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Archive for May, 2014

Thought Catalog

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1. You sort of catch on that the guy you’ve been talking to might have feelings for you, and that freaks you out.

2. Like, you’re filled with a combination of confusion and inexplicable dread. The type of inexplicable dread that just weighs on you, paralyzes you.

3. Being physically intimate with someone is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. “This guy is going to see me naked? Who gives a fuck?” But if he asks you about your goals, or fears, or god forbid, what you want out of this relationship, your mouth seals shut tighter than a bank vault and you’re all, “uhh…ehhh….mehhh…meep,” because you’ve forgotten what words are, and the best you can utter is an, “I don’t know, like, I, uh…I don’t know.”

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4. But that’s only because you, like, don’t really know what you want, but you know what you don’t want, and you could never…

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Thought Catalog

Gianni CumboGianni Cumbo

1. The idea that life isn’t enjoyed until you’re in a relationship is archaic and false.

If you feel like you’re being held back somehow by not being in a relationship, chances are good it’s because you’re holding yourself back because you think you don’t measure up somewhere. Just because you don’t have someone to whisper sweet nothings in your ear doesn’t mean you don’t have love in your life.

2. There is power in being single.

It is a different power from the symbiotic power of a partner in crime — no better, and no worse. Saying that your single status is freedom is not to say that a relationship is a shackle, but rather an acknowledgement that you can use this time and this freedom to do what you want to do and go where you want to go.

3. It’s not a matter of you…

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Why can’t he just leave me alone?

5 weeks ago, I found a way to make him back off. When I realized it was too hard to be casual with him again, I told him to back off, and (after he wrote a long chat message attempting to explain himself), I haven’t heard from him since.

Feels great not seeing his face or hearing his voice. It’s as if we’ve never met. For the past few weeks I’ve been living my life normally – going to summer school, studying, doing extra-curricular work, eating and sleeping. Surprisingly, I’m feeling good about my life. I feel much better when he’s not around. No anxiety attacks, no pain, and no hesitation. When I’m away from him, I feel like my mind can think clearly.

Of course I still have moments of depression whenever I listen to a familiar song or remember a bittersweet memory. There was one time I remembered seeing him in school over the summer term, and I just felt a rush of anger. But life isn’t worth dwelling over the past.

What matters is, I don’t see or talk to him. And as long as he doesn’t bother me then I’m happy.

But then 2 days ago, I went on my tumblr, and I noticed that I received an anonymous message that said:

yo i see your posts on facebook and i really think you shouldn’t give up on love. Just because one guy hurt you doesn’t mean others will too. Who knows, maybe he thinks about you sometimes. Maybe something will happen between you two again, maybe nothing will. But if you give up on it entirely nothing’s going to happen at all, with anybody. You gotta stay strong. You’ll find the right one. A beautiful girl like you won’t have any trouble at all, it just takes a little time.

Of course I thought it was a thoughtful thing to say, so I just thanked the person. But I was suspicious, because:

  1. The sender is my Facebook friend.
  2. The sender knows my Tumblr
  3. Only less than 10 of my Facebook friends know I have a Tumblr account.
  4. No one sends me anonymous messages on Tumblr.

And for a moment, I really did assume that he sent me the Tumblr anon. But I didn’t really bother about it until a friend of mine told me it was him.

Of course when I found out I was furious, because I clearly told (and want) him to back off.

And this wasn’t just the first time. Ever since he ended things, he’d try to check up on me. He took almost every opportunity he could to ask how I was, and how much he wanted to talk to me again. And it’s messages like these that give me nothing but confusion and mixed signals. And it angers me. I don’t know why, but it angers me.

Until now I still wonder why he still wants to keep me as a friend. I asked that the last time we met, and he wouldn’t give me any answer aside from, “I don’t know, I just do.”

I’m brought back to that time, on the day he ended things. When his last word to me was, “Maybe.” Maybe I’ll be his girlfriend in the future, maybe we’ll end up together again. Maybe… but we’ll never know.

That word is such a hopeful word, but I learned not to rely on that anymore. I’ve given up on “maybes” and “what ifs”, because after the shit he’s put me through, I am very sure there will be no more “maybes”.

My friends hate him, my mother hates him even more. If it was already 95% impossible for us to be together when we were still together, he has made it 150% impossible for us to ever get back together.

From what I understood from everything he has said to me, it’s like I’m being treated like a back-up plan. Like he’s saving me for the future. Like if all else fails, he’ll run back to me, because he knows I will always be there.

But if he did have a plan to come back to me in the future, then he shouldn’t have left in the first place. He should have been patient, just like he promised me he would. It wouldn’t be right if he left, just to come back to me at a better time.

Well the damage is done, the past is in the past. And right now, I think it’s best that he just stays away, and treats me as if we’ve never met.

I will never, ever want him back… And it still pains me to accept that.

 

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Thought Catalog

As a lanky, gangly human being with rather large hands and feet — I’m the physical epitome of awkward. In addition, I’m often tentative, unsure of myself, indecisive and sporadically shy. This results in the occasional awkward moment when I’m in a social environment. Over my years of experience, I’ve developed a few techniques that can reduce the uneasy vibes radiating from an awkward body.

1. Either don’t initiate any hugs or handshakes, or initiate all of them. Part of being awkward is devastatingly bad timing and hesitance when extending a hand or arms to greet someone. Nothing is more embarrassing than trying to play off being snubbed, so don’t even put yourself in that position. If you can’t firmly decide to either go in for the fist bumps, high fives, embraces etc. — don’t bother! Extending a hand and having it return to yourself untouched is easily in life’s ten…

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Thought Catalog

You clicked on this article? Like that decision, it’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do next.

If you want to, look at yourself in the mirror. Look at the creases in the palms of your hands. Maybe your hands are a little shaky. Maybe they’re small and bony, or maybe they’re big and strong. Maybe your hands have blisters. Now remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished already, and what you dream of accomplishing next. Think big.

If you want to, think about the present for a moment — the good and the bad.

If you’re also willing to, let’s reminisce on the past — the good and the bad — it doesn’t seem so black and white anymore, does it?

Neither our present nor our future has to be so black and white either, although that may be hard to grasp right now. Especially when we feel…

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Thought Catalog

Amy Clarke / flickr.comAmy Clarke / flickr.com

I’m both better and worse than I could have ever imagined. Worse because of all of the things I’ve done — things I said I’d never do. Worse because of all of the ways I’ve been played, manipulated, and tossed aside. Worse because I care when they couldn’t care less. Worse because they found someone else and I’m alone. Worse because I don’t sleep at night. Worse because I’m 22 and still weak for my family’s love and validation.

But I’m better because I’ve weathered all this and yet I still serve some happiest-person-in-the-world realness. Better because people only know I’m sad when I tell them. Better because I’m pretty much a fashion icon. Better because I’ve had an impact on people. Better because my college will notice when I’m gone. Better because I’m still alive.

These small bruises on my knuckles serve as a reminder…

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Thought Catalog

Falling in love is one of the hardest things a person could possibly go through, especially if it’s not your first fall. It’s so easy to love a person for the way they are, to see beauty in the way they laugh at jokes only they understand or the way their eyes look concentrated on a glowing highway going 120 kph. It’s so easy to fall in love with nose kisses and beard rash and that short little giggle that’s used only for you, it’s so easy to fall in love with moments with people and to get so wrapped up in the world they share with you, the part of your life that’s whole and golden that you forget to bulletproof your heart.

Love is unhealthy. It stings, it rips at the very core of your being, it makes you vulnerable and exposed to the elements. Once you start…

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