patient with him, and he was really grateful for that. He told me how much I’ve changed and he liked that too… then he just said it…

He liked me again.

And I could feel myself just shut down. I knew this was going to happen. I had a huge feeling this was going to happen. I wasn’t feeling happy… quite the opposite actually…

I was feeling dread, and confusion, I just totally blacked out in my head.

It took me a while to snap back to what was happening. Then, as if the emotional side of me just took over, I asked him to hold my hand. In my mind, I knew I was doing an extremely stupid thing, I wanted to slap my self (kill myself actually), but I guenss that side of me just wanted to see if there was still anything when I held his hand… if I still felt something.

He was hesitant at first, because he thought I was going to break his arm, but he held it.

And I felt nothing.

And that was it. I didn’t like him anymore.

Every single happy feeling was finally drained out by all the shit and pain I went through after he ended things.

So while holding his hand, I told him we can’t be together anymore. After everything he put me through, why the hell would I want him back? He didn’t deserve a second chance and he knew that. But he just wanted me to know he liked me again and that he wanted to win me back. I kept discouraging him, but he kept insisting. He gave me a series of hugs before I went to my recollection. I didn’t refuse (as if the emotional side of me decided to take over and give in). He looked like I was in top of the world, and I felt like… well… shit.

Once I entered my recollection room, my mind immediately snapped back in control, and I felt horrible. I wanted to kill myself, because I handled it so stupidly. I shouldn’t have held his hand, I should have pushed him away when he gave me 3 hugs. Right then and there I was ashamed of myself, and I wanted to just drop dead and die. Throughout the entire recollection I was restless. I had no one to talk to, and I needed to tell someone quick. After the recollection I called my friends I told them what happened. One of them gave me a huge sermon as to control myself next time, because I think I just gave him even more motivation to win me back. I knew that honestly, I just wasn’t thinking properly and acted out of impulse. For two weeks, I hated myself. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall.

Took me a long time to cool down, but once I did I managed to start thinking clearly again. If I really wanted him to stop liking me, I needed to be consistent and show that I really didn’t want him back. So I decided to stop talking to him.

He messaged me again after a few days, and I told him straight-out, that we should stop talking for now, because I was busy (which was mostly true, because I had to study for exams). He was sad, but he understood. Two days later, he messages me again, and I started getting really annoyed now at his persistence. I explained to him at that point about how I was feeling really uncomfortable with him sending me sweet pictures (things he would send me when we were still together), and I told him I wanted to give up on me and just move on. I understood that it was going to be hard for him, but if he plans to move on from me eventually, we first need to stop talking to each other. So we did.

Or so I thought.

He still didn’t stop. He sent me a text two days later, and rather than just snapping at him, I ignored the message. I started getting really scared at this point, because I have no idea what he wants to do anymore. I didn’t feel safe when I was with him anymore. I honestly felt like my personal space was being threatened. My friends we scared for me as well, just as much as I was scared for myself. We didn’t talk again for almost a week.

But then one Friday, he messaged me asking to meet up and settle things once and for all (when I thought I gave him all the closure he needed). At that point I just reached my limit and snapped, especially because he texted me right before an important oral exam… which I was already dead nervous. I replied back and told him to meet me and this time and this place. If he didn’t show up in ten minutes, I would leave.

He agreed to it, and we met up after a few hours. Two of my friends were looking out for me ten feet away, because they didn’t want to leave me alone with him (and because I was genuinely scared at this point). I didn’t even stay calm in front of him anymore, I was pretty much screaming at him (and my friends could tell from afar because they could see my large hand movements). I told him that if we both want him to move on from me, we should stop talking to each other. He kept explaining to me again how sorry he was and how many mistakes he had made. But honestly, I was starting to get really tired of all the things he was saying. I told him again, to give up on me and stop talking to me for 6-8 months. He said that was too long, but I said it was either that or I would never talk to him again.

But before I could say more, my friends decided to pull me away. Before I could leave, he stopped me again, and said he wanted to show me something. I followed him out of politeness, and then he asked me if I received a flower from anyone this week (Note: that week was the week people were giving flowers to their crushes and lovers). I immediately knew what he was going to do, and I said no immediately. He kept insisting I keep it anyway, but I continued to turn him down, because I knew that if I did take the flower, I would be giving him hope, and that’s that last thing I want to give him right now. I wanted him to move on, and for that to happen, I have to stop accepting things from him.

He still wouldn’t stop insisting, and at that point I was so mad, I snapped. I felt like my voice was getting louder and I juste topped thinking. I felt like I created a scene in that area, my friends were looking at me (hell the was a guy staring at us from a bench 2 feet away. My friends called me again, and I told him I was leaving.

Of course I felt really bad for turning him down, but I knew it was for the best for both of us. The last thing I needed right then and there was to like him again, and I plan never to like him that way again. He had made it 1000% impossible for us to be together again, and we both have to accept that.

The next day, my friends blocked him for me on Facebook.

A few days later, I met up with my college friends, and I found out, he posted an extremely long post ON FACEBOOK about everything that had happened, from the day he confessed to me again to the day I rejected the flower (which apparently was really expensive). It also said how much of a mess he was. While all my friends said they felt bad for him… I didn’t. I don’t want to sound mean, but as much as I do want to say I feel bad for him, I have lost all capability to feel bad for him. I felt heartless and it didn’t feel good at all. I was pissed, because I felt like my privacy had been disrespected. He didn’t mention any names, sure, but any person who knew the both of us knew he was talking about me. And I felt really disrespected by that post, as if I became the bad guy (which I probably was). After seeing that post, I blocked him on my phone’s contact list.

It’s been almost 2 months now since we haven’t talked. We pass by each other in school, but I just end up looking away. Honestly, I’m fine if he never talks to me again. I feel lonelier, sure, but I definitely do not miss him. I think I’ve moved on pretty much. I have a new crush to admire, and I’m doing okay in school and in life in general. After everything that’s happened between us over the past year, I no longer feel safe with him anymore.

I feel like a terrible person right now. But if I know this will be for the best for the two of us, then so be it, right?

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