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Archive for December, 2013

2013

So it’s New Year’s Eve on my corner of the world, and I just want to enumerate most (if not all) of my wonderful and painful memories of 2013.

I can say that I’ve had a lot of “firsts” this year, both good ones and bad.

If people were to ask me right now, “Was this the best year of your life so far?”

… I would say, “I’m not sure.”

But I know one thing is for sure… 2013 is one of the years I will (hopefully) never forget.

So this 2013 I:

  • Someone said “I love you” to me… and meant it
  • Got my first two roses ever during Valentine’s Day
  • First time I ever questioned something, I never thought I’d question.
  • Experienced the wonders of Tumblr.
  • Had my second college crush.
  • Was introduced to new songs by my second college crush.
  • Went to my first ever designer’s conference.
  • Went on a romantic event with my Squirtle doll.
  • Went on one of my first dates with a guy friend.
  • Felt for the first time being cared by someone I barely knew.
  • Went to London for the first time.
  • Went to Scotland for the first time.
  • Went to the Harry Potter Studios in England.
  • Almost bumped into the Queen of England… twice.
  • Had long distance conversations almost everyday with a guy friend for the first time.
  • First time getting chocolates from a guy.
  • Saw Rowan Atkinson in a London play.
  • Experienced the beauty of the English countryside.
  • Started appreciating theatre productions.
  • Had my first adventure with my first college friends.
  • Had English tea.
  • Introduced to new animes.
  • Introduced to new TV series.
  • Don’t just like Benedict Cumberbatch… I LOVE him.
  • Watched Dr. Who for the first time.
  • Became more active in my school organizations.
  • Had very strong feelings for a guy.
  • Had my first dates with the person I liked.
  • Held the hand of the person I liked for the first time.
  • Gave an awkward hug to the person I liked for the first time.
  • Leaned on the shoulder of the person I liked for the first time.
  • Felt loved and cared for by the person I liked for the first time.
  • Had my first heartbreak from the person I liked.
  • Felt my first (mild) depression.
  • Discovered the word “Existential Crisis” and “Cringe Attack”
  • Had the most reunions with my group of best friends in a year.
  • Have never liked a  guy so much in my entire life.
  • Have never felt so much rage over a guy I used to like.
  • Got a 3DS.
  • Played Pokemon X
  • Played Fire Emblem for the first time.
  • Made new friends.
  • Had more college adventures.
  • Went out to eat a lot with my first college friends.
  • Had friends sleep over and do college projects for the first time.
  • Felt the most college stress in my entire life.
  • Broke down from the pressure of school.
  • Broke down in front of my class during a presentation.
  • Learned never to believe in promises ever again.
  • Learned that I am much stronger than I think I am.
  • Learned how to use design softwares.
  • Spent my holidays with the people I love.
  • Made memories worth remembering for the rest of my life.

Just a few more hours before 2014, and I just want to say that 2013 was a generally good year for me.

And I’m hoping 2014 will be much, much better.

Here’s to the new year! To happiness, long life, love and friendship!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!!

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So today I suddenly decided to talk about  my experience and opinions on one of the most commonly discussed topics in the world…

Bullying.

I honestly have no idea why I wanted to talk about this, I just started reflecting about this one night while I was laying on my bed. I’m not ashamed about talking about my experiences from bullying, because it really contributed so much in forming the person I am today.

Yes, I was bullied. I have to admit though that (based on my parents’ stories) I was a weird and problematic child. i wasn’t insane or anything, just spoiled I guess.

I was very introverted at a very young age. When I was in pre-school, the closest I’ve ever gotten to having a friend was my mother. I didn’t have friends, and for some odd reason I  cannot recall a single time in my entire pre-school life where I had one person to call my best friend. I didn’t exactly feel bullied when I was in pre-school, but I was definitely alone, and I couldn’t wait for the time I could leave school and go back home.

The actual bullying started when I reached the first grade. At this point, everyone was starting to form their own groups of friends, and to be honest, I was still alone. I’d move from one group to another, but it never felt like I did belong.

Eventually I did stay in one group that comprised of two people who I call my best friends today. Unfortunately, we were only seven-years-old, and back then we were taught to believe in the “popular” and “unpopular” system.

And we were one of the unpopular groups.

Throughout the entire first grade I had to go through constant name-calling. And sometimes, when we were playing games, I’d always be the one who’d get picked on, because I was extremely clueless with what was going on.

Then things got worse when I reached the second grade. There were three instances where I considered myself very much bullied and threatened.

