Archive for November, 2013

During the long break, we Skyped with each other, and he showed me this beautiful sparkling sapphire-blue gem.

I asked him if it was real, but he replied “I don’t think so.”, but he still decided to give it to me anyway, because he knew I loved the color of sapphires. Of course at first, I said I didn’t want it, but he insisted. And I replied, “Fine, fine, whatever you say.”

But on the inside, it warmed my heart, because he knew me so well.

I didn’t care if it was real or plastic, it was the thought that counts.

A few weeks ago, before we ended things, he gave me the gem. I asked him, “What the heck am I going to do with this?”

He replied, “I don’t know,” and he said something else like “put it somewhere in your house” (I’m not really sure I remember)

But I didn’t want to leave it lying around my house. I was afraid I was going to lose it, or my parents were going find it. I wanted to keep it close to me, so I kept it inside my pencil case.

On the day, we ended it all, I brought out the sapphire gem (let’s just call it that, even though it’s not a real gem). I asked him again, “What will I do with this?”

He replied, “I don’t know… throw it away or something. It’s not real anyway.” (not his exact words but that’s how I understood it)

But I said, “No.”

It was too precious to me now, even though he only gave it to me 3 weeks ago. I told him I’d keep it in a box together with the stuff that were too memorable to throw away, and I put the gem back in my pencil case.

I had completely forgotten about it for a moment, then earlier today, I noticed it hidden underneath all my pens and highlighters inside my pencil case.

Until now it’s still in my pencil case.

…  and I still don’t know what to do with it.Image


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Every time I pass by you, every time I accidentally catch a glimpse of you, my mind begins to race, and I start thinking to myself,

Do I really no longer mean anything to you? Am I no longer that special?
Was everything worth it?

Half of me says, Everything he’s said were lies. I was a fool, a stupid idiot.

The other half of me says, But I don’t want to think that way. He made me happy, he made my past few months worth living. 

Sometimes I just can’t help but doubt and hesitate… and it drives me shit crazy. Honestly, I just want to stop thinking about it. Move on, stay friends, and just… be normal.

I’m okay, but sometimes I just don’t know how okay I am.

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I’ve liked a few guys over the last couple of years, but no guy has ever affected me so much as the last one had.

I never thought it would happen. I didn’t expect it to happen. But I was happy it did happen.

Without digging deep into the details, I liked a guy. He liked me first, and it took me months before I said I liked him too.

We started off as strangers in the same class, then we became groupmates. Eventually, we started sending long text messages to each other, and I guess you could call it our thing. Months passed, we got closer and closer to each other, and I started calling him one of my good college friends. More months passed, and the next thing we knew, it was already summer. We spent almost everyday with each other, and he turned into one of my closest college friends.

He was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, he was different. He was a gentleman, and he cared for me even when I never asked for it. He’d open my doors, grabbed the bill from me during our weekly lunches, and stayed with me when I was alone. He was also funny and interesting to talk to. We had our similarities and differences, but whenever I was talking to him, I never got bored…

For some reason, I never got bored.

As I said, he said he liked me first. Initially, I didn’t know what to say. Took me weeks before I could give him a reply, because I wasn’t sure if things were going to work out. I was 95% sure things wouldn’t work out (and for reasons I do not wish to disclose). Despite that, I thought, “But he is such a nice guy, and he makes me happy.”, and I decided to take the risk, because I thought he was going to be worth the risk. I said I liked him too, and that was the truth.

Despite my doubts, it was the truth.

He made my life much happier for the next few months. We never became classmates again, but we’d meet during our similar breaks. He’d say cheesy things to me (and I hated cheesy, but despite that I couldn’t help but smile), and we’d go somewhere less crowded, and listen to music that he said “reminded him of me”. We’d have lunch every Friday, and afterwards, look for a place to stay and talk to kill time.

I clearly remembered that one time when it was raining hard, and I was at a building quite far from the main campus. He texted me, and said he’d fetch me, because he didn’t want me to get wet. I told him I had an umbrella, but he insisted anyway. And while I was reading our conversation, I couldn’t help but feel warm inside and smile.

We were never in a relationship, but I thought we were getting there.

I knew I was in danger, because like I said, I was warned that this wasn’t going to work out. But I didn’t care, because I thought he was worth it. And he made me happy. What could be wrong about that?

But then the long break came, and we grew more and more distant. And a few days ago, we met up again, we talked, and he said he wanted to end things for now (because of reasons I don’t want to explain).

We decided to end it… he decided to end it. And that was that.

Of course I was sad, I didn’t want it all to end yet. It was my first ever heartbreak. I cried non-stop for two days. I had needed my friends, so I went to look for them. And I told them everything. Four of them said they wanted to kill him (one specifically said she wanted to castrate him, and the other one wanted to maul him. And sometimes I can’t help but laugh and love my friends even more when they say this.).

I not mad, because really… I was expecting this to happen sooner or later.

It hurt, it really, really hurt, but I knew dwelling over the pain wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t change his mind. So I forced myself to carry on.

Currently, I’m trying to get my life back on track. I’ve tried to keep myself occupied with other things. I stopped socializing with people for awhile, and became more immersed in schoolwork, drawing and watching TV shows. For a while I was very occupied with a design job for one of my school organizations. I think I even subconsciously signed up for volunteer work… My friends also tried to distract me by inviting me to lunch, or telling me jokes and funny stories (I really appreciate them doing that, and I love them very very much <3).

