I’ve liked a few guys over the last couple of years, but no guy has ever affected me so much as the last one had.
I never thought it would happen. I didn’t expect it to happen. But I was happy it did happen.
Without digging deep into the details, I liked a guy. He liked me first, and it took me months before I said I liked him too.
We started off as strangers in the same class, then we became groupmates. Eventually, we started sending long text messages to each other, and I guess you could call it our thing. Months passed, we got closer and closer to each other, and I started calling him one of my good college friends. More months passed, and the next thing we knew, it was already summer. We spent almost everyday with each other, and he turned into one of my closest college friends.
He was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, he was different. He was a gentleman, and he cared for me even when I never asked for it. He’d open my doors, grabbed the bill from me during our weekly lunches, and stayed with me when I was alone. He was also funny and interesting to talk to. We had our similarities and differences, but whenever I was talking to him, I never got bored…
For some reason, I never got bored.
As I said, he said he liked me first. Initially, I didn’t know what to say. Took me weeks before I could give him a reply, because I wasn’t sure if things were going to work out. I was 95% sure things wouldn’t work out (and for reasons I do not wish to disclose). Despite that, I thought, “But he is such a nice guy, and he makes me happy.”, and I decided to take the risk, because I thought he was going to be worth the risk. I said I liked him too, and that was the truth.
Despite my doubts, it was the truth.
He made my life much happier for the next few months. We never became classmates again, but we’d meet during our similar breaks. He’d say cheesy things to me (and I hated cheesy, but despite that I couldn’t help but smile), and we’d go somewhere less crowded, and listen to music that he said “reminded him of me”. We’d have lunch every Friday, and afterwards, look for a place to stay and talk to kill time.
I clearly remembered that one time when it was raining hard, and I was at a building quite far from the main campus. He texted me, and said he’d fetch me, because he didn’t want me to get wet. I told him I had an umbrella, but he insisted anyway. And while I was reading our conversation, I couldn’t help but feel warm inside and smile.
We were never in a relationship, but I thought we were getting there.
I knew I was in danger, because like I said, I was warned that this wasn’t going to work out. But I didn’t care, because I thought he was worth it. And he made me happy. What could be wrong about that?
But then the long break came, and we grew more and more distant. And a few days ago, we met up again, we talked, and he said he wanted to end things for now (because of reasons I don’t want to explain).
We decided to end it… he decided to end it. And that was that.
Of course I was sad, I didn’t want it all to end yet. It was my first ever heartbreak. I cried non-stop for two days. I had needed my friends, so I went to look for them. And I told them everything. Four of them said they wanted to kill him (one specifically said she wanted to castrate him, and the other one wanted to maul him. And sometimes I can’t help but laugh and love my friends even more when they say this.).
I not mad, because really… I was expecting this to happen sooner or later.
It hurt, it really, really hurt, but I knew dwelling over the pain wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t change his mind. So I forced myself to carry on.
Currently, I’m trying to get my life back on track. I’ve tried to keep myself occupied with other things. I stopped socializing with people for awhile, and became more immersed in schoolwork, drawing and watching TV shows. For a while I was very occupied with a design job for one of my school organizations. I think I even subconsciously signed up for volunteer work… My friends also tried to distract me by inviting me to lunch, or telling me jokes and funny stories (I really appreciate them doing that, and I love them very very much <3).
It’s been almost a week since then, and I’m feeling much better. But the pain still remains.
I haven’t talked to him since he last checked up on me. We agreed not to talk to each other for a while, but every time I see him, every time we pass by each other in school, my anxiety acts up and my chest starts to hurt. I wanted to break down, I really did.
At this point it’s not the heartbreak that hurts anymore, but it’s the fact that we’ve suddenly become so distant from each other. We no longer wave, we no longer say “hi”. It’s as if we never met; as if we’re total strangers. And it hurts, because I feel like I’ve just lost friend.
I want to stay friends with him, I really do. I want to talk to him already. I want to start a conversation. Send a text message and apologize for what a snob I’ve probably come off to him.
I always tell myself…
Right now, there are two sides of me:
1. The realistic side that’s telling me, “Look away, and move on.”
2. The idealistic, and hopeful Disney side that says, “Just one more look before I go.”
… And they are constantly in war.
Right now, I can’t trust myself to talk to him. It’s hard for me to determine right now whether I want to talk to him, because I miss him, or because I want to end this silent awkwardness between us and just get to the “let’s be friends” part.
Half of me still wishes things went back what they were, and the other half just wants to be his close friend. And I don’t know which of the two will be in control when I start talking to him again.
So right now, I’ll just have to bear with it (as much as it will pain and frustrate me).
I still remember his last words before we split….
Maybe.
Maybe, he explained, things will work out in the future. Maybe we will end up together. Maybe, but not now.
Maybe… but I’m not gonna get my hopes up on that single word anymore.
I still don’t know what to feel about all that’s happened, but I definitely know that I no longer like him the way I used to.
Right now, all I care about is rebuilding the friendship we used to have. If I have to start with simple introductions all over again, I would.
This guy, he’s different from all the rest for some reason. He’s not the perfect guy, but I thought he was close to perfect. He is a nice guy, and he cared for me… He says he still cares for me. He made me happy, and I will never stop saying how happy he had made me. And even though it’s still painful, I will never regret ever meeting him. He’s changed me (and I hope I’ve changed him in some way too).
I’ve lost too many good friends because of almost-similar situations like these, and I don’t want this to end up like the rest.
I hate losing friendships… not like this.
Read Full Post »