There was one time when one of my classmates threw my first and favorite set of colored gel pens into one of the school’s toilets, and I couldn’t stop crying the whole afternoon.

I also remembered that time, when I was practicing drawing styles and I decided to try out one of my classmates’ drawing techniques. When she passed by, and realized what I was doing, she took my pencil and vandalized on my paper writing stuff such as “copycat”.

Lastly there was that one time when I was passing my the teachers’ faculty room, and I saw a bunch of folders, and out of curiosity I just decided to look for my cousin’s name on one of the folders (because I was very attached to my cousin at that time, and I was amazed at the fact we were in the same batch). As I was scanning through the folders, one of my cousin’s classmates spotted me and ran away calling for a teacher. Then next thing I know, I enter my classroom, and one of my classmates told me that I was caught “cheating” because I was looking at the front of folders. I was forced to embarrass myself and go inside my cousin’s classroom (with all her classmates staring weirdly at me might I add) just to apologize for something I was falsely accused of.

Fortunately, we were reshuffled when I reached the third grade, and the bullying died down; however the effects of it remained.

Because of bullying, I was scared to talk to people. It was very, very hard to approach people, because I was afraid of what they would have thought of me, and the bullying cycle would repeat all over again. I was afraid of what people thought of me. In the end, I’d either wait for someone to approach me or keep to the small circle of good friends I already had.

I also began taking everything very seriously, even jokes. For the next few years, I couldn’t tell whether my classmates were telling jokes or hurling insults, and every time I’d take it like they meant it. They had to assure me it was only a joke afterwards, because they were scared I would get offended by it (and it showed in my face that I was either offended or just plain confused).

It also had a huge impact on my self-esteem. Because of the constant bullying, my confidence began going lower and lower until it almost reached rock bottom. I felt inferior and insignificant; moreover, I felt nothing I was doing was impressing no one at all. I felt like the world hated me… hated my existence.

The bullying still continued, but it was much, much milder that it was before. It took me three years before I started lightening up again, and by then the bullying stopped all together.

At first I thought I was the only one going through this, but as I grew older, and when I began using the internet, I realized that there are cases of bullying out there that are much, much worse than mine (and it makes me feel very very terrible).

I write this post, not because I want to rant and complain, but to make a point that bullying does have a huge impact on a person’s character, personality and future behavior. I am definitely against bullying, because I can empathize with some (if not most) of the people who are going through it as well.

By the time I reached fifth grade, I was nothing more than the wallflower in the whole batch. No one minded me, and no one bothered to mess with me. But I knew people who were still constantly bullied by our classmates (sometimes they were bullied by 75% of the batch). They were the underdog, just because they were the odd-one-out, and even though I was a wallflower, I couldn’t just stand by and watch them being picked on.

In the end, I became friends with them. I wasn’t the type of friend to talk back at the bullies just to defend them. I was the type that reassured them that they had people to rely on, because I wanted them to know that they weren’t alone. I wanted them to know that right or wrong, I would be there for them if they needed me, and sometimes, just having one good friend to trust makes all the difference when it comes to being bullied.

As I got to high school, I was considered as one of the people in between. I was neither popular nor unpopular. I was just… there. I was nothing more but an invisible wallflower (which I did consider as a good thing, that way no one would bother me). But I still preferred to mingle with the people who others considered as “weird” or “creepy”, and it didn’t bother me at all, because I thought they were very interesting people when you get to know them more.

I can confidently say that my experiences on bullying have formed me into the person I am today. bullying has turned me into a completely different person than I was years ago, both in a good way and a bad way. It has taught me to become a much stronger person, more decisive and more independent.

I am one of the many living proofs that bullying does affect a person’s future behavior. I’m not ashamed to tell people that I was bullied. Actually, I am actually grateful to the bitches and assholes who have called me names and stabbed me in the back.

Because I am pretty (actually very)  happy with the way I turned out today.

Regardless…

Say “NO” to Bullying. 

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Just saying, I am a fan of Sherlock. And Benedict Cumberbatch.

Metro

It’s fair to say, we had a slightly surreal weekend in London in terms of viewing material.

On Saturday, we visited the BFI IMAX and viewed the latest installment of The Hobbit trilogy, where Martin Freeman’s Bilbo Baggins finally came face-to-face with the gigantic form of… Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug the Dragon.

Then on Sunday, we went to the BFI for the first public screening of Sherlock S3E1 The Empty Hearse, where we saw Martin Freeman’s John Watson finally come face to face (once again) with the long thought dead Sherlock Holmes, as played by Benedict Cumberbatch.

