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Archive for April, 2014

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When I was 10 years old, I had a huge crush on Hayden Christensen (aka Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars Episodes II and III). He was my very first celebrity crush, and it was also the first time I felt like my heart was going to burst from happiness.

Pretty stupid, I know, but hey I was a little girl (… in love with a guy almost three times my age back then). I didn’t really know what I was thinking.

But the point is this is the first time I felt, what I thought before were the signs of love (well “celebrity crush” love at least). Whenever I saw him on TV, my heart would beat so fast that I’d start screaming. Just the thought of possibly meeting him made me grin from cheek to cheek. Back then when I liked Hayden Christensen, I thought one day, I’d meet him, spend a day with him and hope he’d see something in me that he liked.

And again, I’d like to apologize for my childhood fantasies, but these feelings were legit.

When I was a child I was so obsessed with love, so obsessed with happily ever afters.

During that summer, I remembered going to a mall in San Francisco, and my cousin and I came across a Hallmark store. My cousin was also obsessed with the thought of love back then (she had a huge crush on Jon Bon Jovi), and as soon as we saw the store, we rushed straight to the greeting cards section.

I remember the both of us looking through almost every Valentine’s Day and Wedding greeting card. We’d open them up and read the cheesy poems. Then we’d start smiling, giggling and wishing that one day either Hayden Christensen or Jon Bon Jovi would say those sweet things to us.

While walking around the rest of the Hallmark store, my cousin and I noticed a spinning rack with quotes engraved and decorated around it on what looked like ceramic. We were both so drawn to them, that my cousin decided that we should get one each. My cousin got one that was painted purple on the sides, and she told me that the quote written on hers reminded her of Jon Bon Jovi.

So I decided to look for something that reminded me of Hayden Christensen. I found it hard looking for a quote, because none of them really made sense to me. but then just when I was about to give up hope, one of the quotes caught my eye. It was painted in red and white stripes on the edges, large multi-colored beads decorated the hanger, and the quote was written in black on a white surface. 

The quote, I thought, was short, simple, and it made a whole lot of sense…

And they lived happily ever after”

My cousin told me it was a good choice, and we both hoped that one day I would get my happily ever after with Hayden Christensen.

I only realized later on (when I was much older) that this quote would mean a much bigger thing to me.

I stopped liking Hayden Christensen years ago. But whenever I look at this quote, I still can’t help but hope that one day I will find my happily ever after. Of course not with Hayden Christensen… but with someone.

Someone who will love me the way I will love them.

And we will definitely live happily ever after.

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Every person has a breaking point.

And it feels like I’ve reached mine a long time ago (it just temporarily drains out through the countless breakdowns I’ve had over the past 5 months).

I may be overreacting about all this… but I’ve just had enough.

I’ve had enough with this emotional shit. I’ve had enough of the heartbreak and pain I had to deal with over the last few months. I’ve had enough of remembering and forcing to forget. I’ve had enough with explanations, excuses and promises-turned-to-lies.

I’ve had enough with anxiety attacks. Please tell me how to stop them, because they just hurt so much. I don’t want anymore hyperventilating and uncontrollable shaking. I’m sick of forcing smiles and faking happiness; being angry, frustrated and bitter.

I’m through with dealing with confessions, and men asking if they still have a chance… I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, SO PLEASE STOP BOTHERING ME WHEN I TURN YOU DOWN. I’m through with caring, through with hoping, through with trying to be nice. I’m sick of loving… sick of love…

So sick of fucking love.

I just want to break down again. Breakdown and release all this built-up stress. But for some reason I can’t.

I am afraid of what everything has turned me into. I’m afraid… confused.

Excuse me while I run away to the corners of my hermit cave,

Because I’m sick of feeling, sick of thinking, sick of trying…

And I’ve just had enough.

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Option

A few nights ago, he texted me, and asked if I was awake.

The stupid girl I was, I replied and asked why?

He said he was bored.

I asked, “Why not talk to your girlfriend (and yes the girl he left me for is now his girlfriend)?”

And he told me that she was probably asleep by now. Moreover, none of his best friends liked to text, so he decided to talk to me, because he wanted someone easy to talk to.

I was infuriated and said, “I am easy to talk to?!”

And he replied, “Well you used to be.”

Then I told him to either finish his anime or go to sleep.

So he slept.

And in that moment, I didn’t even feel like the second option…

I felt like the last option.

And if he only wanted to talk to me just because he was bored, then I’d rather not talk to him at all.

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Thought Catalog

It is at this point where I have to summarize and collate all that I have learned for four years of my life, and even beyond that as I enter a new phase called the undecided.  And I have one thing that’s constant, that it has always been my destiny to produce words out of thin air, for the benefit of myself and for the people who read.  Before I realized this dream fully, I have these people to thank the most.  Some have broken my spirits, some were easy to get over, and some still stayed despite.
Even if I did invest 25%, 50%, and even 75% of myself into these people, I didn’t take nothing out of it.  And so here I present to you a life lesson from each of them– the few list posts I’m ever going to make.

image - Unsplash / Ermin Celikovic image – Unsplash / Ermin Celikovic

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Thought Catalog

Dude.

Dude.

What are you doing? Come on.

When my phone pings and it’s you. Unexpectedly. Again. I am just like, “…” I do not get it. I really want to get it! Please! But your reasoning is just unfathomable to me.

We don’t talk anymore. We’re not friends. You are with someone else. So what is your aim? I really want to know. Is this a game to you? Is it like, “Hey, let’s see if this chick is still willing to respond to me.” Is this funny? Is this meaningless? Does it kill your boredom?

I just…okay. Walk me through your thought process, please. I really just want to understand. I’m going to try to outline it.

We used to hook up. Then we stopped hooking up. Then we stopped hanging out. Then we stopped talking. This was an inordinate amount of time ago. We have nothing to…

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Thought Catalog

image - Flickr / Francisco Antunes image – Flickr / Francisco Antunes


I know. My friends keep throwing me disdainful looks when I talk about how the used-to’s are still-do’s. Sometimes I feel like people are rolling their eyes behind my back. I do not expect anyone to understand.

After we ended, I had no one to run to. So the best thing I could do was gather myself and learn to run from the pain. I try to ignore the snarky comments and the tone of the voices that ask me why, what more do you need, when will you realize… Because believe me, for the past 27 months, I’ve been bothered by my inability to answer those.

But of course I tried hard to move on. This part, most people don’t get. They think I like being depressed. I tried to stay away from home – a small city where everyone you know knows…

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