It’s been almost a week since then, and I’m feeling much better. But the pain still remains.

I haven’t talked to him since he last checked up on me. We agreed not to talk to each other for a while, but every time I see him, every time we pass by each other in school, my anxiety acts up and my chest starts to hurt. I wanted to break down, I really did.

At this point it’s not the heartbreak that hurts anymore, but it’s the fact that we’ve suddenly become so distant from each other. We no longer wave, we no longer say “hi”. It’s as if we never met; as if we’re total strangers. And it hurts, because I feel like I’ve just lost friend.

I want to stay friends with him, I really do. I want to talk to him already. I want to start a conversation. Send a text message and apologize for what a snob I’ve probably come off to him.

I always tell myself…
Right now, there are two sides of me:
1. The realistic side that’s telling me, “Look away, and move on.”
2. The idealistic, and hopeful Disney side that says, “Just one more look before I go.”
… And they are constantly in war.

Right now, I can’t trust myself to talk to him. It’s hard for me to determine right now whether I want to talk to him, because I miss him, or because I want to end this silent awkwardness between us and just get to the “let’s be friends” part.

Half of me still wishes things went back what they were, and the other half just wants to be his close friend. And I don’t know which of the two will be in control when I start talking to him again.

So right now, I’ll just have to bear with it (as much as it will pain and frustrate me).

I still remember his last words before we split….


Maybe, he explained, things will work out in the future. Maybe we will end up together. Maybe, but not now.

Maybe… but I’m not gonna get my hopes up on that single word anymore.

I still don’t know what to feel about all that’s happened, but I definitely know that I no longer like him the way I used to.

Right now, all I care about is rebuilding the friendship we used to have. If I have to start with simple introductions all over again, I would.

This guy, he’s different from all the rest for some reason. He’s not the perfect guy, but I thought he was close to perfect. He is a nice guy, and he cared for me… He says he still cares for me. He made me happy, and I will never stop saying how happy he had made me. And even though it’s still painful, I will never regret ever meeting him. He’s changed me (and I hope I’ve changed him in some way too).

I’ve lost too many good friends because of almost-similar situations like these, and I don’t want this to end up like the rest.

I hate losing friendships… not like this.

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Right now, I would very much rather look down.

Because when I look up,

I see the moon and the stars.
They are light.
Light represents hope.

And it hurts to hope.

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As a design student, I hear this a lot from my course mates…

Fuck boys! I’m in a relationship with art!!!

And I try to tell myself the same thing everyday.

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So this week has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

First I’m laughing, then I’m sad, then I’m frustrated, then I’m angry.

The clashing of emotions is just so strong to a point where I’m not alive anymore. But I’m not dead either. I’m just… there. Standing. Like a motionless zombie… except I don’t want brains….

I want answers.

Not only have I been very emotional, I’ve also been very, very confused.

Without blurting out the obvious, there are just so many questions and decisions in my head that I have to think about, and I need to weigh out the pros and cons of every single f*cking thing, because whatever I decide now might determine what happens next.

Throughout the last 7 days, I’ve been thinking and questioning my actions, seeking advice from my friends (because I can’t trust my family at this point), and all I’ve gotten was….


I’ve thought and thought, and I’ve arrived at no solution… no solution at all.

And at this point I’m just really frustrated. I’m frustrated, and it is playing a huge role on my change of emotions. Hence the constant mood swings.

I don’t want to mention the reasons behind all this right now… but I feel like if I held any of these emotions in any longer, I might as well explode.

I’ll admit, there were points where I just completely broke down from all the stress, worry and anxiety. Although crying does temporarily ease my emotions, it doesn’t change the fact that I still have no clear answer to all I’m going through right now.

Just to simplify how I feel, there are 2 sides of me – the realistic side and the idealistic, hopeful and Disney side – and right now they are in constant battle with each other, and it is damaging my chest. Like literally, it’s putting a huge weight on my chest.

I’ll say it now… It’s hard making decisions. Especially the ones I’m making. There are probably 2 solutions I can think of that will solve my problem, but will bring me to the point of depression and eternal regret. I have a third one, but my friends think it’s just too impulsive… heck, even I think so.

All these solutions, and all the possible consequences of it all… it’s just putting me in more confusion and more uncertainty.

I think I’ve thought about it so much already, I just want to stop everything for a moment, lie down and die for like 5 minutes.

Right now I feel like an emotional piece of crap, and I’m not proud of it.

People think that the decisions I have to make now are so simple to do, but honestly, it’s killing me more than they think. They think I’ll move on after all this decision making, but they will never understand the shit load of pain that I’ll feel afterwards.

No one will ever understand what I’m going through now, and I can’t trust anyone with the emotional baggage I’m carrying.

And and might I add before I conclude…

While I am trying to keep peace and order within myself, I am also experiencing unwanted paranoia and anxiety over something I shouldn’t really be dwelling on (but I can’t control it and I can’t help it), and it is killing my stomach and affecting my eating habits. And all I can say about this is…

It hurts. I really, really hurts. Every time I think about it. It just hurts like hell, and I don’t understand.

With everything that’s going on with me right now, I’m surprised I can still focus on schoolwork.

46776Picture from Google Images

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