And then immediately afterwards, we saw the pair together on stage in the flesh.

It’s fair to say, each screen encounter is dramatically different, yet also slightly similar –neither goes quite how either character expects it to, but at least in the case of Sherlock and John reuniting there isn’t any form of…

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You called yourself the Moon, 
And you called me your Sun.
I was touched. I was happy.
But now you have someone else,
To bring light to your day.
And I’m now nothing but a small and insignificant red star in the distance.

———————————————-

Over the weeks, I’ve been telling myself that I wanted things to go back to the way it used to, and I was hopeful things would in a matter of weeks… I thought life was going to be okay again. I thought everything was going to be okay again.

But I was wrong.

I’ve suddenly realized that things will never go back to the way it used to.

We can never be as friendly as we were in the beginning of the year. We can never hang out as casually as we want to. We can never talk as honestly as we used to. Things will never be the same again.

I’ve noticed… He’s changed. He’s become a different person, much more different than he was months ago. He’s become more… insensitive. Less caring. More distant and unapproachable (but “heartless” would be too harsh of a word). And as friendly as I’m sure he wants to be, I just can’t help but feel that aura around him right now. It frustrates me even more. What’s worse is that I feel like I’ve just lost a close friend. I want to stay friends, but I’m 90% assured that it’s not going to be the same as it used to be.

I’m sure I’ve changed too. I guess you can say, I’ve become heartless… more heartless than I was before I met him. I’ve learned never to trust anyone. Never to give in to feeling. Never expect from promises ever again. I feel much stronger and more independent, but more closed off to the social world. I’ve become more introverted, more reflective, indifferent, and insensitive. I’ve learned to hope, but for other things other than the thought of love. I become a bitch to the world.

Things have changed. We have changed.

And the thought of it hurts. The realization hurts. It hurts even more than the actual rejection.

In the end, I’ve just given up. I don’t want to look back anymore, and hope that things will be back to normal.

We learn from the past, and we either become better or worse because of it. There is no such thing as “being the same person as I used to be”, because as much as we’d like to think of it that way, in one way or another, we have changed.

Looking back at the past and reliving it for a moment gives nothing but temporary relief, nostalgia, and happiness. In the end, we have to realize that we have become completely different people, because of the decisions we have made.

And we have no choice but to carry that change as we move forward (regardless of what the future brings).

Because, honestly, that’s the only direction we can go.

It’s the only direction I can go.

I’m sorry.

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It feels like I’ve forgotten how to live…

I want to be inspired again.
I want to listen to Owl City and be swept away by his lyrics,
And drift off into my own world.
A world only I can go. My nostalgia.

I want to draw as passionately as I used to.
Sit in front of the TV, watch anime,
While I draw on my small wooden table whatever I see.

I want to watch and appreciate Shoujo romance anime again.
I want to feel that Light Fluffy Cloud Feeling whenever I do.
Believe that love can be just like the animes,
And daydream about the sweet high school romance that I will never have.

I want to read my historical romance novels again,
And be immersed in the passion of love that the characters feel,
While appreciating the Victorian London scene.

I want to have tea/coffee time again.
Sit in a coffee shop, with a plate of salad, soup and cake,
Drink a nice cup of coffee/tea,
As I close my eyes, be soothed by the smooth jazz music,
And wishing I could set up my own cafe.

I want to feel Christmas again.
Breathe in the cool Christmas air.
Walk around the malls, and sing along to the Christmas carols.
Have a grand dinner or barbecue with the family.
Attend mass together, and later on open Christmas gifts.

I want to live again.
I want to feel again.
I want to feel like a child again.
I want to believe in wishes again.
I want to be happy again.
I want to be hopeful again…

For the future.

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So here’s a realization I suddenly had…

4 out of my 7 older cousins are currently in relationships.
Two of them used to be in relationships (and I think they’re about to get into new relationships again).
My 16-year-old cousin used to be in a relationship.
My 13-year-old cousin already has an MU.
My childhood friend is in a relationship.
Some of my course mates are starting to have relationships.
Heck everywhere in my college I see people in relationships.
The guy I used to like, and who just ended things between us 4 weeks ago is with another girl.

I just got heartbroken.

And here I am in front of my laptop, mad at the world, questioning… WHY?!

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There’s this sudden rage, anger and jealousy that’s starting to bubble inside of me…

And now, I suddenly have the urge to smack someone with the hardest substance on earth in the face…

Should I be worried? Because I am afraid of all the things I’m thinking about in my head.

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